AIBU to leave my anxious teens home alone for a few hours??

[shellstarbarley]

I am a parent of 2 teens and I thought now restrictions are over they would be out and about with their friends this summer, my 13 yr old sees people but my DD 15 doesn't. She has friends and is invited out but she likes to stay close to me which is lovely but at 15 I wish she was more independent. She was so outgoing and sociable at primary school but since starting secondary she has become scared of the world around her and petrified if she is out without an adult. I think warnings of white van men, drugs, attackers have made her really scared of the world, When she was at primary school and an adult was always with you she said she felt safe but no longer. She just likes to chill out at home and she is quite happy but again if I need to go out to run errands or take my younger child out she refuses to come but doesn't want to stay home alone either. her reasoning is that we get burgled or someone might realise she is home alone and come and attack her. She was just beginning to get more independent before lockdown and then got used to staying in with me and her dad to protect her and being away from us freaks her out. I am quite laid back and very relaxed which both my kids don't like, they keep telling me the world is scary and I must realise this. I am so active and not an anxious person and their anxcieties are ruining my holidays because I can't go anywhere with them or without them. I have tried everything but all they want to do is stay home in their little bubble. I think I need to be cruel to be kind. AIBU to leave them home alone tomorrow so I can out and have a day to myself and show them that they will be fine?? or is this just being selfish.

Hi, sounds tough. I would look into some counselling for her.

I get your frustration but I think you need to build up to a whole day.

Start small - a couple of hours is fine, make sure you’re not late. My DS2 wasn’t so keen on being left, but is fine now. Third time I was out. I purposefully was 15 mins late, but called first. Following time, I asked my next door neighbour to caring the bell.

He’s fine now,

At that age it is certainly not unreasonable to leave her at home. However her anxiety does sound pretty extreme, and I don't know that leaving her for a day would be the best start. Do you know how she would react? I think she might need some counselling or something.

Yes, I don't think this is an issue that will be solved overnight. I think it's time to look at getting your daughter some help before it escalates into something much more serious.

I think you should work at building up their confidence more, maybe some counselling or finding some groups or clubs for them to go to. Can’t really see the need to leave them home alone and anxious just so you can have a day to yourself when they be back at school in a few weeks, I think you should spend this time really dealing with the problem, from what you’ve said it sounds like your children find you a little dismissive of their worries.

I would start with half and hour - and come back a little early. I would talk to her about how long you have lived in the house and how in all the time (hopefully) you have never been burgled. Talk to her about how rare it actually is - how many people does she know? How many of those have actually been burgled? I agree with counselling for her anxiety as well, this could become crippling as she gets older and the longer it's left the worse it may get.

I agree that she needs medical help with her anxiety first and foremost.

My DD 12 is the same. I was hoping secondary school would change her this year.
At 15 I definitely intend to live her alone it is very restricted living this life, go out take back your life, I'd probably do a half day and build up.

What are you doing to try to support her and get help?

She sounds like she has deep rooted anxiety issues so just upping and walking out isn’t going to help her. She needs to be part of the plan and you need to be careful not to let your laid back approach downplay her anxiety

Is she seeing any professionals OP?

It won’t help her anxiety to leave her at home for the day. Take baby steps maybe 1/2 an hour the first time.

As she's 15, you need to consider that she may well have been at least a witness to or on the receiving end of male entitlement and abuse already - the majority of girls have, whether from boys at school in person or by social media/phones, boys and men on the way to and from school or literally any time they leave the house - and lockdown has provided some relief from that.

Of course, most of it would be dismissed as boys being boys or it being annoying but normal, so she may not have told you - or even be able to identify specific instances - because it's a pervasive fug casting its stench over being a female in public or online.

Rather than thinking immediately that she's being histrionic or immature, try talking to her gently about what could have happened to make her feel this way - unfortunately, I don't think everything will be down to reading chain mails about men in vans, a few reports in the Press and watching horror movies.

She was having counselling at school as getting her into school after the second lockdown was a struggle and she was doing so much better. She is very mature for her age and hates the teen culture. she likes sitting in a coffee shop for a couple of hours or a leisurely swim, she detests sleepovers, hanging at the park and shopping!!! She is very close to her cousin who is 18 so alot of her friends are much older and she feels safe with them but most now work during the holidays and she says her school friends are so immature and like dabbling with drinking and smoking which she cannot stand. My youngest son is out at a holiday club tomorrow so I suggested doing something with the teens but they don't want to do anything - partly anxiety and partly because they have got too comfortable staying home and not having much to do with the outside world. I work in a school full time so I am always off when they are off and because they always want me close I never get much time to do anything for myself so I just feel like I would like a couple of hours to myself (I understand a whole day is going a bit far!!) I have offered to spend the day with them first but as they are old enough to stay home alone I would love a mooch around the shops child free!!

Are you a single parent OP? Can DH not spend the time with them while you have some alone time? I’d also ask the school if they could help with a referral for mental health services.