Feeling left out - what shall I do?

[seashells1221]

I'll try to explain this as briefly as I can - please be kind because I am aware that I could be being unreasonable...
I have 2 friends who I have been close to for over 20 years - we are now late 30's. 1 was my bridesmaid and 1 is godmother to my daugther etc.. We have always occasionally done things as a 2 without the other over the years but not often and the other one is usually invited but couldn't / didn't want to come for some reason. In the last couple of years, the other 2 have got closer. They enjoy the same particular activity and as a result, I am being left out more and more. This was fine at first as I wouldn't enjoy the activity they like doing but it is now spilling out into nights out, holidays, weekends away and I feel unbelievably hurt. They both go on about how much I am their best friend etc... but I just don't believe it anymore. I dread opening instagram and facebook as it is full of photos of them together (usually with another group of friends from their activity). I have tried to reach out to them before but my feelings were immediately dismissed as 'you are being stupid'. We do still do some things together but it sometimes feels like an afterthought. I feel so lonely. - I have spent many days on my own with my children over the holidays whilst they have been off doing things I have not been invited to. It is not even the fact that I'm not invited as other people are there that I don't really know so I wouldn't expect to be invited but I wish they sometimes wanted to plan things with me but apparently they just don't have any free time left... How should I play this? Should I just be grateful for any time they give me or let the friendships go? Or am I being unreasonable? I do have some other friends btw but I miss these 2 - they have been a massive part of my life

Do they have children too?

Are you the only one of the three who has children? If they did invite you to these things, would you be able to go? Do you invite them to anything at all, and if you do, what do they say?

Friendships evolve over time...firstly you need to stop seeing it as something that is being done TO you. It isn't. It was your choice not join their activity and there is nothing wrong with them getting closer to each other and their friends from that activity, if its important to them.

Just tell them (without rancour or accusation) that you miss their company and would like to arrange some time to spend together.

Do you still invite them out, on evenings or trips away?

It sounds like you need to find new friends. For whatever reason, they have chosen to go their separate ways, so it is probably best to find other friends now.

OP, I think you should think about it from their perspective first, which is probably that with limited free time and ability to do hobbies and have long weekends/holidays as life gets busier these days, if you have a friend who does one, you will naturally see more of them as you get a two-for-one. For example, I do a run then brunch with a friend every Saturday morning. She’s not a best friend, but she’s the only one who likes running, so I see her at least once a week at this, and occasionally at other drinks etc too. Busy weeks may mean cancel or don’t arrange things with other friends but still do see her, as I prioritise the running and don’t want to let someone down.

My sister has a similar friend via her kids netball. She spends 3 hours with her every week having coffee and chatting on the sidelines of the games - more than with any other better friend! - but the friendship is a bit situational.

I’ve also been away on yoga or music weekends with friends (not best friends).

So from their perspective they probably do mean it when they say they value you, it’s just that because of the shared hobby/sport, they naturally spend more time together.

If it was me, I would want to try and hold on to such long-standing friends. I would not want to be a drag to be around and complaining (no one wants to hang around a friend who always makes them feel bad). I would consider joining the hobby, but I assume that’s out. If not, I’d try and think of a way I could still be involved in the hobby that I could tolerate - spectator? Perhaps you could find another hobby they want to do with you. Or join a new thing myself, make new friends, see them slightly less and acknowledge that’s sometimes what happens. But also - that as things change - joints give out and people don’t run anymore or kids stop playing netball or something else, this hobby might fade away too, and there might be more time to resume a deeper friendship then. But not in bitterness like ‘finally got time for me!’ but in good spirits like “an old friend is back, how lovely.”

Yes we all have children. The activity is sports based. The things they do now are with the people they have met through the sport, so not necessarily the ACTUAL sport. I do still suggest things but have to admit that I have stopped doing so in the last few weeks as it hurts when they never say yes as they don't have any spare time,.. I would have walked away but then, for example, one of them will post photos on facebook about us 3 as a group and how much we all mean to each other. It is very confusing!

@FollowYourOwnNorthStar Thank you - that is good advice. I have been feeling abit 'woe is me' lately but am trying really hard to get over that!!

Can you join thief hobby too or do you really not like it?

Gosh I’m all fingers and thumbs today - meant their(!)

@MaryTalbot I really can't...I'm just not built for it!!

Social media is not real life.

Doing a sporting event, training, group event makes for good photos for social media. Better than photos of you and them sitting together having a coffee.

It doesn't mean they no longer like you or value you. Social media is not an accurate representation of people's lives.

They have not done anything to you - you don't like the activity (it's cycling right, it always is). They do. They want to spend some of their free time doing that activity.
That does mean they have a little bit less free time.
But that is not because they are setting out to exclude you. It's really not about you at all. It is about the fact they want to spend some time cycling.

You feel excluded because you don't have a similar activity/interest to take up some of your free time. Instead you feel like you are spending lots of days alone with your kids. That is totally understandable as a feeling. I am sympathetic to that.

But don't flounce off from a friendship of many years standing because you feel a bit put out. They aren't being unreasonable or mean. They just like cycling and you don't.

If you are bored and lonely, then you need to think of some activities that you do like doing yourself. And next summer you will have more things going on for yourself and be less worried by your friends' interest in cycling.

Also - tell them you'd love to catch up. No shame in saying that to some good friends.

Also sports teams/clubs often involve socialising. It may even have a social secretary who organises that stuff. So photos of them on a night out with their sports crew isn't because they hate you. It means someone had been proactive enough to organise it, chase people up and make it happen.

Friendship groups don't have a social secretary so it's easier to let things drift a bit

Thanks @MojoMoon I have been tempted to flounce off but I will resist

it sounds like they are going out as part of a group related to the hobby, not because they prefer it if it is just the two them - if it was only one of your friends going out with this hobby group would you feel left out?

I would say them that you’d love to catch up in a positive way rather then complaining that they are excluding you. I also would suggest something specific 2 or 3 options rather then general “ we should catch up some time”.
However I would expect them to want to see you, maybe less than before but at least some time. If they don’t show desire to see you at all… well, that’s your answer then. Posting nice photos on FB cost nothing, I wouldn’t count on this. I would expect them to show real interest.

[quote seashells1221]@FollowYourOwnNorthStar Thank you - that is good advice. I have been feeling abit 'woe is me' lately but am trying really hard to get over that!![/quote]
It’s completely natural to feel ‘woe is me’ and also to want to flounce off. You feel hurt - they have made you feel left out and it hurts.

But, as I said, if they are the great friends of 20 years you describe, then sometimes, it can be just thoughtlessness, and a pull into an activity, rather than actively excluding you.

As I said in my previous post, my sister and I had a shock about how much time she spent a netball every single week with this friend - more than any of her closer friends, more than her sister, more than even good quality chatting time with her husband, some weeks! But it was all hobby/kids netball related. They didn’t ever see each other unless it was netball related.

So remember to think that your catch ups are non-sport, non-hobby related and so very much harder to arrange and must be more precious to your friends.

Also - think about the power of situational friends. I did, and I now do my grocery shopping with my mother. It’s a job that has to be done anyway, we have a coffee beforehand, chat as we go up the aisles, and it’s an easy ‘visit’ during a time poor part of my life. Can you do this with them? If it’s sport, can you meet them for a big carb lunch after each training? Or can you meet them before work for a coffee? Two old flatmates of mine and I used to all keep getting our coffee at the same place at 8am for years after we moved on to other flats. We liked the coffee, it was handy for work and we caught up. As people changed jobs and had children it became just a Friday’s then stopped in the pandemic, but it was lovely for the years it lasted!

outgrowing childhood /teenage friends is part of life - doesn't mean you no longer stay in touch, but maybe it's time to develop friendships with people you have more in common with?

Wise words from @FollowYourOwnNorthStar there on situational friends. Sometimes you need to engineer situations to keep friendships going when people are busy.

Pre -covid, I did an exercise class most weeks with a very old friend. With small kids, she had little free time and was keen to do some exercise so we made it our "thing" to do it and then have a quick breakfast afterwards. The routine kept that going in a way that would have been so much harder without it. It was on our way to work, on a day where she had childcare already arranged and so we could make it happen.
The regularity of meeting also meant more natural, spontaneous socialising happened - "oh, you have tickets for that event, I'll get some too" type things sparked by our breakfast chat.

Some of that explains why they socialise with their sports group too - if you see people regularly for your sport, it's easy for things to crop up in conversation that lead to doing other activities.

Need to get that exercise class routine going again. Barely managed to see her for 18 months!