To think about him cheating when I have no real reason to suspect

[ChronicOverthinker]

Ok, so I’ll start off by saying I’ve NC for various reasons. Also, I’m a 40 year old woman who has adhd so as the name of my thread suggests, I over think, a lot.

I’ve been with my dh since we were both 18, we’ve been married almost 16 years and we have our teenage dd and our 7 year old ds who is autistic. Although we’ve had a few ups and downs over the years, considering we are raising a dc with autism, which brings its own set of unique challenges, plus the fact I myself have adhd and my own set of “issues” we are actually in a really good place. So why on earth do thoughts of my dh cheating on me keep popping into my head? As far as I’m aware he hasn’t cheated and although I can’t say for certain he never would, I have no reason what so ever to suspect. So I have no idea why these thoughts are entering my head.

A few weekends ago me and my dh were sat out in the garden having a few drinks once out ds was in bed. We were super chilled enjoying some peace and quiet for once and we got on to the topic of our friends past and present and how none of our friends are with the person that they started off with years back. All of them bar two couples separated due to cheating/affairs. It just got me thinking and since then these daft thoughts have crept in. Like I said, I have no reason to believe my dh has cheated but I keep thinking would he if he got the opportunity. He doesn’t really have the opportunity as when he’s not at work he’s either at home or out with the dc somewhere visiting family etc. He does see his friends but only once or twice a month but usually they meet up at one of their houses for drinks and watch football. Other than that he goes out for his works Christmas party and maybe one night a year round town. So AIBU to think like this?

Paranoia is a symptom of PMDD; with your age could it be linked to peri-menopause and hormone levels?

Possibly. I’m not usually paranoid about anything. I mean yes I over think way to much but it’s a part of my anxiety and I’m trying to work on it.

I think that unless your DH is showing any signs of deviousness, ie hiding his phone, ending a conversation as soon as you walk in the room, going out for seemingly unnecessary reasons, etc., then you really have no reason to worry OP. The trouble with worrying about this, is that you could inadvertently be making him feel like he's being watched or checked up on, and that could cause problems in your marriage, so sit back and relax, until there's clearly something to worry about, would be my advice.

Do you spend a lot of time on mumsnet? I think sometimes that a lot of posts (understandably) are when something has gone wrong and people want to vent or get support. If you are exposed to this constantly it can alter perceptions of what is normal and you start to imagine the worse for no real reason. When you add on the fact that many of your friends have had some form of cheating, it's easy to end up in a negative mind frame, expecting the worst.

For what it's worth, from what you've posted there's no reason to suspect your DH has/is cheating unless you have another reason for suspicion you're not sharing.

You could be picking up on subtle cues that are hard to define, things that indicate you should be suspicious. You may have a reason to be jealous.

But, at least as likely, you could be subscribing behavior to him that you expect because it is behavior that you are capable of yourself. To put it bluntly, you may be jealous because you know you could easily cheat on him and you subscribe that characteristic to him, whether or not he has that type of character himself.

I suggest that you take a serious look at your relationship and look for a way that you can trust each other more. Or, if you cannot, consider ending the relationship. Jealousy indicates a lack of trust and that kills relationships.

I was married to a woman for 13 years who was forever certain that I would or could cheat on her. I never did, but I found myself walking on eggshells, being careful of what I said, where I looked, who I talked to, and even how I dressed and walked so that I could avoid the rage that her jealousy would invoke. In the end, she cheated on me and left, but I never did cheat or even wanted to. It just is not in my character. For those 13 years, we truly loved each other, but we were both miserable. Don’t waste years of your life like that.

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Oh believe me he has no idea I’ve been thinking about this and I’ve real reason to suspect so I wouldn’t mention it to him. The only thing that worries me really is that our sex life has dwindled a bit. We don’t often get any time alone just the odd rare night when our ds actually goes to sleep on time. So it’s tricky.

I trust my dh. That’s why I’m so frustrated with myself for allowing myself to even think about the possibility of him cheating. I can’t say 100% that he wouldn’t cheat on me but as for me even if the opportunity did present itself I couldn’t go through with it and nor would I want to. On the whole we have a great relationship and I adore him so I could never hurt him. That’s why I’m so confused as to why I keep thinking the worst.

Have you ever suspected you might have OCD? Some of these intrusive thoughts sound a bit like relationship OCD

I have no reason to believe my dh has cheated but I keep thinking would he if he got the opportunity.

He doesn’t really have the opportunity as when he’s not at work he’s either at home or out with the dc somewhere visiting family etc.

He does see his friends but only once or twice a month but usually they meet up at one of their houses for drinks and watch football.

Other than that he goes out for his works Christmas party and maybe one night a year round town.
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If he wanted to cheat he would create the opportunities. He's probably at home with you and DC so much because that's where he wants to Be.

I've got ADHD too. I get intrusive thoughts and they are not fun. This particular thought will probably pass with time.