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Original poster

What to do in this situation

32 replies

peterpickle · 24/08/2021 15:53

I never thought I'd be writing something like this, I've name changed by the way for this.

To cut the long story short I fancy my friends ex husband.

Friend and her ex have been divorced for around 15 years, they have 2 DC one is in their early 20's, the other is nearly 18. Friends ex goes to the same gym as me and we've spoken a few times there, he seems really nice from speaking to him and he's very attractive and looks young for his age given he's well in to his 40s now which I find attractive. My friend has since been re-married for many years and has another DC with her current DH. My gut tells me its massively disrespectful to my friend to pursue things with her ex, there was no abuse involved in their split it was according to my friend because they married quite young and grew apart. Am I right in not even completing getting to know her ex husband more because of my loyalty to my friend.

OP posts:
plodalong12 · 24/08/2021 15:56

I think after 15 years it’s fine, IMO. 15 months, no.

Original poster
peterpickle · 24/08/2021 16:00

Contemplating not completing sorry

OP posts:
Original poster
peterpickle · 24/08/2021 16:06

I forgot to mention friend and her ex have a good relationship

OP posts:
Mischance · 24/08/2021 16:09

Why not? You have your life to lead; and she has hers - 15 years have passed and she has moved on. If the marriage had broken down because he was a crap husband, then it would be different.

Is he free?

Original poster
peterpickle · 24/08/2021 16:10

Yeah he's single at the moment

OP posts:
CirqueDeMorgue · 24/08/2021 16:11

Obviously, talk to her about it. I can't see that this would bother me in the friend's position.

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 24/08/2021 16:11

It will be a bit tricky to navigagte and you may upset her a little bit but she should to handle it if she is reasonable as it was so long ago.

ElizaDoolots · 24/08/2021 16:11

Hmm, I wouldn’t say it’s totally off the cards, they split up a very long time time ago. You know your friend best though, how do you think she would react if anything did happen?

lyntheyresexpeople · 24/08/2021 16:12

A brief fling or boyfriend, sure. An ex husband of a friend?! No. There are absolutely thousands of men out there, that weren't married to your friend.

VladmirsPoutine · 24/08/2021 16:12

Don't go there. There are millions actually billions of men on this earth go find one who isn't an ex husband to your friend.

AlbaAlba · 24/08/2021 16:13

Really don't see the problem here, assuming you are both currently single.

It ended on amicable terms, 15 years ago. If really worried you could ask your friend out of courtesy. You never know, she might help set you up. I've certainly done match-making for ex boyfriends before, when they're decent blokes.

Wilmaa · 24/08/2021 16:15

15 years ago and a new marriage-don't see the problem.
Go for it, I would tell your friend before though so she doesn't hear through the grapevine

Hadenoughofthisbullshit · 24/08/2021 16:17

Ask her.

IWantT0BreakFree · 24/08/2021 16:21

Maybe she will be fine with it. Maybe she will find it really awkward and difficult, which would be understandable. Maybe she will think she's fine with it but then when faced with the reality she will change her mind. All possibilities. If you pursue a relationship with this man you have to be prepared to lose your friend as a result. So what's more important to you? Potential relationship with a guy you've chatted to at the gym, or your friendship?

Unsure33 · 24/08/2021 16:26

is he interested in you ?

y0rkier0se · 24/08/2021 16:30

The father of your friend’s children? Totally off limits IMO. Imagine how much it would change the dynamic with your friend, for you to become a step parent to her adult children?

Original poster
peterpickle · 24/08/2021 16:37

@y0rkier0se That was may main feeling, if they hadn't had children together I wouldn't feel as awkward about it but they do so it just feels something a friend wouldn't do to a friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
peterpickle · 24/08/2021 16:37

My

OP posts:
Original poster
peterpickle · 24/08/2021 16:47

@Unsure33 I have no idea if he likes me

OP posts:
cooroocoocoo · 24/08/2021 16:47

Why not simply talk to your friend, it can be light hearted.

Tulips15 · 24/08/2021 16:51

Personally, I would find that awkward and a big No.

DespairingHomeowner · 24/08/2021 16:57

15 years on and based on what you've written - I think you are fine to go ahead. Chat to him & take it from there, DO NOT ask your friend (as chances are it will go nowhere so why rock the boat)

Its actually NOT that easy to find a decent man to date in your 40s & a lot easier to find female friends IME - if she is a decent friend & things work out then she should accept it: not a recent break up & she has moved on with her life

DoWhatYouWantToAndShh · 24/08/2021 16:58

Can't imagine anything worse.
My ex and a friend.
Someone who's seen me give birth, share kids with, knows personal things about me and my life...now dating a friend.

Then if you argue she'll have to hear it, will you both ask advice of her?

You're just admiring him at the gym. You don't know if he likes you.

Day you date, it doesn't work out, how awkward would that be?

I'd think you weren't a great friend personally.

UpstreamSwimmer · 24/08/2021 17:15

Go for it. Maybe mention it to your friend first, so she doesn't see it as a betrayal, but realistically speaking there's nothing wrong and she doesn't own him.

mrsbitaly · 24/08/2021 17:16

I would speak to your friend first, even though its been a long time it may make her feel uncomfortable and your friendship may be worth more than getting into it with her ex.

Just say you would like to go on a date nothing heavy and see how she feels and reassure her you don't want it to affect your friendship