AIBU to be really worried for my MIL and DH?

[RunYouJuiceBitch]

Apologies in advance for this long and boring post. But I'm desperate.

My MIL, who is in her 70s, lives on her own in her council flat about an hour's drive from us. She doesn't drive, but has always been independent and never overbearing. I wouldn't say we have a super close relationship, but we've always got on well.

Earlier this year, she ended up at A&E and having surgery for a dental abscess. Since then she seems to have developed health anxiety (she is undergoing tests for various things) and is now expressing feelings of loneliness and fear that she has never done before.

The trouble is, she is becoming more and more demanding on my DH and is completely driving him away. For context, DH is her only child and he is one of THE most laid-back, accommodating guys you'll ever meet. He's never been a 'mummy's boy', but he has always been happy to drive over and run her to medical appointments or take her shopping. The fact that he's getting annoyed and upset by her behaviour is a big red flag to me, because this man has virtually limitless patience.

Currently she calls every day, sometimes multiple times, and if he doesn't answer the first time she will call repeatedly until he does. Sometimes, if he doesn't answer, she'll call me instead to ask where he is.

Some recent examples of her behaviour:

• she phoned to tell him that he needs to inform his workplace that he won't be going in for several months, because she wants him to come and stay with her while she's unwell;
• when he failed to tell her that he was going out for his COVID vaccine, and she couldn't get hold of him, she rang me and started asking why he hadn't told her he was going out. She was ANGRY;

-similarly, when we went to a wedding the other weekend she was angry that he wouldn't be guaranteed to be on the end of the phone, and she didn't speak to him for almost a week;

• she rejects any offer of me going over - she only wants him (and he's using up so much annual leave to do so - he'll run out soon).

I have asked him several times if we need to move closer to her. So as not to drip feed, I work away from home so have no employment ties locally, we have no kids and we rent. So moving wouldn't be the end of the world. BUT we both love the house we live in, and if we move to where MIL lives DH would have to change his job (contract clause re living within a certain radius of the office), which he loves and is doing well in.

Moreover, he's adamant that we shouldn't move closer as it wouldn't ease the demands she's placing on him and might make them worse. I'm kind of bowing to his judgement on that one.

MIL wants to move here, but I can't imagine a council property is going to come along any time soon while she's already in secure accommodation. Besides, nobody lives up here except me and DH. If we went away, she'd have nobody. At least where she is now, she has other family and friends close by.

To my eyes, she is suffering from some kind of depression or other mental illness that is making her uncharacteristically nasty and irrational. She is clearly lonely and probably afraid. We need to help her.

On the flip side, she won't acknowledge that she needs help (other than what she's asking of DH), and she is driving him away with her behaviour. She is resistant to all suggestions of home help, 'befriending' services or mental health assistance.

We've tried calling Age UK. They were kind but couldn't really help, saying that there were no relevant services in MIL's area.

I feel so worried about her, but powerless to help her. And it's awful seeing what this is doing to my usually 'patience of a saint' DH. I lost my own mum last year (she was only in her early sixties). It's so difficult.

Today, DH was at work (WFH) and got a heads up from his aunt that his mum was getting into a taxi and planning to turn up at our house unannounced. I'm not sure why, but for context, she has never visited us before. I don't have the full story yet but as far as I can tell he was so angry that he drove her straight back home. He says she was saying she doesn't want to talk to anyone any more.

I'm worried she might be a danger to herself now.

Who else can we try to ask for help?

Thanks for reading and any advice. I'm sorry it was such a long and rambling post.

Does his aunt live near MIL? What's her take on MIL's behaviour? Clearly she's aware that something is wrong, since she called to warn about the trip.

I know that GPs can't talk about patients, but there's nothing stopping you getting on touch with her doctor. You won't hear back, but if you tell him/her that your mum is having some kind of mental health crisis, they might well find a way to get her in to the surgery for some reason. Though she's probably already constantly going/calling them if the health anxiety is bad, which will make it easier. They probably already have am idea of her anxiety, but you will be helping them to build a better picture.

She’s having some crisis, by being over demanding it’s bad, where is Dad

I think you need to involve other agencies. You cannot support her if she has mh issues and your dh sounds like he’s at the end of his tether.

Could she have the start of dementia? A mental health crisis? Does she acknowledge the sudden change in her behaviour?

Certainly sounds like a medical review is needed. Can your partner talk to his mum’s GP or take her for a checkup?

Sounds like the hospital visit has triggered something, possibly unmasked an early dementia or triggered an anxiety issue or depression.

Is she perfectly well, could an underlying low level infection be the problem?

Depression in the elderly can often present as described in this link.

www.healthline.com/health/agitated-depression#symptoms

It sounds as if the dental treatment and surgery gave her a scare. I agree with the others you (and your DH) should contact her GP just to rule certain things out. This will mean your DH not cutting her off or burying his head in the sand. Perhaps the Aunt can help.

As she is in a council house, she may be eligible for sheltered accomodation if she gives up her flat. Some places have common sitting rooms and group activities. You can be as involved you want.

I know you want to help, but you have to let DH lead on this. It's not you she's asking to be over there every five minutes or for several months. Let him handle it within the boundaries of what, if anything, he is prepared to do.

There may be something like dementia going on, but DH isn't the right person to solve all her issues. What about the other family who live nearer? I'm not suggesting that DH washes his hands of her and makes her their problem, but have they noticed anything? Is she similarly demanding of them, or is it just DH?

I saw similar behavioural changes in a family member and she too made constant demands for attention which were completely out of character. She would disrupt any plans people made by phoning and saying they needed to come to her straight away etc. It was incredibly difficult for her sons and daughter for many months and they were bewildered and frustrated by the change in their mum. After a heavy fall though when she banged her head, she was seen at A & E and they did a brain scan to exclude a fractured scull. As a result of the scan she was was diagnosed with two types of dementia so although she had appeared manipulative and family came close to breaking point with her it was illness that was controlling her behaviour. I hope this doesn't upset you but what you have written sounded so similar. I would suggest your husband (who is presumably next of kin) to contact her GP as soon as possible and ask for their help. Look after yourselves too and I hope you get some support.

That sounds difficult OP. I think if she’s willing a visit to Gp with him as first port of call. If she won’t he should contact her Gp and express concerns. It’s going to soon reach stage where she needs care whether she is agreeable or not.
My grandma had dementia and started like this I can remember her turning up outside school and phoning constantly.