To put myself first (partly) this weekend instead of ds?

[MrsBede]

I am divorced and have two dc 12 and 14. I'm also a teacher so lucky enough to be off with them through the summer. Ex kicks up a fuss about how he should get 50/50 through the summer but in practice is happy to see them quite minimally. This year he had them for just under a week at the start (they broke up before me so only the last day was a day off for me), one overnighter a couple of weeks ago, and he has taken ds1 to 3 cricket matches to watch. It was planned for him to have them this weekend through to next Thursday - they go back to school Friday and I go on Tuesday.

Today he messaged to say he has gigs this weekend and can they stay with me until Monday. I had two nights out planned (my only ones since just after lockdown) and just wanted some time in the house alone to sort and have peace without hearing online rubbish or the fridge door opening yet again or planning what's for tea or how to get them off screen for a little bit. There's also the cost - ex gives me £140 per month for the two of them (after 6 years of giving nothing) and the summer has cost a fortune in food alone and this weekend would mean an extra shop. Obviously the dc are independent largely and it's not like needing a break from toddlers but still - I couldn't let my hair down on a night out knowing dc were waiting at home!

So I said no and ex replied that they'd have to stay with his dm in his hometown about 90 mins away. But when I told ds he went into a rage as he is supposed to play cricket on Saturday and this would prevent it as they'd have to leave for ex mil's tomorrow and there'd be no one who could bring him back for the game. He was saying it had been a rubbish summer and he hates his dad as he's always messing him about (true). I felt so guilty I said that if his dad can put him on a train Sat am I will meet him and take him to cricket and pick him up after. This will mean I'll have to be careful on the Friday night due to driving in the morning and Saturday I won't go out at all as the matches go on til 8-8.30 and I'm not then going to rush out to leave ds at home. So my weekend is fucked. On the Sunday morning I'll have to get ds back on the train.

I half feel like saying they can just stay here altogether but I feel like it lets ex off the hook altogether. I'm so fucked off and also feel so guilty for feeling fucked off as they are my dc and I obviously love being with them but just wanted one free weekend before going back to work. I wish he'd put them first for once - he got ds into cricket but then has gigs every week so can never go to his matches, though has no problem taking him to watch the midweek professional games, while I spend nearly every weekend May-August driving all over the bloody county with ds2 in tow and not able to have a glass of wine until 9.30 (asleep by 10.30). .

Well done if you have read this far - I know it's an UR rant, but, fuck, I am angry.

So you wouldn't get more money if you went through CMS? (As he's a cash in hand musician?)

And fuck what a massive dickhead he is

But he isn't being put out, is he - he's palming them off on his mum. So the only ones who are losing out are you and your DS...

Thanks! I'd love it if people who voted UR would say why.

I am going through CMS - that's all I can get apparently. DS1's share all goes on petrol to the sodding cricket (slight exaggeration).

Just keep them at home, less stressful than all this train stuff. Suggest to DS to call his dad and tell him how angry he is with him - maybe ex will listen if it comes directly from son?

Can’t he just get a cab from the station to cricket?

His loss. Keep them at home. Do things you all enjoy. Before you know it they will be older and off with their mates, so enjoy them.

Am in very similar position with my ex. He often not sees them for weeks. Mine used to it now and just roll their eyes. We plan fun stuff instead.

You are only making your own life hard, not his. I wouldn't send them to MIL, it's no benefit to you. He won't care as he's doing as he pleases either way.
Just tell him he needs to increase his contribution, cms is calculated on no of nights so they should be able to amend if he isn't having them.

It is a benefit to me, of sorts, if I send them to his dm's as it means I can go to my event tomorrow. Just can't drink much, which is probably better anyway! Yes, he does exactly as he pleases either way. Ds is furious. I get the idea about planning fun stuff but we have done it all and I'm out of money and out of ideas! Saturday will be all around cricket whatever happens so ds2 has to fit in around that anyway. God, I am so pissed off. I just hate him.

Sending them to ex MIL and having to get up for trains etc is far harder than keeping them at home.
Any of your family around to come over so you can have atleast one night out?

If he's a gigging musician, he's probably been rather short on gigs for the last eighteen months, so you possibly have to cut him a little slack. It's a pity he didn't give you more notice, though, and have them for a different weekend so you could plan your nights out for then.
Say you'll have them if he'll pay for the extra shop you'll have to do?

Can you get a friend to be with them so you can have fun? Or can they go to a sleepover nearby?
But yes your son should tell his dad he’s messed up

I’d keep them home. I wouldn’t want them to feel they couldn’t be at home whenever they liked. Won’t take much effort to get a couple of days worth of food in surely.

No family closer than 3 hour's away and no friends we can call on really as neither dc really into sleepovers and anyway, would still leave the cricket issue.

The annoying thing is ds1 completely let rip at me, but won't tell his dad how annoyed he is. I do get why (that he's more comfortable and confident in me) but it's frustrating.

Can he not just stay at your mother in laws and miss one game of cricket? It is his dads responsibility after all.

Can't anyone from the cricket team help out?

I wouldn’t want them to feel they couldn’t be at home whenever they liked.

Well I don't want them to feel that but I also don't want to feel like I can never plan anything or do anything for myself and that ex can do whatever the fuck he likes at all times.

Won’t take much effort to get a couple of days worth of food in surely.

I didn't say I couldn't be arsed to get any food in, more that I'm not a bottomless pit of money while ex gets away with paying a minimal amount. Obviously, if they are here I will get off my lazy arse and get some food in though.

If he's a gigging musician, he's probably been rather short on gigs for the last eighteen months, so you possibly have to cut him a little slack

He's not a gigging musician, he's a wannabe musician who plays for beer money when he can and puts his right to do that in front of anything else. I've been cutting him slack for the last 14 years, pretty much.

I’d stick to your guns, send them for the whole weekend. You’re important too you know. One weekend won’t hurt them, you’re not everyone’s whipping woman.

Honestly, for one weekend I would say no it’s not possible for them to stay with you. Missing one match isn’t the end of the world (though it will feel like that to your DD obvs.). It’s shit but it’s not that they aren’t old enough to know that their dad is shit and sometimes life doesn’t go your own way. You haven’t let them down - your ex has.

Why can’t the lads still go to nob head’s house as planned but he goes out and does his vanity gig?
Then the onus is on him to get them to cricket?

At 12 and 14, can't they just stay gone and be left alone for the evening while you go out? It sounds like it would only be a couple of hours before they go to sleep?