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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD upset over friend from holiday club how can I explain?

18 replies

HelpMetoExplaintoher · 27/08/2021 18:44

DD is 7 and over the summer has been at a holiday club 2-3 days per week. She only goes in the summer holidays to holiday club, the other holidays I swap childcare with a family member or I use annual leave to cover (apart from Christmas as my work place closes for 2 weeks at Christmas).

This year she’s made friends with another boy there, R. R is lovely, but I know he has autism and attaches to people. My DD is a really kind and thoughtful girl (not bias at all, school and holiday club have also said it) and has apparently looked out for R and included him in her games. She’d also always sit with him at lunch as he’d help her open the packets.

Today when picking DD up R says “I’ll see you next week” when DD replied “No today was my last one” R got upset saying he didn’t have to say goodbye until Wednesday as he isn’t at school until Thursday – R goes to a different school. He got very upset and said DD couldn’t go DD replied she was back at school on Thursday so R said she could come back, she tried to say she’s busy and can’t come (things have already been arranged with family for the last week before school starts) but will see him soon but he then got upset and grabbed her quite tightly shouting she couldn’t leave because he wouldn’t let her.

Staff where brilliant, calmed him down and got him to let go but DDs still quite upset. Keeps asking why R hurt her, I’ve tried to explain but she has her own AN (not autism) so isn’t quite getting it.

For context her AN is: a joint and muscle condition, speech/communication issues and she’s suspected to be dyslexic and/or dyspraxia. Being held tightly like that will have been painful for her and has marked her skin.

So any tips on explaining to DD that R didn’t mean to hurt her and it’s because he’s her friend that he didn’t want her to leave? I have no experience with autism so not sure exactly how to explain

OP posts:

Blueskythinking123 · 27/08/2021 18:51

I wouldn't mention autism. I'd just say he really enjoys your DD's company at the holiday club and he was upset when he realised she wasn't attending the final week. I would also explain that some people have difficulty expressing how they feel with words and this causes them to get upset and frustrated about the situation. Reassure your DD this isn't her fault and the friend at summer school will be supported to play with others.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 27/08/2021 19:05

Agree with PP but would add that he didn't mean to hurt her and wouldn't have known it would be so painful for her.

Halo1234 · 27/08/2021 19:11

I go down the "he is still learning route" he doesnt understand that hurt her. He was only thinking he didn't want her to leave. He will learn in time not to do that. And follow it with "always look at the intension not the action" his intension wasn't to hurt but to have her stay with him.

Ozanj · 27/08/2021 19:12

I would definitely include autism because you don’t want her to think behaviour like that is acceptable.

This website gives really good age appropriate explanations around autism and I have used a couple of them where I work (nursery) so they might help

indyschild.com/how-to-explain-autism-to-children/

SirSamuelVimes · 27/08/2021 19:15

[quote Ozanj]I would definitely include autism because you don’t want her to think behaviour like that is acceptable.

This website gives really good age appropriate explanations around autism and I have used a couple of them where I work (nursery) so they might help

indyschild.com/how-to-explain-autism-to-children/[/quote]
I agree with this. Please don't go with any version of "he hurt you because he likes you", that's not a good message to be giving out.

Ozanj · 27/08/2021 19:17

I would modify one to say something like this

‘He has autism. It’s not something you can catch; it is something that some people are born with just how you were born with your conditions. Autism affects how the brain works and can make it difficult for some people to talk, understand others, make friends or calm themselves down when they feel worried or stressed. He might have been worried about you leaving which is why he held you so tightly. But autism doesn’t make it okay for him to hurt you which is why the staff intervened.”

TwoLeftElbows · 27/08/2021 19:19

"still learning" here too.

She doesn't need to understand details of his condition, just that we all have our own different struggles. You could say something about how it's difficult for his brain to imagine things from someone else's perspective, just like she couldn't have done when she was little. Or that it is difficult for his brain to imagine something being different to what he expected. It doesn't mean he isn't kind etc, it's just his brain is still learning that particular trick and it's harder for some than others. Like it was harder for her to learn xyz whereas ABC came easily to her.

Original poster

HelpMetoExplaintoher · 27/08/2021 19:22

Thank you everyone, I will definitely adapt whats been said here to explain to DD. I do think she needs to understand it was his condition and him not understanding rather than intending to hurt her.

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/08/2021 19:24

I would definitely include autism because you don’t want her to think behaviour like that is acceptable.

^^
This 100%, and I can’t believe others are saying differently.

She does need to know that generally speaking this wouldn’t be acceptable at all, and the reason not to be mad at this boy is because he doesn’t understand as others do.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/08/2021 19:24

I don’t have a good form of words though!

BendingSpoons · 27/08/2021 19:26

I would also remind her if anyone does something she doesn't like to say 'stop you are hurting me/I don't that' and tell an adult. She needs to know that whilst we make allowances, we also need to prioritise our own well-being.

UndertheCedartree · 27/08/2021 19:30

You could explain that people with autism often get upset if they weren't expecting something - so he got upset as he wasn't expecting to say goodbye today. I really like what @Ozanj said about it not being ok that she was hurt and that is why the staff intervened

Your DD sounds lovely @HelpMetoExplaintoher

AnnieBanannie1 · 27/08/2021 19:30

Your daughter sounds a lovely girl op.
As a mother an an autistic child I think telling her that he has autism is the best idea. Don't have to go into details but letting her know his actions aren't always the way they come across.
Whilst autistic people do express their feeling in different ways I think it's good to know it's not the 'normal' for her to act if someone else done it (eg; please stop your hurting me etc as pp has suggested)

Original poster

HelpMetoExplaintoher · 27/08/2021 20:27

Thank you again.

Explained to DD that he has autism and because of that he had an a change to his plan he wasn't expecting i.e he thought DD was there for Tuesday and Wednesday so he could say goodbye then but she won't be there so he got upset. He didn't mean to hurt her. i said he shouldn't of done it and thats why the staff were so quick to get him to stop and if it happens again it's ok to use her big voice and say "You're hurting me please stop".

Thank you for all the help DD seems to have understood now.

OP posts:

TwoLeftElbows · 27/08/2021 20:57

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I would definitely include autism because you don’t want her to think behaviour like that is acceptable.

^^
This 100%, and I can’t believe others are saying differently.

She does need to know that generally speaking this wouldn’t be acceptable at all, and the reason not to be mad at this boy is because he doesn’t understand as others do.

What about if next time it's a child who is actually autistic but hasn't yet got a diagnosis, or one whose parents have chosen not to share their diagnosis? Should OP then tell her daughter the other child was badly mannered and it's all their fault? Most diagnosed autistic children have had many months, or several years, when they were showing these "unacceptable behaviours" before diagnosis. These behaviours are no more acceptable after diagnosis, they are just more understandable, and we shouldn't withhold that understanding from kids who are not (yet?) diagnosed.

I'm not averse to mentioning his autism at all, but I would still stress the "still learning" thing. Bring your child up to treat everyone with a bit of empathy, whether they come with a label or not.

PicaK · 27/08/2021 21:03

Have a child who can hurt others without realising it.
You've done the right thing. Understanding its not acceptable, reminding her to say stop (I'd honestly leave out the please) so she knows she doesn't have to put up with it and teaching her understanding and compassion or why.
10 out of 10 for parenting.

Ozanj · 27/08/2021 21:55

I'm not averse to mentioning his autism at all, but I would still stress the "still learning" thing. Bring your child up to treat everyone with a bit of empathy, whether they come with a label or not.

OP’s daughter isn’t a social service to forgive every child that hurts her and OP shouldn’t be expected to prioritise children that aren’t her dd. This particular boy has a known reason which can be explained. In the case of an unexplained reason I would expect OP to take her dd’s side, lodge a formal complaint, and let the holiday scheme managers investigate.

Moulesvinrouge1 · 27/08/2021 22:18

@Ozanj

*I'm not averse to mentioning his autism at all, but I would still stress the "still learning" thing. Bring your child up to treat everyone with a bit of empathy, whether they come with a label or not.*

Some children will behave in ways that are painful and unacceptable to other children, diagnosis, pathway or not. The crucial thing is that it is explained that the behaviour is unacceptable, not the child is unacceptable. I can’t see what the staff could have done differently tbh - they intervened as soon as they saw the issue.

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