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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this isn't criticism?

21 replies

PurplePeach83 · 26/08/2021 03:11

Lying awake as dh and I just had a row. Dh is currently very busy with work. He is self employed. For the third year in a row, he hasn't taken more than a few days off work over the summer as the business relies on him personally, the way it is structured. He agreed to take two, not consecutive, weeks off this year, but I could tell he was getting anxious about it so I suggested he instead take one day off a week through the school holidays instead, which he agreed to.

Anyway, as often happens in school hols, I get busy with the kids, he's busy with work and we don't have much time for each other. We sort of drift apart but things get back on track when kids go back to their normal routine etc.

Tonight when we went to bed, dh started kissing me, which I thought was nice, but then he got quite enthusiastic with his tongue pretty quickly and it just caught me a bit off guard as we hadn't even had a cuddle earlier in the day or anything like that, so I asked nicely if we could take it slower. He looked put out and then started giving me weird, 'kiss your granny' pecks instead which I tried to explain nicely felt odd and that I hadn't meant we couldn't use tongues at all! He never normally kisses me like that! So then I suppose he felt awkward so made a joke out of it and lay there with his tongue half out of his mouth, which was obviously a turn off, but I laughed along with the joke and casually rolled over as it seemed the moment had gone. Then he said he was hurt that I had rolled over. I tried to explain that I was having trouble with suddenly being intimate as we hadn't been affectionate lately and he then said in a sarcastic way, of course he's doing everything wrong again, that he was fed up with being criticised all the time and then pretended to go to sleep to shut down the conversation.

I knew it was a delicate situation, I was as polite as I could be. I think criticism would have been more like saying something rude or personal, not just explaining my feelings. I feel like he always does this, if I have an issue I want to discuss no matter how I put it, he takes it really personally and accuses me of criticism. Have I been unreasonable?

OP posts:

messybun101 · 26/08/2021 03:17

Well if the tongue hanging out like a dog out a car window wasn't already a turn off then the sulking definitely would be

Original poster

PurplePeach83 · 26/08/2021 03:20

@messybun101

Well if the tongue hanging out like a dog out a car window wasn't already a turn off then the sulking definitely would be

Lmao at this image!

OP posts:

Sparklfairy · 26/08/2021 03:48

It's so irritating when they do this. Like if you don't enthusiastically go along with whatever they're doing then their ego gets sooooo dented.

Whatever happened to, 'Sorry, I got a bit carried away haha' aand reining it in a bit? You know, so you both enjoy it?

Aquamarine1029 · 26/08/2021 03:51

He sounds like a toddler. He's not very concerned about your sexual enjoyment, that's for certain. I'd be reminding him you're not a blow up doll. FGS.

araiwa · 26/08/2021 04:00

Rolling over was pretty rude

ClaryFairchild · 26/08/2021 05:07

Talk to him in the morning. Ask him if he honestly expects to ignore your own feelings so as to avoid any possibility of saying something that might be taken by him as a criticism. Because that's what he effectively did this evening. If he's normally a good guy who was having an idiotic moment he'll quickly see that he was being a bit of an arse. But if his tendency is to be a bit if a selfish twat then you might not like the answer you get.

Josette77 · 26/08/2021 05:09

Rolling over would upset me.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 26/08/2021 06:37

I think you were a bit hurtful tbh. Kind of reads like. kissing "no not like that" kissing different "no not like that either" akward "ugh doesn't matter. Stop"

I think I'd feel abit shit if DH did that to me. If you want to control the tempo then you control it, not tell someone they're doing it wrong.

Heruka · 26/08/2021 06:43

But I don’t think she did tell him he was doing it wrong, she expressed her preference which was to take it slower. It’s not that easy to control the pace when you’ve got a big tongue in your mouth you didn’t expect, without saying something. He got in a huff in response. It would be more mature of him to talk about the hurt he felt. Also yes you could have communicated how you felt in another way apart from rolling over, but I think it was pretty clear by then that he was annoyed and not able to engage with where you were at.

RedHelenB · 26/08/2021 06:43

@Cuddlyrottweiler

I think you were a bit hurtful tbh. Kind of reads like. kissing "no not like that" kissing different "no not like that either" akward "ugh doesn't matter. Stop"

I think I'd feel abit shit if DH did that to me. If you want to control the tempo then you control it, not tell someone they're doing it wrong.

This. Talk to him, or you start the kissing/affection.

girlmom21 · 26/08/2021 07:18

I think you were rude too. If you didn't like the way he was kissing it's fine to say so, but if he then started kissing in another way you didn't like you could've taken control. Instead he made you laugh and you chose that as your cue to end the affection.

Original poster

PurplePeach83 · 26/08/2021 09:16

I see your point. But it was more of a casual roll, picking up on the mood change of him goofing around, as though the cue to end the kissing was from him and the roll was my signal that I accepted that. It didn't seem as though he was in the mood for affection anymore due to the silly faces he was pulling. It was not a hostile roll to put an end to things but perhaps he read it that way.

OP posts:

Original poster

PurplePeach83 · 26/08/2021 09:19

Thanks Heruka, this is how I feel. If he is hurt, fair enough, he should say so, but no need to be so passive aggressive and sulky.

OP posts:

Ughmaybenot · 26/08/2021 09:20

@Cuddlyrottweiler

I think you were a bit hurtful tbh. Kind of reads like. kissing "no not like that" kissing different "no not like that either" akward "ugh doesn't matter. Stop"

I think I'd feel abit shit if DH did that to me. If you want to control the tempo then you control it, not tell someone they're doing it wrong.

I agree with this, I’d be a bit hurt too tbh. And the rolling over was pretty cold, literally turning your back. I don’t think this should be a big deal in the grand scheme of things tho. Have a kiss and a cuddle today and just move on.

bridgetreilly · 26/08/2021 09:22

It doesn’t actually matter whether it meets some objective criteria for criticism or not, whatever that might be. What matters is having proper communication with your husband.

Original poster

PurplePeach83 · 26/08/2021 09:37

Yes, this is just a case in point, but the communication is often like this. It's like he chooses to read every interaction as criticism. For example, he was setting his alarm half an hour before getting up with 5 minute intervals of the snooze button. I get wanting to hit snooze a few times before getting up but having the alarm go off so regularly for an extended period is quite stressful for me first thing. I asked him could he please adjust his alarm to slightly later in the morning which I think is a reasonable request when you share a bed, but he went all silent and crestfallen and begrudgingly agreed. Later in the day he used that conversation as an example of me criticising him. If I had been criticising I would have said something more like 'why do you always set your alarm so early, you're so inconsiderate!' but I didn't say that, it was a polite request of could you please... but what he seems to hear is something else anyway? Should I just never ask him to change his behaviour ever, no matter how nicely?

OP posts:

Original poster

PurplePeach83 · 26/08/2021 09:41

Just to be clear, it was the fact he set the alarm for quite a bit earlier than he gets up, not an issue with him having to get up early iyswim.

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GrandmaSteglitszch · 26/08/2021 09:43

Should I just never ask him to change his behaviour ever, no matter how nicely?

I expect he'd like that.
Not a good idea, tho.

Maray1967 · 26/08/2021 09:46

I understand, OP. Similar issues here. At times everything is seen as criticism, especially in our case how we speak to teen DS when he’s in a strop. DH likes to go on a verbal attack which doesn’t achieve anything with DS. It’s better to let him go to his room to calm down and then talk about it an hour later. But even if I choose my words carefully eg let’s give him some time to think about it, I get ‘I wondered how long it would take you to say it’s my fault.’
In my case I think it’s because he’s grown up used to MIL mostly staying silent when FIL is in a strop. She never challenges him at all. Although after 30 years of being with me I’d have thought he’d got used to how I do things by now.

girlmom21 · 26/08/2021 09:48

Next time he strops, ask him how he'd prefer you to communicate things to him.

from that you'll be able to gauge whether you're being harsh or he's being sensitive (or maybe even just a man child)

Original poster

PurplePeach83 · 26/08/2021 10:10

Thanks Maray1967. Sorry to hear you experience similar, it's so tricky isn't it? We have been together 18 years, so the pattern is similarly engrained.
@girlmom21thank you, I have done this before. He says it's not how I say things, it's just the fact that I always have something to criticize apparently. He says 'i can't do anything right'. Never mind the fact I make sure I tell him nice things every day, I don't know. I'm just starting to feel like all these years he's had this narrative of me being criticizing, but I'm starting to think actually maybe the problem is him.

OP posts:

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