To think it's not impossible with a baby

[Shrewoodle]

Housework, hobbies, work. I have a 6 month old DS, and feel like I should be able to do more than I do. How do other mums manage? Women have been having babies for millenia and getting on with it, how?? I can't stick him in a sling anymore because he screams if I'm not walking, he'll cry if put down without undivided attention. How do I get sh*t done with this tyrant who wants my attention all day (he only catnaps, no glorious hour long naps anymore ).

Oh wow, you have set your ambitions waaaaay too high! Hobbies weren’t even on my radar when DD was 6 months old. She wasn’t a great sleeper and although she would be put down (during the day) I was struggling with lack of sleep and I just did what I needed to do to survive. Please done compare yourself to people who look like they have perfect lives and barely notice that they have a baby. That’s not normal, and it’s probably not even true. You are doing just fine.

whilst i zapped round the downstairs with the vaccine and mop
Crikey, you’re thorough

One of the BEST things about having a second baby was that I finally understood that I hadn’t been doing it wrong with DD all that time, babies are just different.

Accept that this year your garden is going to be a wildlife haven. Take that off your to-do list.

Stop trying to tell yourself that there’s all this time that you should be using. There isn’t. If yesterday all you managed was the washing up, you’re kidding yourself if you think that today you’re magically going to manage to clean the whole house. You don’t have superpowers 😝 Use the previous day as your yardstick, not the imaginary perfect day on your head.

And hang in there, it gets better eventually!!

Don't be hard on yourself. If you paid a child minder you would not want or expect them to be cleaning their house or doing their accounts or Zumba class whilst looking after your baby. You spent your day looking after them , that is valid. Everything else gets squished in when they are asleep at night (hopefully) or when partner can take over. Or get a little childcare if you can. My DS would sleep in cot in day for at least an hour but DD no way. But she did get a good sleep if I pushed her in pram, used to leave her in there parked in hallway to have her sleep

@MayorGundersonsDogRufus

In the 50s they used to leave babies in their prams at the bottom of the garden all morning. So it's not like previous generations were superheroes or something!

Sorry I know I’ve commented already, but I was just reading through the other very wise comments and saw this. This is so true - the expectations we put on ourselves now of what ‘good mothering’ looks like are so much higher than they were in previous generations. There is simply only so much time in a day.

@AllotmentTime

whilst i zapped round the downstairs with the vaccine and mop
Crikey, you’re thorough grin

yes, I vaccine the floor

@FawkesThePhoenix I rarely even vacuum mine .

Mine was about a year when I could start doing hobbies again. I had two hours of guaranteed me time when she napped, it was gold dust. Had a couple of months of almost feeling like myself again…. then I got pregnant now I all want to do is sleep and throw up!

I don’t do much.

My baby is 12 months and still naps on me, so I am just sat there at nap times too.

My two older children were the same too until they were 3 or so.

I don’t want to do a great deal in life apart though. Housework is done as and when, dh and I tag team it when he finishes work.

I play with the baby, I chat to my teenager, play with my 7 year old. I can’t be arsed with anything else.

I’m either very low maintenance and chill or just fucking lazy. Not worked out which one yet. It’s been 19 years since I had my first though and I’m happy with the way things are.

I’m not a martyr, I haven’t forgone hobbies for children, apart from reading I’ve never really done much ore kids. And that’s fine, not all of us want to be going a million times an hour. I’m happiest when we are all just having a laugh together or when I’m having fun with dh.

I’ve been told so many times that I’ll be sorry once my kids have left home and I have no life, but I find that really condescending- we all like to do different things.

So many typos sorry

Hmmm at that age I swapped from sling to carrying baby on my back. DH also used it as well. Then I could get on with anything really.

Lowering my housecleaning standards was not an option with asthma in the family, we have to keep home clean and dust free. DH and I use to clean top to bottom on a Saturday morning. Then during week, it was easy to stay on top of things, ie wipe kitchen counters after doing dishes. Throw a load of laundry in when you get home, and then to tumble dryer an hour later- could do three loads one evening.

It got harder once there were toddlers and young children constantly making messes plus having a baby on my back. But it doesn’t last long. You give the toddlers and younger children jobs so they work up to actually helping keep things tidy.

Vibrating bouncer chair. He’d happily lay in it for twenty minutes two or three times a day and I used that time to shower, do washing, gardening etc in little slots

With my first I thought I would be this awesome earth mother and spent most of the first year feeling like a failure. I actually remember calling dh at 3pm still in my pjs begging him to come home so I could take a shower.

With my second I sacked off any expectations of super mum and just bathed with him, lay on the sofa reading while he slept on me with his gorgeous sweaty head and went out to groups. I think the house was probably a shit hole and we lived on sandwiches and other easy dinners but life was so much better.

I know it's a cliche but it really is a short time and it's gone before you know it and the house will still need cleaning / the grass will still need cutting next week - do the absolute minimum and deal with it next year

We luckily got ours in to a routine from around 3 months and tried to stick to it religiously. It worked with both of our girls. Make sure you allocate yourself two nights a week to go and do your hobby, even if its a walk with a friend. Let DH take over for baths and story before bed so baby gets used to him doing things. It will get much easier if you are able to share the load.

Housework, hobbies, work. I have a 6 month old DS, and feel like I should be able to do more than I do. How do other mums manage? Women have been having babies for millenia and getting on with it, how??

Women have not been living modern life for millennia. Give yourself a break, unless you have a baby who sleeps loads or help from others it is not possible to mother, work and have hobbies and keep your sanity at 6 months in.

How have mothers throughout history managed?

1. They often didn't mother alone. Having a baby then being totally on your own with them is a modern thing. Before contraception was a thing people often had larger families and also people didn't often move away from their community like we do these days. You would have probably had other family members if not living with you then very close by. And unless you were the youngest you would probably have had experience of looking after your siblings or other younger family members.

1. Mothers with young babies weren't expected to work outside of the home unless out of necessity. Mothers who had to work to make ends meet would leave their baby with someone while they worked (probably a family member).

1. People just left their babies in ways we wouldn't now. In the middle ages, for example, mothers would swaddle babies, binding them to wooden slabs and hang them on the wall while they got on with the housework. More recently, babies would be left at the end of the garden in prams while women got on with looking after the house

1. Things were often pretty shit for women and kids. Women often weren't really expected to have hobbies (or any leisure time) unless they were rich enough for servants. They were expected to have children and look after their husbands, elderly relatives and run the home. Children were shooed out of the house to play as soon as they were old enough - if they'd made it that far. Children are much more likely to survive and be healthy these days.

Things are much better for us on the health front these days, and on recognising women deserve to have free time and a fulfilling career. However society is still expecting us to be bloody superwoman, uncomplainingly, not much has changed.

Having it all is a lie!

Having a 6 month old, hobbies, a job and sanity with no help is pretty much an impossible task. Don't beat yourself up.

You either need more help from other people or to cut the things you're trying to achieve.

For millennia people lived in groups - there were lots of other people around to hold and entertain babies. One adult looking after baby on their own for most of the day is hard work and totally not how humans are designed to live!

100% with you on this OP! DS is 1 now, he is in full time nursery so I can work. DH works long hours but when he is here is very hands on with DS and up keeping the house. Other than that we get basically no family support or childcare which makes it very difficult to find time for anything! DS has always been a bad sleeper and needs constant attention which makes it really hard to get things done when I’m at home with him alone. Sometimes I look at friends and family with babies the same age and they are so much more productive (working out/housework/cooking etc while also taking care of DC). It’s really hard but you just have to not compare your situation to others. Some babies are easier to care for, it doesn’t mean they are better, just different! Some mums get a lot of family support too and that’s how they manage to get out so much. I keep telling myself he will get more independent as he grows and gradually I’ll get more time for other things…I hope!!

I have a 17 month old and a 12 week old.
I get very little done

I think for most of the millennia that women have been having babies, the expectations of ‘having it all’ have been much smaller. Job, hobbies & social life weren’t a thing. Just babies and housework.

More recently, babies would be left at the end of the garden in prams while women got on with looking after the house

I realise that this is an implied criticism of how it was done but I do think, from reading on here and seeing within the family, that the current trend of constatly holding a baby, even 'wearing' it, leads to babies who can't be put down. Believe it or not we did love our babies but didn't feel the need to be welded to them and guess what, 'bonding' still happened!

One adult looking after baby on their own for most of the day is hard work

Only if you make it hard work! Many of us had our babies far from family, not everyone wanted constant support, it came as a surprise to me when I realised that some new mothers had their mothers there for weeks on end! Maybe because I was lucky enough not to have family nearby I became resiliant, our first daughter was 6 weeks old before family saw her, we were living abroad, and by then I was able to deflect any 'help' easily.

DD was a lunatic so I eventually learned that I would have to make peace with the lack of housework

@JudgeJ

More recently, babies would be left at the end of the garden in prams while women got on with looking after the house

I realise that this is an implied criticism of how it was done but I do think, from reading on here and seeing within the family, that the current trend of constatly holding a baby, even 'wearing' it, leads to babies who can't be put down. Believe it or not we did love our babies but didn't feel the need to be welded to them and guess what, 'bonding' still happened!

Firstly, no criticism implied necessarily. I was commenting on differences over time. This is a really interesting book if anyone wants to know more about how we see children and childrearing so differently in differet points in history: www.amazon.co.uk/Dream-Babies-Childcare-advice-Locke/dp/0711227993?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

But, I find your subsequent coment to be pretty judgy tbh.

One adult looking after baby on their own for most of the day is hard work

Only if you make it hard work! Many of us had our babies far from family, not everyone wanted constant support, it came as a surprise to me when I realised that some new mothers had their mothers there for weeks on end! Maybe because I was lucky enough not to have family nearby I became resiliant, our first daughter was 6 weeks old before family saw her, we were living abroad, and by then I was able to deflect any 'help' easily.

It sounds like you had an easy baby, and/or a set up that was easier than others.

Personally I had a really easy first baby too, and also my DP home for a month, and it was a breeze for me. He was a nightmare toddler though!

My second baby was totally different from day one. She just would not be put down! It was not something I could "train" her out of. Children are not dogs! Also, DP was working away in the week, and the experience of being at home with a clingy baby was very different. I found it isolating and hard to get anything done.

Friends of mine have had babies with colic who have cried constantly for the first few months. It's pretty common as far as I can tell.

YABU for being so judgemental of others.

Yes, let's support women so they know it's OK to leave the baby in a bouncer while you get on with stuff.

But please don't tell women who are trying their best, against the odds, that it's they're making it hard work. This is bollocks.

Just because you found it easy doesn't mean it's easy for everyone. And probably more luck than anything I'd wager, you can't choose whether your baby is an easy one or not, they have their own personalities and some suffer with issues like colic and digestion or other things that give them pain or make them feel uncomfrotable that they can't tell you about, they can only fuss, cry or scream.

Re babies at the end of the garden:

My Grandmother had my dad and his siblings in the mid - late 1930s.

When I had my eldest, she told me that yes, it was the done thing back then to keep them in the cot or pram unless feeding and let them cry, but that she couldn’t bring herself not to be holding them close or have them tied to her all day.

Her MIL lived next door and was outraged, told my grandmother she was a stupid little girl and babies weren’t dolls to be carried (my GP were only 16 when their first was born).

They used to put the pram at the end of the garden with cloth covered pans in it as a decoy so her when her MIL looked out the window, she would be fooled

They also secretly co slept with their babies, telling no one.

Sadly she died when ds (now 19) was One, but she was my biggest supporter with co sleeping and having my baby attached to me all day. She had some fabulous home made sling ideas from when she had to come up with hands free baby carrying ideas herself.

Some days will be worse than others. Why not batch cook at the weekend or when your partner is home or they can do it instead? Cleaning wise I would just run a hoover round quickly and mop which takes all of 5 minutes. It doesn't hurt them to cry a little. I would do laundry on set days so you are not drowning in clothes. If you have a dishwasher make use of it. Otherwise don't be hard on yourself x

It definitely depends on the baby. Mine was an absolute nightmare, reflux, never slept, puked up after every single feed. Dd literally slept every 20 minutes round the clock,very rarely a whole nights sleep, I was done for.
I did everything anyone else told me, I spoke to the HV who told me this that and the other and nothing worked. I was bf and any time dh tried to give me a break dd could smell me if I dared go near the same room we were in and would start crying blue murder if I ignored it.

In the end I chose to do sweet FA until it improved. House was a tip, people commented on how bad our garden was with its 3 foot grass. But I just didn't care in the end, now we have a nicer house that's very tidy and clean, I work and garden is nice but we're 7 years on and I felt so bad about it all I could not bring myself to go through it all again so I have only one dc.

SIL on the other hand has twins who sleep nearly all day, are dream babies and I find it easier caring for them than I did dd and there's two of them! So it all depends doesn't it, cut yourself some slack op. As pp have said it doesn't last forever and things definitely get better.

It definitely does depend on the baby.

I found it easiest to mix it up a bit if I was trying to get stuff done. So some time with the baby lying on a playmat with toys, some time sitting in a bouncy chair, some time in the sling. I used to chat away about what I was doing. Sitting them in a bouncy chair in front of the washing machine watching it going round and round is also a winner! And then maybe some time in the garden. You don't need to give them your full attention 24/7 (with most babies anyway), but they are like adults in that they do get bored and need a bit of gentle variety.

Also, I found it worked best to go out in the morning. If the baby has had a tiring/stimulating, varied morning (can be baby classes etc but also just pram walk or trip to the shops) then I found the afternoon at home went better.