To be cross with dh for overdoing it (booze) when he goes out? (sorry long and ranty)

[Manoo]

I'm p*** off with dh this morning. We both work part time and are supposed to share childcare equally. We have a 4yr old and an 8month old and both wake up in the night. The deal is that I do the nights and he gives me a lie in in the mornings.

Except when he goes out and gets trolleyed and comes home far too late HE gets the lie in. Which would be fine if it was just every now and again. But it's at least once a week and now becoming twice a week.

He's decided to join a band so now every Wednesday he rehearses, gets pissed and comes in at around 1.30am, making him very tired and grumpy the rest of the week. They then play live (like last night) - he promised to text to let me know how it went, he didn't. Didn't text me to let me know he was going to come in much later than expected. Arrived home 2.30am with two mates in tow. I called him upstairs to have a go at him (knowing that he would then stay up all night and be USELESS with the kids today, making my weekend crap). The mates heard the row over the baby monitor and left! Dh was revoltingly drunk, in a really over the top way, yukky, swaying everywhere. NOT what I expect from a grown up 35 year old supposedly respectable husband!

The baby was unsettled virtually all night last night, so I hardly slept - not through choice. Yet he CHOOSES to go out, CHOOSES to stay up late and then moans about being tired.

He's already out another two nights a week with his youth theatre work too, and some nights of the week stays up too late listening to music or watching sport, so it all catches up with him and when it gets to any time that would be MY time with him or FAMILY time he's just tooo tired, needing to go to bed early (the evenings he's actually in), or needing to go back to bed in the day (the weekends).

I just feel very low down on his list of priorities. Grrrrrrr.

Of course you do- YANBU!

Sit him down whe he's sober & not tired & when you are feeling calmer & have a chat. He is obviously kicking against the restraints opf fatherhood but he is part of the family as well & you are a team & you need his support.

Why not go from the angle that he needs to take care of himself more & spend more quality time with you all although you can see he's having fun it comes at a price, he'll make hinnslef ill if he's not careful?Not least that it makes YOU over tired so YOU can't be as good company/mother as you would like (when do you get your fun?)

I know you want to smack him for being so selfish & TBH he deserves that but no point inflaming the situation when you want to improve it!

Horrible situation for you good luck!

of course yanbu

out 4 nights a week (inc youth theatre) etc is really not on. My dh is a nightmre when tired, unbearably grumpy, impatient moany old fart, so I can relate 100% to the grumpiness/weekend being spoilt. And the going to bed too late.

Apart from castrating him, locking him a cupboard, beating him with a black pudding or poking his eyes out, I dunno what you can do, other than trying to have an adult conversation sometime when he's not pissed, tired, etc and try to have a non-argument discussion about how his commitments are too much, either the band has to go, or the theatre, or he goes to band practice but straight back after without the piss-up.

Something has got to go. he cannot reasonable expect to do so much and you pick up all the flack. ALso, get up early and head off to your mate's house and go back to sleep there and leave him to be a grumpy arse sorting out the kids on his own every time for the next few times and see how he likes the consequesnces of his beghhaviour without you being there as a safety net.

I would be fuming to.

Thanks for the replies. Am jiggling the baby so can't type properly... what does yanbu mean (sorry being dozy)

You Are Not Being Unreasonable!

Juat bloody tired & cross- I'd be murderous by now if I were you & the black pudding assault as recommended by Ernest would be looking a tempting option.

It means " you are not being unreasonable" !
And you're not.
What a sh*t. He needs to grow up.
If I were you I'd tell him this has to stop. If he refuses then try kicking him out.
I'm sure you have a less 'aggressive' method lined up though.
I just hate these men children who treat their wives and girlfriends like their mothers i.e. they behave badly and then get 'told off', they make me so mad

Thanks folks, good to know I'm not (BU)!!I too like the black pudding option.

Has anyone been to relate? Was just wondering if it was a good idea to tackle some of this stuff with a third person? Cause I do love him really and don't want the resentment to fester and spoil our relationship.

Sometimes it can help to talk to a third party who will help keep it neutral. You can go on your own or with DH but whoever is your counsellor can't then be your joint counsellor or your DH's seperately.(IYSWIM)