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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we shouldnt go to the wedding?

50 replies

Jezlouise · 25/08/2021 11:38

Me and dp are constantly arguing at moment. We have been invited to a wedding, that isnt a relative but close to it. That's fine. But thing is dp is up to his ears in debt and loans. He owes numerous people money. We are both unemployed at the moment. We dont even have money to go on dates or pay rent. So I dont think we should be forking out to go to a wedding that isnt in this country.

There is the cost of clothes, food, transport there.

Dp has said his family will offer him up the money. But accepting that money will just add to the I.o.u pile on and we will never be getting anywhere.

I cant see reason with dp. Our whole financial situation is really starting to piss me off. Most of it is due to his recklessness with money and more than once I've helped him out with his payments. But if I say I'm not going I'm being the downer and his whole family will think I'm the problem since they are none the wiser about his debt.

Aibu?

OP posts:
caughtinanet · 25/08/2021 13:04

How can he not find a job, are you in England? There's a massive shortage of staff in all kinds of industries, you don't need any qualifications for lots of them. Anyone at the moment who says they can't find a job sounds workshy.

I'm sure you can see his good qualities but you aren't selling them well on here

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 25/08/2021 13:08

Why are you both unemployed? Surely you are on maternity leave.

Given you both have a child to support and are having to love with relatives surely you both should be applying for anything and everything.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 25/08/2021 13:08

Neither the wedding nor a spa day should be a priority currently.

RampantIvy · 25/08/2021 13:16

It's a no brainer, of course you can't go. Apart from the cost there is the extra hassle with covid testing and potentially having to quarantine in a hotel at your own expense.

Is he actively looking for work?

1forAll74 · 25/08/2021 13:31

i wouldn't be going to a wedding under these circumstances, It will just cause you to have more worry in your mind, and have more overload problems.

BillinaTheChickenQueen · 25/08/2021 13:34

@Jezlouise

If only my dp could see the madness is this too! I'm tired of having to be the voice of reason. His family knows we are both unemployed at the moment so they have offered to lend money but that is only going to add to the problem. Seems I'm going to have to put my foot down on this one and just say I'm not going and then brace myself for the arguments and complaints from his family. Great.
He is not going to listen because he doesn’t want to. Yanbu. Don’t run in to more debt because of him.
Lunificent · 25/08/2021 13:37

It sounds as if the wedding is just one example of the key issue: that he is more reckless with money than you.
He isn’t going to change. Can you handle decades more of it?

BoredZelda · 25/08/2021 13:40

I've told dp he can go and tag along with his family and I will stay behind. That way no money has to be forked out.

You mean, his family will pay for his ticket. Money still has to be forked out.

villamariavintrapp · 25/08/2021 14:03

You both sound a bit feckless, honestly. He's worse, obviously, but I don't think that you're helping yourself by saying that you'd rather have the money for a nice spa day! I think you both need to rethink your priorities if you have no money and you've just had a baby.

Chloemol · 25/08/2021 14:13

Just tell his family about his debt and that’s why you are not going

bamboocat · 25/08/2021 14:18

@MauveMagnolia

Why do you need clothes. Most people just wear what they have
People with no money might not necessarily have things suitable for a wedding in their meagre wardrobe.
Driftingblue · 25/08/2021 14:31

He is never going to be debt free if he doesn’t change his mentality. Sometimes people get into debt because of poverty and just trying to meet basic needs. Often though it is because of an improper attitude towards money. As a couple or even on his own, this trip is not affordable. Since it isn’t an incredibly close family member, it simply shouldn’t happen. He needs a massive attitude adjustment towards money. If you hadn’t just had a baby, I would advise to run away from this person as fast as you can.

Flowers500 · 25/08/2021 14:32

@villamariavintrapp

You both sound a bit feckless, honestly. He's worse, obviously, but I don't think that you're helping yourself by saying that you'd rather have the money for a nice spa day! I think you both need to rethink your priorities if you have no money and you've just had a baby.
Oh my GOD I missed that… yeah maybe focus on getting basic stability for your child, clearing debts and sorting out somewhere to live?! You don’t have money to spend on treats if you don’t have the money for basics
Original poster
Jezlouise · 25/08/2021 17:06

@Flowers500 @villamariavintrapp

Maybe I didnt make myself clear. I spend all my income on my dc. That's why I'm constantly broke which is fine. That is my responsibility. As dp is the one with the debt I see it as his responsibility to use any spare money we have to pay off his bills and not put that aside because he "wants" to go to the wedding!

I want alot of things, but we have priorities.

My point with the spa thing is dp tried to sell this wedding off to me as a holiday that I've wanted but I said if I had spare cash it would be going towards a much needed massage not a flipping get away which would not be a "holiday" given we have a baby.

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 25/08/2021 17:24

But if I say I'm not going I'm being the downer and his whole family will think I'm the problem since they are none the wiser about his debt.

Then maybe now is the time for you to tell them? It sounds like he's pretending to everyone, and probably himself, that this isn't an issue, that he's got money. You're the only one facing up to reality. This is probably why he's desperate for you to go - he doesn't want anyone asking awkward questions.

Bluntness100 · 25/08/2021 17:28

Op how old are you both? Are you both very young?

Clearly two unemployed homeless people with a kid, debt and bo savings shouldn’t be borrowing more to go on holiday. But are you both in this position as you’re teenagers?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 25/08/2021 17:34

Surely “spare cash” should go on debt not the spa day rather than a holiday Hmm

Cocomarine · 25/08/2021 17:40

Another one curious as to him being unemployed when I work in an industry full of temp low skilled vacancies that can’t be filled… I mean - it was on the news yesterday about expanding prisoner day release to meet shortages!

I’d be open with his family - we’re in debt, even if you pay, there’ll be costs.

I’d rather they thought whatever they wanted to, than get further into debt.

lazyarse123 · 25/08/2021 17:41

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Surely “spare cash” should go on debt not the spa day rather than a holiday Hmm
Op said if there was any spare money that's what she would do with it not go on a non holiday. But she knows there isn't any money. Leave him op he's draining you financially now and eventually emotionally.
Bluntness100 · 25/08/2021 17:49

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Surely “spare cash” should go on debt not the spa day rather than a holiday Hmm
There is no spare cash, he was borrowing more to go on hols.
Eralos · 25/08/2021 18:10

How much debt are you talking? If he’s in so much debt why did he leave a job without another one?

Darbs76 · 25/08/2021 18:17

Yeah it’s not right to borrow money for something not necessary. The wedding party will understand why he can’t go

saladcreamandegg · 25/08/2021 18:23

It sounds like you shouldn't be going unless his family are gifting you the money to go because they want you to go.

Have you RSVP'd to the invite? If you've already RSVP'd that you're going then you really need to give the bride and groom as much notice as possible that you're not going.. they will be paying for both of your meals and also stuff like the table plan will be made with your names on.. which would cost money to change or be redone.

saladcreamandegg · 25/08/2021 18:25

Also, if his family make any comment about you not going I'd be telling them the reason is DP is already up to his eyes in debt.

Gazelda · 25/08/2021 18:52

You shouldn't go.
If he goes, then he's a fool.
I think you should make plans for being a single parent, without financial support from your child's father.
Don't get your finances tangled up with his, he sounds like a whole world of trouble.

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