To be feeling worried he's going to leave..

[HumDumMum]

I'm due to give birth in 5 weeks. I've been with my partner 9 years and we already have a 4 year old.
This pregnancy has just torn us apart. I've had hyperemesis (I think he thinks I've been making myself worse/not helping myself) and it's had a massive negative impact on my mental health. I contemplated abortion right up until 24 weeks.
Me and my partner feel like strangers, I feel like he's now living a separate life from me, never asks how I am, and takes any opportunity he can to get away. He basically said he doesn't know how he feels and "we'll get the birth and Christmas out of the way and see how we are then" he says he's finding it hard as he's been working from home, looking after DS, doing the cooking etc while I've been pregnant.
Has anyone else's relationship been strained by pregnancy then it's been ok once the baby has come along or am I wishful thinking?

It sounds like you are both having a really tough time op. I hope once the baby is born you will feel better. Not long now.

He is probably really stressed doing everything and worrying about you as well. Working full time from home, and looking after a 4 year old and doing all the cooking etc is an awful lot for one person to take on. Do you have any family or friends that could help out by looking after your son?

Personally, I found having a baby and a toddler easier than being Pg with a toddler and I didn't have hyperemesis. I hope that the same will be true for you.

I really hope you and your partner can get through this.

Do you really want a man who is playing mind games and is not there for you when you need him?
Sorry,I can't see this working based on what you have said.
Don't let him hold all the power here,do you want him?really think this through and if you don't want him,or can see it's not going to work,start to get your housing,finances and support set up then tell him it's over.by taking control you are not letting him disrespect you.
Good luck.💐

finding it hard as he's been working from home, looking after DS, doing the cooking etc

I am doing the same and it is exhausting. I have very little time for anything else, TBH. Perhaps things will improve once you're feeling better. But babies often make the struggling relationship situations worse, not better.

Honestly I can absolutely see why he's shattered. But it's not fair to threaten that you'll leave.

Can you afford a cleaner for a few hours a week? Or to order takeaway sometimes?

This sounds really hard. It's clear that neither of you are happy.
Are you still feeling really poorly now?
Is there anyone who can have the 4yo and give you both a night off?

Well, it sounds like your relationship has been tested to the limit, and when the chips were down and he had to step up and look after his very sick wife, son and himself, it sounds like he’s failed.

@Briarshollow

Well, it sounds like your relationship has been tested to the limit, and when the chips were down and he had to step up and look after his very sick wife, son and himself, it sounds like he’s failed.

As the parent at home with 2 kids, while my DH works away, I see this a bit differently. It's bloody hard work trying to work, parent and do all the household stuff too. There's not much time or headspace for anything else. He's done it. OP says he's doing everything. He has stepped up and looked after everyone by the sounds of things. There's no point in him pretending that's a barrel of laughs or that he's loving every minute of it.

OP, I'm sorry you're worrying about this when you should be resting and looking forward to your new arrival. I hope when the baby arrives that you will all feel better.

It strikes me as you both arent communicating. He doesn't know how he feels. You 'think' he thinks you've made yourself worse. Is there any way you can do some counselling together to try and help this issue? Otherwise if you dont get past it, even if things do get back to normal I think you'll both be feeling resentful

In hindsight I would have out 4 year old into childcare as I wouldn't be able to work from home and look after a child as know hyperemesis floors you.

Our third nearly did this. Theres a good chance he is stressed and depressed. Def wrong time to analyse relationship. I think he has the right attitude of giving it some time

Gosh, it sounds hard for both of you. I was very sick with this pregnancy and basically disengaged from family life (cooking, cleaning, childcare for about 3 months). It was very hard on DH.

Things may well get better when you have more energy and can pull your weight again but try to keep talking - make sure his contribution is appreciated but also don't feel bad. You're ill and what is 'sickness and health' if not this?

Thanks everyone xx

To be honest we drifted apart through Mt pregnancy. I had had 8 miscarriages and was an anxious wreck. I also had all day sickness for the entire 9 months. My husband was a rock but stopped confiding any of his worries in me. He never ever threatened to leave but we did drift apart. After the birth everything went back to normal and we are closer than ever.

@Beachmummy23 in what way did you drift apart? And how soon after the birth did you feel you went back to normal x

We just didn't talk about his feelings. I relied on him for everything. Everything went back to normal within a week of the birth. We were close again and communicating properly.

OP says he's doing everything. He has stepped up and looked after everyone by the sounds of things. There's no point in him pretending that's a barrel of laughs or that he's loving every minute of it.

So you think threatening his pregnant wife that he’ll leave is justified and proportionate then do you? Because I don’t. I think that the whole point of marriage is that you support the other when they need it, especially if they’re pregnant and have HG. You don’t disbelieve them and then threaten to leave once the baby comes.

@Oogachuckachopsy

OP says he's doing everything. He has stepped up and looked after everyone by the sounds of things. There's no point in him pretending that's a barrel of laughs or that he's loving every minute of it.

So you think threatening his pregnant wife that he’ll leave is justified and proportionate then do you? Because I don’t. I think that the whole point of marriage is that you support the other when they need it, especially if they’re pregnant and have HG. You don’t disbelieve them and then threaten to leave once the baby comes.

Why make things up that wasn’t even mentioned in the op? The op’s not said he’s threatened to leave, she said she is just worried that he might as he’s struggling to cope. He’s working from home whilst looking after a toddler, doing all the cooking and looking after his sick wife. And while of course this isn’t the op’s fault, she’s also said her mental health has gone downhill which may be making her hard to live with. She said he’s starting to withdraw and needs to see how he feels once the pressures off. That’s hardly threatening her.

Op you need to get help in somehow, if your oh is already starting to crack then you may not have the luxury of waiting for a few months until he can get a break. Have you got family who can help with childcare/cooking on the days he’s working?