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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - mums behaviour over my paternal grandmas death

26 replies

sjxoxo · 24/08/2021 18:32

Wondering what the general consensus is on this situ.. my grandma (Dads mum) recently passed away, quite suddenly but peacefully. My mum never really liked her; they have had very different personalities and growing up my mum often made snipey comments about my grandma, her character, behaviour etc- nothing horrendous but I was definitely aware of it growing up even very young- my grandma was quite a ‘hard’ woman- not very affectionate or maternal for example. I don’t think my grandma really liked my mum; but I never heard my grandma speak badly of my mum and tbh I think she would have been too ‘busy’ to get involved in ‘tittle tattle’ as she couldn’t be arsed with that sort of thing. I expect her dislike of my mum wasn’t really personal but I have an inkling from something my dad said once that my grandma thought my dad should have married someone else: I wonder if my mum knew she’d said it- this is obviously mean but they did get married, happily, and my grandma was always civil etc they always just were pleasant; I never witnessed any hostility between the two of them, face to face, only my mums comments over the years. Anyway; my grandma passed away recently and my grandad offered me one of my grandmas rings- she had some beautiful heirloom jewellery and I’ve had a couple of bits over the years and my grandad offered me one of her rings and I said yes - I’d like something to remember her by of course. (She has also left me some money in her will). My grandad gave my mum the rings (there are several different ones) as they needed to be officially valued as part of the inheritance process; so the rings were in my mums possession for a week or so. My mum told me about all this on the phone as we chat regularly and described a few of the styles to me , I said one in particular sounded like my favourite (I live far away) and that was that. A few days later we are on a video chat and I notice she is wearing a ring instead of her engagement ring- and I realise it’s one of my grandmas- it’s the one I said I liked the sound of. She has since kept this ring and is wearing it. About a week later my dad calls me with my grandad and shows me the rings and asks me to choose one- I did & I’m grateful for it. The one my mum had one was not present with the others.. I feel a bit spikey about my mum just taking first dibs on my grandmas rings (which she happened to have in her possession by chance as she was tasked with the valuation); A) when she disliked my grandma and B) also I find it a bit odd as she is not a blood relative.. my grandma has two living sisters also- I think they’ve also been offered pieces; but I find it wrong my mum chose first without other relatives being able to chose before her.. am I being unreasonable??? I won’t say anything as it’s not a big deal In the long run & she obviously doesn’t have any issue with it- eventually I will inherit it anyway I suppose but that’s not really why it bothers me… I suppose deep down it’s this notion that yes it was her MIL but she was my Grandma, and there are other blood relatives and I feel we should have been a bit more considered…I feel a bit spikey when I see her wearing it now on our video calls. Thoughts please wise women?! Sorry for long context! AIBU?? xoxo

OP posts:
ShortColdandGrey · 24/08/2021 18:57

Why didn't you ask on the video call why she was wearing the ring? Maybe your grandad asked her to pick one for herself. The only way you are going to find out is by asking her. Seems a bit mean of her to pick the ring you said you would like though.

sjxoxo · 24/08/2021 19:07

@ShortColdandGrey I felt uncomfortable tbh as I realised during the call- I found it quite blatant and thought well obviously she has zero qualms over it! I got the impression that she felt entitled to choose as she liked- otherwise she wouldn’t have done it or worn it so soon- before the rest of us were involved! Xo

OP posts:
ShortColdandGrey · 24/08/2021 19:15

Would you feel more comfortable asking your dad or do you think your mum is going to be a pain in the arse about it?

AlistairCamel · 24/08/2021 19:18

I think there could be more to it. Your mother may have been asked to pick one and accepted. She may have picked the one she knew you liked, knowing you will get it eventually when she dies.

Eralos · 24/08/2021 19:37

Your grandad probably told her to pick one. It’s strange your quibbling over a blood relative.

Blossomtoes · 24/08/2021 19:43

I can’t imagine getting arsey about my mum having a ring I know I’ll eventually get anyway.

NailsNeedDoing · 24/08/2021 19:46

I’d be uncomfortable about this too, but it does sound like your grandad may have said something that made her feel it was ok when he gave the rings to her. It might be nice for your dad to see his wife wearing one of your mums rings.

NailsNeedDoing · 24/08/2021 19:47

His mum’s, sorry!

SquirryTheSquirrel · 24/08/2021 19:55

Could this have been instigated by your dad?

If I were in your mum's position, I'd let the blood relatives choose first.

To be honest, if I hadn't got on with my MIL I wouldn't want to wear one of her rings, even if it was a nice ring.

In summary, I think if she's helped herself before others she is BU, but if your dad said 'I'd love to see you wearing this ring of my mum's' that's reasonable.

sjxoxo · 24/08/2021 20:13

Thanks all for your replies- interesting to see the different perspectives! xo

OP posts:
Dontwatchfootball · 24/08/2021 20:14

Nope, that is shitty.

Unsubscribed · 24/08/2021 20:27

YANBU OP
But it's a tricky one without knowing for sure if Grandad offered your Mum her choice of the rings.

Even if he did it's a bit shitty of her to choose the one she knew you liked from the phone call.
You may well inherit it anyway OP but I'd want to make it known to the family members involved that you've observed DM has this particular ring in case she has any notion of selling it . DM was in charge of the valuation after all so she is in the know here.
I'm very suspicious minded though.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/08/2021 20:34

I find it odd that she asked you which you liked and included the description of the ring in question...you said you liked it, and then she took it anyway without even mentioning it. That's just a bit odd and sneaky. You think shed have said 'oh I already picked that one out for myself, sorry' or something similar.

Just ask her about it 'oh is that grandmas ring, that's the one I was asking for, I didnt realise that youd been asked to choose one as well...'

54321nought · 24/08/2021 20:37

she was maybe a lot fonder of her MIL than you realise

phishy · 24/08/2021 21:35

I would definitely say something to her.

Sceptre86 · 24/08/2021 22:25

Maybe she picked it because she knew you liked it and to make sure you would eventually have got it. If your grants sisters or other relatives had gotten to choose before you then you wouldn't have. I would just ask tbh.

3Br1tnee · 24/08/2021 22:29

Your mum is a serious CF. She coated the woman off her whole life then takes first dibs on her jewellery 🤨

Mrstamborineman · 24/08/2021 22:34

Yes yabu for the blood relative comment. You will inherit it from her anyway.

Mrstamborineman · 24/08/2021 22:38

Also just because Someone sometimes says mean things doesn’t mean they don’t like them. People get of others people’s nerves. It’s life. They can get past it and still care.

Caterinasballerinas · 24/08/2021 22:39

You could ask your DM why she didn’t tell you the one you liked was also the one she liked so you’d know you couldn’t have that one with her having first choice. See what she says to that? It may then come out that she was offered by your grandfather or dad but you’d still have the reason to raise it because you had an expectation you could select that ring.

Heartofglass12345 · 24/08/2021 23:32

It sounds like she picked it on purpose to me. Can you ask your dad in private if she was offered it or if she just helped herself?

Blaaaaaaaaah · 24/08/2021 23:39

You’re pissed off she chose the one you said. Fair enough but the other excuses are just that.

MiddleClassProblem · 24/08/2021 23:48

I think as pp have pointed out, you don’t know all the facts of how she ended up with it. If you ever do find out what happened and it was shady, then you are entitled to feel like that but I wouldn’t dwell on that negative feeling unless you know what has happened for sure rather than coming to your own assumptions. It can sour your relationship with your mum who is very much still a part of your life, over possibly your own imagining of the situation.

It’s also possible that you are manifesting these feelings as part of your grief process and just feeling mad that someone you loved, she didn’t.

emilylily · 25/08/2021 00:42

That sounds mean of her unless she was worried that her MIL's sisters would choose your favourite ring first- but surely she'd have told you that?

I think you should tell your Mum that you felt a little hurt that the one ring that you did want from your Gran is the one that she has chosen.

Hankunamatata · 25/08/2021 02:37

It's not nice that she asked you to pick one and then took it for herself.

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