Parents never come to see me

[Extraslice]

Would this upset you? Or am I being oversensitive?
I have 3 brothers and it seems like my parents bend over backwards for them and rarely make the effort to come see me.
For background they are mid 50s, I have 2 children aged 3 and 7 weeks and live about 30 minutes away.
They have just come back from holiday. They aren’t vaccinated and so have to isolate. They have used this as an excuse to not to come here (but said I could go there!?) but spoke for DM the other day and they have been all over. My dad has been to the pub. My mum has been to my brother’s to feed his pet and hang his washing out!! Also cleaned his house for him (he’s 27...). They are off work for the summer holidays. Spoke to DM today and alluded to the fact I am struggling today as dd has colic and my dp is at work all day until late tonight. Nothing.....
It’s not even the distance thing (not that it’s far!!) as in the past I have lived at the bottom of the road and it was the same.
Would you say something to them?
There is no back story. We get on, they like my dp etc. It’s just always me taking DCs over to them instead of them offering to help me out.
It’s really starting to get to me.
Sorry that was very rambling.

Op what can you say?
Are they not even interested in the gc??

It's so hurtful isn't it... Dh had this with his dp.

It's easy to see why there because they are not bright, shallow... Narc and deranged
And dh is pretty much opposite to them in every way.

That’s sad. My parents are similar, my sister is the golden child. Unfortunately there is not much you can do. Sending

Anyway all I can suggest is you pop in more to try and sort of get back into their loop then they may think of your more or lower your expectations and don't expect anything of them

You can tell them how you feel but it doesn't mean they will change. If you think you'll benefit for having got it off your chest though it might be worth considering. X

We have the same with my in-laws. It is upsetting and it has taken a long time to accept its the case. We used to bend over backwards to invite them for Xmas, offer to visit them etc but we have finally realised they are just not interested.

I once tried telling my parents. It created the biggest drama; my sister and my parents were all cross with me for daring to point out the obvious and then sent me to coventry for months. I now just accept I am second best and have a little cry on my own sometimes. (My MIL is fortunately amazing!)

Aw sorry those that have the same! It’s shit.
Maybe just lowering my expectations is the way to go...hard not to let it get to you though. Especially when you are sleep deprived and running around spinning plates.
Thankful for my in laws too. They live 2.5 hours away and would be here in a heartbeat if asked.
Feel better for having got it off my chest if nothing else.

@Iamsososoexcited what do you mean sent you to Coventry?

They ignored me for months. I am currently going through a sad phase with my parents. I told my mum last week that my sister had been insensitive. My mum’s response was to be dismissive and then send me an email telling me off and not to cause trouble. I am 43. I am learning how to grey rock it all.

The insensitivity was me asking my sister for years for the cousins (4 boys same ages) to do a particular activity together. My sister said she the hates activity which I have just accepted so I stopped asking. Anyway, she phoned last week to tell me she has booked the same activity with her new best friends (of 18 months) and their kids. Just makes me sad.

@Extraslicextraslice it's an expression that means 'not speaking to someone deliberately'.

If they've chosen not to vaccinate, would you even want them to come visit? I wouldn't.

Parents can be assholes. No point trying to work out any real reason.

Any chance of moving closer to the in laws for some interested and helpful family? Sorry your parents are rubbish. Only you know if it is worth talking over with them. I would suggest writing it out first so it doesn't get emotive or accusatory. Then talking face to face with them. Perhaps feel them out for their reaction by making a very casual, half jokey comment to them, such as " you never visit my house".
Good luck. Maybe they are just a bit sextet and think you have it Al in hand because you are female.

I have this but get it justified by the fact “I’m the one who moved away”.
Yeah 30 minutes down the road. 10 years ago. So now they never visit. Ever. Not even for my DC’s birthday parties or Christmas. It’s always us to them and it’s tedious as hell.
Have to admit it’s created a massive gulf between us, especially as they do a lot of childcare for my sibling, including DGC sleepovers at the weekend, but they say we would be too far away for them to be ‘comfortable’ to do the same for us. Sibling lives on the same estate. It’s just another form of punishment for moving IMO.

There's a difference though. Your brothers want simple help like hanging out the washing. You want help with a colicky baby and a three year old. Not that appealing ... Perhaps they don't want to be 'the help'? Do you want to see them or do you want their free labour?

I think some parents experience a sort of glee when their own children have to go through the same shit they did when they had small children. It's a sort of "I told you so" moment.

@Guineapigbridge

There's a difference though. Your brothers want simple help like hanging out the washing. You want help with a colicky baby and a three year old. Not that appealing ... Perhaps they don't want to be 'the help'? Do you want to see them or do you want their free labour?

This ^

You mention you have to go to theirs rather than them offering to help out but they have had their children and likely don’t want to be doing childcare again.

@CyclingIsNotOuting that works both ways surely. When they are elderly and need care it will be too far away for you...

@CyclingIsNotOuting That is interesting. I always get the “but you moved away” argument. It appears that if you leave your home town, the adult relationship you have with your family is all on the terms of those who stay. I would be interested to understand this more for my own peace of mind.

Who the fuck wants to scrub their adult son's boxers? And clean their house? At least in their right minds? My parents and PIL wouldn't help us with our preemie but I'm never caring for them in their old age either. Sure they visited but I did all the grunt work and being around them was triggering so I guess it was a blessing in disguise. It really stinks @Extraslice and I'm sorry. The backstory is both sets of parents spent lots of time with other siblings' children.

Have you spelt it out to them? 'I'm struggling, is there any way you can come and watch the baby for a bit while I sleep please, it would really mean a lot'

What I wouldn’t have given for my parents or my sibling to have offered to keep an eye on my DC when they were little. Just for an hour or so. Just so I could close my eyes. Or wash. Or cry.
Sigh.
@Iamsososoexcited
Tbh my relationship with them was never what I consider ‘close’ and they were extremely angry when I moved. Not enough to cut me off completely. Just enough to throw it back at me as and when I dare to say I’m finding things hard.
@CuteOrangeElephant I hear you.

Families are odd op. Not nice though. My mother same. Has blank my daughter if she didnt get her own way with me. I believe help all your kids or nothing. Keep it fair. Ah its hurtful for sure