Just turned 40 and so sad at the thought I probably won't be able to have another baby numerous reasons

[Quick99]

Mostly financial 😩.
We should be able to afford a 3rd child on paper joint income 74k. Mortgage payments 1100. But we have 20k of debt we are getting down this was accumulated whilst I was a sahm and doing my MBA.
Dh was really stressed during the last year of me only working part time and the financial burden was heavy on him.
We've just to a point dc at school full time and I'm working full time. We can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel and afford more treats.
But for the last few weeks my heart and so heavy and I feel upset at the thought of not having more children I'm so broody. I would love another baby or two really would. Dh is not keen at all the idea and says lots of practical and sensible reasons we could not bigger car,need to move house, our dc would need cut down on their activities etc
I feel really sad

YANBU to be sad about it. It’s a very real grief.

I was you 10 years ago. It wears off. And dh was right, having 3 would have been a real struggle now they are teens. We are currently saving the parental contribution to university living costs - £7,000 per child per annum. Brutal.

I felt like you at 40. By 42, I started being perimenauposal, and suddenly, the idea of a baby was a totally different experience. 10 years on, I'm sooooooo relieved I don't have a 10yo to cope with.

It definitely does wear off!

I can only have one due to age and finances. We had DD at 41 (me) and 46 (DH). We can’t afford a second now and don’t have time to wait.

I feel less sad this year than last. I imagine every year will be easier.

I have one due to secondary infertility and am the same age as you. You'll survive with two.

I think posts where people compare fertility etc are really unhelpful. Your pain and difficulty don’t reduce someone else’s experience and how they feel. We’re all going through different shit.

YANBU but you will absolutely get past it.

I felt like this but I was late twenties. It passed and actually completely turned round. Through the teenage years I was really pleased I only had two as I know that as a parent I couldn't have managed more!

Both mine have decided to take the university route so now even more certain this was the right thing for me and my family.

I desperately wanted 3 but 38 was my cut off. Id had the kids when I was 31 and 34. DH was adamant he only wanted 2 but mourning my mythical 3rd was a real thing.
I knew it would pass though and I’m 41 now and there’s nobody missing from our family. Our boys are nearly 10 and 7 and very close.
I used to feel a primal yearn when I held a baby but now nothing. I mean yes lovely to snuggle newborns but I don’t feel that desperate longing anymore. In most cases it does pass especially as your kids get older.

For years and years before I had children, I wasn't broody at all. Then very suddenly in my late 20s all I could think about was babies. I would have loved a third, but DH said no. Very sad for a while. Eventually I went back to feeling exactly as I had before the broodiness kicked in and all I could feel is relieved that we only have 2. Hopefully it works that way for you too.

One thing that I heard recently which put me right off having a baby in my late 30's/early 40's is that one effect of peri menopause/menopause can be that your nurturing instinct may turn off like a tap and potentially you've still got primary aged children at home. Nightmare. The only thing getting me through their young years is my warm and fuzzy feelings towards them. If that's gone, I'd be fucked.

So I count myself lucky to have my 2. At least they'll have flown the nest by the time that happens.

I think hitting that moment when it feels like the choice will be taken away from you due to age makes you really think about it more. I had my second much wanted baby at 41, never wanted more than 2 before and I still felt bereft as there are loads of reasons why I won't be able to have another! I still feel a pang about it even though it makes no rational sense to. It's good to hear from others that it goes away in time!

@Squashpocket that is definitely true and it came as quite a shock tbh. For me its coincided with my youngest becoming a teen so it works well - I'm not crying because he wont give me the time of day. Dont get me wrong, I am sure I'll welcome grandchildren some day but I moved from sadly accepting I'd have no more babies to relief that I was done. My temper is most noticeably shorter now that I'm not drenched in reproductive hormones anymore too and I'm far less tolerant. Not a good combi for small children!

The sadness I felt in my early 40s was very real though so be kind to yourself OP

YANBU

but you are being sensible. Many of us had to limit how many children we could have (if any) purely for financial reasons. It sucks. But it means you can afford more and a better life for your existing children, instead of resenting them like people moaning about the price a school jumper or an ice-cream, making the kids feel so unwanted and a burden.

Better 2 happy children than 3 miserable. There's always the risk of a disabled child needing more attention too. While of course you would love them just the same, it's a burden for the others.

if you have another one now there will presumably be at least a 5-6 year age gap between numbers 2 and 3. that will significantly impact your older two in terms of things like what sorts of holidays you can go on, what days out you can do, everything having to go down to baby level again.

I was lucky enough to manage to have DC2 at a similar age after three years of secondary infertility. I am still quite upset we never managed DC3 even though I’m bang on top of menopause and logistically three children would have been a PITA. a PP describing it as a grief is honestly true. I had four losses in all and two live children. I’m okay day to day but I think I probably do hold a level of sadness about it I don’t acknowledge but spills out of me from time to time.

It's common, and natural, so YABU. But it wears off, and you will go back to enjoying the lovely kids you already have. You don't need another, and - given enough time to pass - you won't want another, either.

Thank you all I hope the feeling does fade I just always imagined having a big family my mum is one of 7 and dad one of 5. Always throught how lovely for my nans to always have a housefull

@Quick99

Thank you all I hope the feeling does fade I just always imagined having a big family my mum is one of 7 and dad one of 5. Always throught how lovely for my nans to always have a housefull

Pictures can be deceiving, all my friends and I that had large families growing up hated it and would never choose the same.