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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be annoyed about this

28 replies

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 27/08/2021 09:59

This is so minor and trivial but I'm still annoyed! On Wednesday I bought a 5 pack of doughnuts - DP had one and I had one so there were 3 left.

It was DSD's birthday yesterday (12) and as I was leaving for work she found the doughnuts and ate one. I (semi) jokingly said there had better be a doughnut for me when I got home.

Anyway, at around lunchtime DP and I were texting when he said if I wanted a doughnut I'd best get some more - DSD ate all 3! DP said that he'd tried to hide them away on top of the cupboards but she could reach them.

This isn't the first time she's done something like this - earlier in the week DP bought a 6 pack of crisps, I had 1 packet but she ate the rest by the next day. She's demolished entire packets of biscuits, packs of babybels and so on.

We can't afford to keep replacing the food she eats so I've said to DP she has to learn that once the food is eaten that's it for the week. But he seems to think the solution is to hide it out of her way. But I don't want to hide food and don't think we should have to. I have DCs too but don't have to hide food away from them.

To avoid a drip feed she has ASD but is high functioning, attends mainstream school etc.

So who IBU? I'm not annoyed about not having a doughnut more the fact that she has no consideration for anyone else and whether they'd like to eat whatever.

OP posts:
Wishimaywishimight · 27/08/2021 10:03

I don't think you are unreasonable at all, that is very greedy and DSD needs to learn that the food is for other people in the household also.

Hiding food from a 12 year old teaches nothing other than how to make them more sneaky however. Surely a conversation about this is the best way forward? I admit I know very little about ASD so not sure if this is appropriate, I am sure others with experience of this will be of more assistance.

Seeline · 27/08/2021 10:05

Is she genuinely hungry? Are you feeding her enough? Kids of that age start growing very quickly and need constant fuel. Can you perhaps stock up on bread/cereal and tell her she can eat that if she is hungry.

SnarkyBag · 27/08/2021 10:07

Sometimes children with ASD have zero impulse control. My sister is like this even in her 40’s. Drives me batshit

Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 27/08/2021 10:08

Yes she is constantly hungry but there's plenty of other food for her to eat - but she only ever wants to eat the 'junk'. I have 2 DCs also and sometimes they go without because she's eaten everything. And DP just seems reluctant to address it.

OP posts:
MangoBiscuit · 27/08/2021 10:10

Can you get her involved in the meal planning and budgetting, so that she can get a better understanding of what you're working with? At 12, she shouldn't be pinching the treats she's been told are for all to share, but I think hiding treats is also not a great solution. Maybe helping to balance meals vs treats (so nicer meals = less treats, cheaper meals = more treats etc) will make it more relatable, and having some say in it will encourage her to feel more responsible for it all.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 27/08/2021 10:13

Why is she eating so many snacks? Hunger? Boredom? Emotional comfort? Os she left unsupervised a lot? Is she also eating proper meals?

Whether hiding helps or not it depends on her needs and impulse control. If she has very little, leaving stuff around and expecting her not eat it is just setting her up for fail.

Clear rules and boundaries are also needed. Not jokes and vague expectations. "You can have one doughnut". A snack box for the week for each member might also help. She has her own box ,with treats and snacks to last her however long (make sure it's a reasonable amount ) if she eats it all in one day then it's all gone, and she might start learning to pace herself, but that again is dependent on how much impulse control she has. Again, if it's very low stuff needs to be put away out of sight and reach and rationed and give to her in an appropriate way.

You might not want to do that , but that's irrelevant if her needs require it. Otherwise it will never stop and the resentment will just build up.

Seeline · 27/08/2021 10:15

How old are your DC?

Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 27/08/2021 10:16

Mine are 11 and nearly 9.
The snack boxes sound like a good idea though I imagine my 9 year old would scoff his in 2 minutes!

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 27/08/2021 10:19

I have sen kids who have impulse control with food esp sweets, biscuits, anything sweet. We have tored various strategies but nothing works overly well. We now have rules over nice things like doughnuts so we have a pack of 5 that's one each for family members.

I also began binge eating as a teen through stress.

I'd create a cupboard that's just your food. She isn't allowed in it.

Teamfemale · 27/08/2021 10:24

Mt dd2 is exactly the same - (8)

She ate a six pack of crisps in one day this week! She is at home dh whilst I'm in work so I cant monitor her gliding stealthily in to the kitchen and scoffing the lot.

She is very tall for her age and slim and Dh thinks its funny as she can eat so much and not be over weight. But yes it greedy.

With your SD, with her AS, I think your dh might be right about hiding them.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 27/08/2021 10:34

@MyGhastIsFlabbered

Mine are 11 and nearly 9. The snack boxes sound like a good idea though I imagine my 9 year old would scoff his in 2 minutes!
The idea is that if they are able to, they will all soon learn to ration and self control, which is better for them long term.

What we use with DD is asking before she takes something, but we did this from when she was very little. We nearly always say yes, and when it's no we explain why "dinner is in 10 minutes", "you've brushed your teeth for the night", "you only have one pack left, are you sure?", " you already had x,y,z and that it's not healthy/too much sugar/bad for your teeth". So she knows it's not arbitrary ,has some control and learns herself why it should be a no, but it's a long process.

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 27/08/2021 10:51

Sounds normal. We buy a multipack - enough for everyone to have at least one. Dc will have 2/3/4 and we say you do realise there are enough for everyone but you ate them all?? Seems completely normal to me based on my
Own kids and experience with others. They are hollow. They eat if they are conscious. They eat ALL DAY LONG. You cannot keep
Food, and nothing is out of bounds. They are like locusts. They code an absolute fortune to feed. I hope that this stops soon cos I’m
Running out of money keeping the fridge filled!

Macncheeseballs · 27/08/2021 10:53

It wouldn't bother me but then we rarely have doughnuts

NailsNeedDoing · 27/08/2021 10:54

Your dp needs to address this otherwise his dd is going to end up at an unhealthy weight with a selfish greedy attitude to go with it. Hiding things is not the answer, she needs to learn self control.

MrsWhites · 27/08/2021 10:57

Sounds normal to me too, if I left a pack of doughnuts on the side in our kitchen they wouldn’t last long.

It is greedy to eat 3 doughnuts in a day though of course it is but you and DH had one each and obviously planned to have another so were you not planning on sharing with the children?

Macncheeseballs · 27/08/2021 11:06

Doughnuts are very bad for you, just don't buy em

Macncheeseballs · 27/08/2021 11:07

Or buy them everyday till they lose their allure

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 27/08/2021 11:09

@Macncheeseballs

Doughnuts are very bad for you, just don't buy em
Nothing is bad for you as long as it's in moderation and part of a healthy,well balanced diet.
Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 27/08/2021 11:35

@MrsWhites

Sounds normal to me too, if I left a pack of doughnuts on the side in our kitchen they wouldn’t last long.

It is greedy to eat 3 doughnuts in a day though of course it is but you and DH had one each and obviously planned to have another so were you not planning on sharing with the children?

My DCs are with their dad this week so we couldn't share with them. DSD didn't want one when DP and I had ours so there was enough for one each the next day.

It's not really about the doughnuts though. It's about thoughtlessness and the expense!

Trouble is DSD takes after her dad and is very tall and willowy so unfortunately can eat as much junk as she likes and not put on any weight (life is so unfair!)

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 27/08/2021 11:42

If he refuses to address it then you address it-use your words and tell her you're getting locking boxes so others have a chance to enjoy food treats. If she continues then husband or she pays it out of their personal funds

WobblyInAllTheRightPlaces · 27/08/2021 12:19

This is fairly standard for many kids that age.

To be honest, life’s going to be full of strife in your home as your dsd grows over the next 5+ years.

What ages are your other children? I didn’t believe how much junk food preteen/teens can eat until mine got to that stage.

Maybe she’s hungry? Or bored? Or needing some sensory input?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/08/2021 12:22

If you bought them on Wednesday, they would be stale by now anyway.

Yum! Not.

Does she eat normally usually? And why are you so annoyed about it?

Bluntness100 · 27/08/2021 12:53

I’d also say this is fairly standard and it’s just a couple of extra donuts you’re acting like it was some form of invaluable treasure. Honestly you and your partner are behaving oddly, hiding donuts, rationing them. Yes she shouldn’t have eaten them but she’s twelve, she’s autistic. It is what it is.

happydays2345 · 27/08/2021 12:57

Stop replacing it. Just don't have it in

HMG107 · 27/08/2021 13:01

If your DSD is autistic it is highly likely she also has ADHD. I am an autistic individual with ADHD. As autistic women don't fit the naught boy stereotype of ADHD we often go undiagnosed, despite studies suggesting over 60% of autistic people also have ADHD. Although, I suspect this is higher, for example, I was only diagnosed as having ADHD last year at the age of 36 and this is because I pushed for a private diagnosis.

Her neurology is effecting her impulse control. Her lack of impulse control is a disability need. You need to reframe your position, you're currently getting angry at the disability needs of a 12 year old girl.

A lot of posts on this thread show societies lack of awareness of the needs of individuals whose neurology is in a minority. Your DSD has a lot on her plate. If your only issue is that she eats all the junk food you're doing really well.

You know your DSD is drawn to junk. You know its highly likely that she can't control herself around junk and if she wants something she will have it. Telling your daughter to simply act less ADHD won't miraculously make her less ADHD.

If you cant afford to replace the food brilliant, it will stop your daughter eating lots of empty calories. If you are resentful that yourself and full family aren't getting an equal share portion out the food and keep it out of her way - that is a fair approach and helps your daughter. A poor diet exasperates the challenges of having ADHD.

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