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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fed up of my mum

27 replies

skyisblue21 · 25/08/2021 13:53

Every summer we are invited to stay at our parents fir a couple of weeks. We live far and that way they get to spend time with grand kids. My sister also comes.
This time my mum has just been a nightmare, literally making issue out of nothing, constantly going on at us for not cleaning certain dishes that we used except we didn't use them! For example yesterday she started screaming that we didn't clean the oven tray after using it, we didn't cook anything in the oven, we didn't use any tray, that looks like pizza base stuck on. I told her we didn't use the oven so that isn't our dirty tray in there, she's adamant we used the oven because no one else did! Even though she has no idea that it could be 3 other siblings that live there that may have used it.
Over the course of 10 years, everytime I come am buying new pillows and duvets, as for some reason there's not enough. Fine I don't mind buying my own. These get used even after I've left, or the old ones get thrown out and my new ones are used by them. Anyways this time I came, all the pillows my mum gave me are old, none of them are the ones I purchased, and are completely flat, like I kid you not, flat!!!! There's no way a child can sleep on that let alone an adult. I told her about this and explained am always buying pillows and duvets, it's not fair to expect me to keep buying it, leave mine alone and I can use it when I come. She just said they are your pillows they have just gone flat after being used for a long time, firstly they aren't mine, I know for a fact, secondly if it's the case that they were mine, why are they being used and getting flat and then am expected to use them!
So I searched the house and found 2 new pillows, I knew if I ask for it she will say no, so I just took them and started using it. Today she went looking for those pillows, asked me, and I told her am using them. She went completely crazy on me infront of all the children. They are cheap pillows, I won't be taking them forever, you aren't using them right now, I'll be gone at the weekend. She was saying they are her pillows and I shouldn't have been touching them. I told her my pillows are flat and I can't sleep and you seriously couldn't give me pillows you have and expected me to sleep like that. She just wouldn't stop going on at me, shouting. The kids are all watching. I got very upset and told her of all the expensive household furnitures I've bought her over the years, anything she ever wants and asks for, I get it for her and she seriously is shouting at me over a £5 pillow???? To which she then says, why are you crying over a pillow?? Like what even?? She's the one going psycho over a pillow not me!
I am so not coming to stay ever again!!! Am so angry and upset!! She's never been like this before but this time she's just finding anything to moan and scream about. If I didn't live so far, I would've just left right now.
Needed this off my chest. I have children of my own, I can't possibly imagine letting them sleep awkwardly when I've invited them to stay!

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 25/08/2021 14:00

Has she always been like this? I'm wondering if she's finding too stressful to have houseguests as she gets older. I don't know how old she is, but my mum went through a very strange phase during menopause, shouting at people and getting tearful for what seemed like nothing.
If you want to make things easier in the future, either bring your own stuff with you, or keep new stuff there and box it up somewhere, if there's space.
I'm not sure why using a flat pillow would be such a big deal to you, or you using new pillows would be such a big deal to her. It sounds like there is a bigger story here, and this is about more than it appears on the surface.

Ihavehadenoughalready · 25/08/2021 14:01

I would wonder if she’s gotten dementia? How old is she?

Laserbird16 · 25/08/2021 14:14

My mum is a bit like this but I've learnt never to engage. When I see her I'm usually stuck i.e. I can't just pick up and leave as I live in Australia and she lives in the Uk...which is quite a manageable situation now!

If I could, I would leave. Make up a sudden emergency at home and you must go. Don't make a drama out of it but get out of Dodge. Next time book your own accommodation close by if you can.plus it sounds like there's a lot more to this than just bedding

Mintjulia · 25/08/2021 14:24

My mum got like that in her retirement. Perhaps you should go home , and next time, take everything you need with you.

I got to the point we stayed in a local B&B because dm wouldn't turn the water heating on. I'd go to have a shower and at best, it was tepid. I'd ask her to boost it and she'd yell at me that it was good enough and that I was spoilt & wasteful. Offering to contribute to the gas bill didn't help. It was depressing.

FangsForTheMemory · 25/08/2021 14:31

I'm wondering how her mental health is generally. COVID has done weird things to most of us, I'd say. I had a friend staying and she goes off on one about the weirdest small things without realising how she looks.

Lou98 · 25/08/2021 14:36

As you've said this is the first time she's been like this I think I would be concerned there may be something wrong. Once the kids are in bed, sit down and try have an open chat with her. No arguing/shouting. Calmly ask if she's okay and what's been going on.

Although I do find it a bit odd you went searching for pillows and while she overreacted, I can see why she wouldn't have been too happy about that.
You've said you always buy duvets/pillows as she doesn't give you good enough ones, why don't you take your own from home then take them away with you? She maybe doesn't want/have the space to store them so switches them out for her own when you leave them.

Auntycorruption · 25/08/2021 14:43

You and your sister (and your families) are going to stay for 2 weeks.

Plus she has 3 other of your siblings living there?

That's a lot of people - maybe she's just tired of hosting so much and feeling taken for granted

katemuff · 25/08/2021 14:51

I'd go home op. And not go back. It sounds like she's resentful and bitter, it's no way to spend your holidays.

Holly60 · 25/08/2021 14:53

I would leave and not stay again. Next time get an Airbnb

girlmom21 · 25/08/2021 14:56

It sounds like everyone needs to chill out a little bit.

If you know you're always having to take pillows buy some inflatable ones that are easy to store and transport.

If you're making a mess, clean up.

There are a lot of people in the house. I can understand why she's stressed.

There's no need to be screaming at each other in front of children. Especially over something so insignificant.

Squashpocket · 25/08/2021 15:02

She just sounds stressed. If your relationship is generally good, then be extra kind and tolerant now you're there and stay in a b&b next time. I'm not sure I could handle 4/5? Adult children staying with me either. Sounds exhausting. Does she run around after you all?

SafferUpNorth · 25/08/2021 15:03

How old is she? Perhaps she just can't cope with hosting anymore, however much she used to love having you all to stay. DH and I live faraway from both our sets of parents, so also spend a week at a time visiting when we do. Both sets of parents in their mid-70s and yes, they have become increasingly cranky and impossible to live with over the years as they get older, even though they are always saying they'd love us to stay. It's age. We now book AirBnB nearby and just say "Perhaps easier if we all have our own space" (and use having a teenager as an excuse!), Good luck.

Comtesse · 25/08/2021 17:43

If (and that’s a big if) you ever stay like this again bring all your own bedding with you then take it away again afterwards. Sounds like she’s got it all out of proportion….

Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2021 18:08

How old is your mother?

BingBongToTheMoon · 25/08/2021 18:12

Go home.

Chloemol · 25/08/2021 18:13

I would pack up and go home. If she wants to see the grandkids invite her to stay at yours for a week

MissyB1 · 25/08/2021 18:14

That’s a heck of a lot of people she’s hosting. I would be tearing my hair out! Next time book accommodation nearby.

skyisblue21 · 26/08/2021 22:17

Dm house is very big so able to host that many people. Plenty of storage to store extra duvet, pillows etc. I can't take pillows and duvet with me as there isn't any space in the boot to do this, after putting everything else in there. Am sure you can imagine the amount of things needed when children are in the mix.
The pillow was completely flat, I can't see why a poster thinks it's odd that I can't sleep on a flat pillow, normal people can't, it's so flat that I might as well be sleeping on the bed without any pillow.

we're fine now and no more mention of the pillow

OP posts:
Moonshine5 · 26/08/2021 22:31

Clearly this goes a lot deeper than the pillow. It's really unkind of her to treat you like this. It's difficult because it's your mother and therefore emotionally layered and complex. It's easy to say NC but life isn't always that simple. You make sure you remind yourself you are an amazing person; when you get back spend time with people that value you or do activities that bring you joy. Make time time for them. Moving forward take deep breaths and make sure there are other adults present when you are in her company. People like your mother are often more concerned that outsiders view them favourably. Good luck and show yourself self compassion and care. You are worth more. Believe me until you believe it.

WaterIsBest · 26/08/2021 22:34

Shes shouting at you over a £5 pillow but your the one crying about a £5 pillow

A cheap pillow will be flat after a year!!!

Beebababadabo · 26/08/2021 22:37

I love flat pillows

Sarahlou63 · 26/08/2021 22:37

You and your mother sound very alike.

Keepitonthedownlow · 26/08/2021 22:38

Use 2 pillows?

junebirthdaygirl · 26/08/2021 22:38

Doesn't matter how big the house is having lots of people around is stressful especially as you get older. If she is used to a quiet house she will be finding the change good but a bit overwhelming too. Also you say you are invited to stay at your dms house yet when you are there you are not acting like a guest taking pillows etc.
The thing about the oven made me think.. dementia but others things seem more like stress.

QueenBee52 · 26/08/2021 22:41

Don't go again... 🌸