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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Happy divorce

15 replies

Suzi888 · 25/08/2021 19:35

I posted this in legal but not many replies. Posting here for traffic.

Can anyone advise me on the following scenario please? (Friend has asked for advice and I think it’s a bad idea and also perhaps not even possible).

Friend moved in with partner seven years ago, he had bought the house (mortgaged) around three years before that.
She paid very little towards bills for two years (£150 a month).
They then had a baby and got married. She works part time and pays no money towards bills, just pays towards food and buys her DS clothing, that kind of thing.

She doesn’t want the house/any capital or his pension.

Her question is can they go to a solicitor together to obtain a divorce and arrange custody or no?

My feelings were no, because things could quickly turn nasty….. Has anyone done this successfully?

Her DH doesn’t want her to have any capital and she thinks that’s fine because she hasn’t paid bills/mortgage. She’s bought furniture, paid for decorators to come in and has worked hard making it nice. I can see where she’s coming from, so I’m not saying she should be awarded half the house or anything. But I would’ve thought he should give her something? She will need rent/bond, furniture etc she has no savings.

I’ve said she should go to CAB or a solicitor and I’ll go with her, just to see what they say but she won’t go. Her DH doesn’t want to pay maintenance and I think that’s where it could potentially get nasty…. But I don’t know him well enough to comment.
He earns around £32k and has £12k savings, she has none so it’s not going to be that complicated.

OP posts:
Blondiecub0109 · 25/08/2021 19:37

I think there’s just thing as a ‘collaborative divorce’ where on solicitor acts for both sides

Blondiecub0109 · 25/08/2021 19:39

*such a thing as

So apparently it can be done by spectate solicitors but everyone agrees to act collaboratively

TimeForTeaAndG · 25/08/2021 19:44

Whether or not her H wants her to have capital, and whether or not she wants it, is irrelevant. They got married, she has legal rights and the financial split has to be legal for the divorce to be finalised.

LittleOwl153 · 25/08/2021 19:50

I don't think any solicitor would be working in her - or her child's- best interests to draft this unless she was also handing over full custody of the child to her ex-dh.

How does she plan to house herself and the child if she has no capital or even enough savings for a deposit and a job to pay the rent?

LittleOwl153 · 25/08/2021 19:53

I understand her wanting to walk away with a clean break. But not paying maintenance unless he is truly going to provide 50:50 is unrealistic and would suggest to me that he is trying to pull a fast one here and that she needs more support with the whole thing than one solicitor would be ethically comfortable to provide.

Original poster
Suzi888 · 25/08/2021 20:16

To answer a few questions, she works part time, minimum wage job. She would have to claim universal credit to top up her earnings.

She thinks he will give her bond/first month rent in advance. (Which I’m sure he will if she leaves with nothing but the clothes on their backs- it’s a good deal!) Hmm
He can’t have a 50:50 custody split as he works full time and enjoys his weekends out with the lads, he won’t give that up. So I don’t think custody would be an issue.
Collaborative divorce sounds interesting, something she may go for- if he agrees.
@LittleOwl153 I agree, I said a solicitor isn’t a therapist, they’ll think she’s being coerced in to asking for nothing. But that was just my opinion and maybe I’m wrong.,

OP posts:
Original poster
Suzi888 · 25/08/2021 20:24

@TimeForTeaAndG Can I ask if you know whether that means a solicitor can say she HAS to have X amount? That’s what she’s afraid of. He was in a relationship prior to this marriage and he lost a great deal in the separation. She thinks it’s unfair that he has to lose out twice. She’s pandering to him, because I think she wants to save the relationship and he just wants her gone. She’s not eating and clearly upset, so I think she’s making a rash decision to please him.

OP posts:
youdoyoutoday · 25/08/2021 20:28

He's done a number on her for her to be thinking she gets to leave with nothing and no future maintenance payments for their kid and that he doesn't have to bother with the kid on the weekends either, because, God forbid, it interrupts his social life!!!

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK??????

Please grab your friend by the shoulders and give her a damn good shake!!! This isn't on!!!

iloverock · 25/08/2021 20:48

A judge wouldn't sign of an order like this. It's unfair. She is entitled to a share of the equity whether he likes it or not.

Original poster
Suzi888 · 25/08/2021 20:48

I’ll suggest she at least takes some legal advice, he doesn’t need to know and she doesn’t have to act on it.

OP posts:
welshladywhois40 · 25/08/2021 20:52

As part of the divorce they have to submit a financial agreement document to the court - this shows assets and liabilities and how they plan to split them - if they have agreed it between them selves (ie didn't need to go to court for the judge to decide).

To give her a reference point - I had no children and was giving 80% of our net assets to my exhusband and judge rejected our proposal stating he was expecting to see a 50:50 split and concern for me. It was approved the second time when I wrote a letter as to why we were doing this (long story).

Hope this helps

Original poster
Suzi888 · 25/08/2021 21:31

@welshladywhois40

As part of the divorce they have to submit a financial agreement document to the court - this shows assets and liabilities and how they plan to split them - if they have agreed it between them selves (ie didn't need to go to court for the judge to decide).

To give her a reference point - I had no children and was giving 80% of our net assets to my exhusband and judge rejected our proposal stating he was expecting to see a 50:50 split and concern for me. It was approved the second time when I wrote a letter as to why we were doing this (long story).

Hope this helps

@welshladywhois40 @iloverock ^ will be her worst nightmare, she still envisages family days out (if she doesn’t take anything from him)!and I can’t see it happening. She agrees that she does need maintenance, so that’s one thing I guess, but doesn’t want any share of the house/his savings etc.

Thank you all, will pass on and then it’s up to her.

OP posts:
TartanJumper · 25/08/2021 21:50

They need to get specialist advice. I would suggest separately at first.

MauveMavis · 25/08/2021 22:05

She needs to see a solicitor so she knows what "normal" looks like.

I've got a close friend divorcing and advised her to do the same. You can't make big decisions without all the facts.

AffableApple · 25/08/2021 22:31

If your friend is doing the majority of the childcare, she's a fool for not realising the impact this will have on her future earning potential. No maintainance? No share in the house? No capital? Where is she planning on putting her furniture, cardboard city? She has to get independent advice. He's really done a number on her. When she wises up that he's taken full advantage of her not wanting to break up, it will be too late. You need to tell her she's behaving like a damned fool. This thread is insane.

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