To be so worried

[Rosebel]

Yesterday I picked up my son from nursery and the room leader answered the door which isn't unusual. She told me that they are worried about my son's development. At the moment he's 14 months and according to her should be hitting more milestones in the 8-20 months bracket although she didn't actually tell me what milestones he was missing.
I wasn't especially worried about him as my eldest was a late talker and walker but is 15 and absolutely fine.
She also hinted we should increase his hours (not at the price they charge) and we need to bring him in more regularly even though any time off has been because he's ill or they've sent him home or been issolating (obviously that's not an issue).
I used to work as a nursery nurse and would never have spoken to parents like this or tried to guilt them for keeping their sick child off.
Since I don't know what he's failing on I can't help him. She said she'd email me his development issues but she hasn't yet.
I'm just feeling really shit and worried that something is really wrong. I always thought I didn't need to worry as children all develop at different rates but now I feel like a terrible parent who's let my son down.
Do you think I need to be worried?

Read that back - you’ve answered your own question. Until they give you something concrete to worry about I’d spend your efforts finding a better crèche.

Putting my cynical head on - they want to make more money out of you.

He's 14 months! Some children have never had the pleasure of nursery at this age and therefore have never had the displeasure of someone comparing them to a text book!

Honestly they all grow and develop at their own rates. Tell her to pee off!!

As an ex nursery worker they’ve gone about it in a really weird way. No place I ever worked at would ambush a mum at pickup with nonspecific issues and then push for more time at nursery.
I would be sceptical until they actually show you their concerns, and even then I think every nursery worker needs to be bearing in mind the effect that the pandemic has had on children’s development.

Don’t stress yourself. Wait until they get back to you, and then if you think their concerns are legitimate maybe get an appointment with a health visitor to check on things.

Another ex nursery nurse. The way they've gone about this is all wrong. Take with a pinch of salt until you have something concrete that they say he needs to develop. If ever I was bringing concerns up with parents I'd tell them exactly what my concerns were and give them hints and tips they could use at home to help them develop, so for example a late talker would be "we notice x doesn't tend to babble much here, do you find the same at home?"
Then go from there.

Go through the ASQ-3 12 month questionnaire. (Google can find you a copy). You may have recently done one for your health visitor anyway, but doing it again you may be able to see if there are any areas that may need monitoring.

Children all progress at different rates, having worked in childcare you may have come across children who walked at 10 months and others who did not walk until quite a lot later - just an example.

If nothing is concerning you at home then I would not be too worried. If they do ever send you anything, then take a look, as it may be something to keep an eye on.

Can he walk and talk? Where is he up to in terms of playing with toys, smiling, waving ta ta etc?

Telling you he's missing milestones and in the next breath suggesting you pay for more hours makes me think she's a chancer. He's only 14 months, loads of development time before he gets to 20 months. Don't stress yourself out.

My husband said it sounds like they're just trying to make more money out of us. He was also born slightly premature so I think thats had a bit of an effect.
He's not walking but is pulling himself up and he babbles loads but he does say mummy, daddy, yes and a few other words but I'm not sure if he talks at nursery.
They did say he should be feeding himself but when I mentioned this a couple of weeks ago to his key worker she said to just concentrate on finger food. I did and he does this really well but I feel like I can't keep up with what they expect.

Contact your hv and ask them to assess

You need to speak to your HV team.

Did he have his 12 month check?

A baby of 14m old does need to be put in a nursery in order to develop appropriately. Plenty of children don't go in any form of group childcare until 2 or 3.

As PPs have said do you have any concerns at home?
Wait to see what nursery come back with and then perhaps mention this to your HV.
My eldest didn't walk until 16 months. Youngest 13 months... so all kids develop hit milestones at different ages.

No. We haven't had any contact from HV after he was about 2 months old. They did call me once when I asked them to.
I am struggling because I have seen many children of my sons age at the same stage of development (and others more or less developed).
I think I might call the HV on Tuesday, if nothing else they'll probably ask about his development and can let me know if I'm worrying about nothing or if there are areas I need to work on.
I'm a bit upset because I like this nursery and have always liked the staff but I found her attitude a bit off and not very supportive yesterday.

I'm not really worried about his development. My eldest didn't walk until 18 months so I wasn't worried.
I did think maybe he was a bit behind but certainly not at the stage where I'd worry about it.
It's so bloody hard at the moment with still no face to face meetings with health professionals. I know I've had older children but it was 15 and 13 years ago.
All my experience as a nursery nurse tells me I don't need to worry yet but when someone says something I think it makes everyone worry.
Also not 100% happy it was said in front of other parents waiting to pick their children up.

OP I would feel very angry and wonder at her woeful incompetence, because if she had genuine concerns, casually throwing out such a blaze comment at pick up sounds like the last thing she'd do.

Dd didn’t walk until nearly 18 months.

We assumed that it meant that she wasn’t particularly physical. Slightly sad as both dh and I are sporty but not the end of the world.

She is 11 now. Tomorrow we have to get up at silly o clock to take her to the nationals for her sport. She probably won’t win (she’s just moved up age groups) but making it onto the podium is not beyond the bounds of possibility.

And the moral the story…..

Not walking 14 months is not a cause for concern. Not walking at 17 months is not a cause for concern.

The fact that he was premature is going to affect him. Count the months since the day he was actually due and that is where he probably is. A lot of children go to no nursery at 14 months so needing extra days is not usually true. As a nursery nurse l am sure you are giving him lots of stimulation at home. It's natural you are going to worry now but it's very common for premature babies to be a little behind in their development. But you won't be able to relax until you have him checked out.

You can and will get a face to face with one of the HV team. They are able to do that at the moment.

They are after more cash.

@CanIHaveAHolidayPlease

He's 14 months! Some children have never had the pleasure of nursery at this age and therefore have never had the displeasure of someone comparing them to a text book!

Honestly they all grow and develop at their own rates. Tell her to pee off!!

Perfect answer! This!

I think I’d drop a polite but pointed email to the manager.

“I’m keen to support my child’s development in anyway possible, and would appreciate an opportunity to discuss the specific concerns you have in a private discussion. I found being ambushed in a public space with vague statements about his ‘delay’ worrying and upsetting. I feel the suggestion that he should attend more hours inappropriate for a 14 month old.”

I really think they need to know they handled this badly. Regardless if their concerns are justified, there is a time, place and way to manage this situation.

Fwiw- your son sounds fine. The reason these milestones are in bands is because children achieve them at different rates and stages. That’s the point. If he was 25 months and not achieving most of the 8-20, then you might realistically have some emerging concerns.

That was extremely unprofessional of her. If she had true concerns - that some sort of intervention were required then no way would she or should she have approached you like that.
I think I'd be so annoyed and angry I'd remove my child from that nursery.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

A baby of 14m old does need to be put in a nursery in order to develop appropriately. Plenty of children don't go in any form of group childcare until 2 or 3.

I'm presuming you meant 'doesn't need' otherwise this is utter rubbish