To feel that I've not developed an is it too late to change

[loserloser]

I'm nearly 40 and feel like an utter embarrassment of myself. I have very little confidence, shy, don't know anything, not achieved anything, have awful social anxiety. It makes me look and feel incompetent. I don't know how to talk to people. I feel like a lemon sat there in the corner, awkward.

I've always been like this since I was a child and utterly despised myself. Stupidly, I thought I would better myself as I grew older, develop myself, be more confident and be able to live life more fully and achieve stuff. But I've been stuck for 40 years as that shy, fearful and helpless little girl. I haven't changed a jot actually. And I find that really sad. I know comparison is the thief of joy but I've watched my peers thrive and develop. My DH's nephews and nieces are now in their 20s having known them from since they were young children and although it has been lovely to see their transformation into strong, well developed young adults, I can't but help feel sad for myself.

I don't know what is wrong with me.

Definitely not too late! I'm sure others will come along with more advice, but my idea is to make this a project. Keep a diary and set yourself a small daily change. Get outside your comfort zone every day and learn that it's okay if it goes oear-shaped.
Then start identifying bigger challenges. There's a book about a man who did this called Born to be Mild which might give you some ideas.

You'll never be this young again! Your forties are a great time to shake things up! I think but only can you do this, you can enjoy it! (I'm finally learning to drive aged 47 after decades of terror and avoidance).

Oh and small talk - just ask a question about the other person. Most people love to talk about themselves. They'll think you're the best conversationalist ever.

Well, what do you want to know? Go and find a course or even just a book and start learning.

What do you want to achieve? Write it down, work out a plan and do it. It’s fine to start with a small achievement and build up.

You can learn social skills if they don’t come naturally. Watch what other people do and practice.

The only thing that won’t help is sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and not doing anything about it.

You're only 40 and I'm sure you have many wonderful attributes!

I've changed a lot in recent years but I've been put in a position where I've had to grow a back bone (strongly advocating for my child and his needs, long story) Also, I've been through counselling as having children, especially my daughter, opened up a lot of stuff from my childhood that I need to sort through for their sake as well as my own.

Think about what it is you want/don't want, and how to make small changes to achieve that.

Do you have any interests or hobbies? Attend a new class. Could be anything from a new exercise class to art to a book club.

Have a look at some online or evening classes? At there any promotions you want to go for in work? Any courses or something along those lines to achieve that?

Look up any books or podcasts etc about improving confidence etc as well

Most loud people only talk rubbish they have no filter and talk for the sake of it. I find them utterly boring and shallow be around.
Relax with who you are. Be kinder to yourself 're the way you see yourself.
There's a saying " When you try and fit in with others, you lose pieces of yourself" which is true.
I'm in my early 50' s and l just say now " I'm not a lover of small talk", that can open up a new conversation in itself, people agreeing with how tiresome it can become, what we do actually enjoy talking about, or prefer doing etc.
Become comfortable with who you are, and find people you feel you can just be yourself around.
My friend has just been allocated an allotment, she finds the people there really kind and helpful, when yo I share the same passion, conversation is a lot more natural.

That should read when you share the same passion.

I heard the phrase expand your comfort zone. That resonates with me. Start with something achievable. Ask one person you know how their day is going. People love to talk about themselves.

Never too late. But social anxiety is something you have to do hard work on to overcome. You can’t just sit and wait for confidence to develop.

I used to be a lot like this and look back now on so many wasted opportunities and fun I missed out on when I was younger because I didn’t feel like I could move past it. Felt worthless and like nobody would like me.
It’s happened slowly for me, putting myself out there more, talking even when it feels uncomfortable, asking people lots of questions, offering help etc. Confidence really is something that can be worked on, but it’s not going to happen on its own.

Thank you for your kind replies.

Getting out of my comfort zone sounds like a great idea.

I think my main issue is I actually want to change myself, my personality, what I'm like and I don't think that can change. Im not asking to be the life of the party but I really wish I was one of those people who could talk to anyone and be friendly. I feel like a horrible person. I have felt like this since I was young.

@loserloser

Thank you for your kind replies.

Getting out of my comfort zone sounds like a great idea.

I think my main issue is I actually want to change myself, my personality, what I'm like and I don't think that can change. Im not asking to be the life of the party but I really wish I was one of those people who could talk to anyone and be friendly. I feel like a horrible person. I have felt like this since I was young.

It seems that the main problem is how you perceive yourself and possibly not at all to do with how you actually are. Maybe you should work on your self esteem generally before anything else. Not everyone is the life and soul of the party. Often the quieter ones are more interesting. Start to work on liking yourself. Maybe a bit if therapy around that would help. Once your self esteem is better you may find some of the other things come naturally or are easier to attain.

Don't compare yourself to others. People in my life call me outgoing, approachable and confident. In reality, I am none of these things, I'm plagued with insecurities and doubts. I don't feel comfortable speaking with people, especially people I don't know.

But, think about why does it matter. Does it hold you back? You have a husband, so you've clearly been able to initiate and maintain a relationship.

I think developing a "fuck it" mentality helps, fuck it what is the worst that can happen, when you have doubts, fuck it who cares. Allows you to push yourself out of your comfort zone and it is just like riding a bike, before you know it your comfort zone has expanded.

Fuck it was the best decision I made.

OP (I refuse to quote your user name) - you've spent 40 years hating yourself and it hasn't worked. Do you think it's time to try a different tactic?

Have a read of this guide to core beliefs, I think you'll find it very enlightening;

www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

I'd also recommend some sort of therapy to help you change your mindset.

You could do worse than start with this book;

www.amazon.co.uk/Responsibility-Rebellion-Unconventional-Approach-Empowerment/dp/154450912X?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

DEFINITELY not too late. I went to uni for the first time at the age of 50 having left school at 16 with just O Levels. The course I studied required I had weekly psychotherapy. I am now 60 and have an MSc which makes me very proud. It was very hard but I persisted and didn't quit and I truly earned it. The years of therapy (which I didn't think I needed) have left me so much more content and better balanced than I was. Nothing in my past has changed and I'm still the same person but I'm much more accepting of my flaws and more appreciative of my strengths. I also know that the work I was able to do after earning the degree has made a positive difference in the lives of some very troubled people.