Taken advantage of or just being a decent human being to a family in need?

[DevonSunsets]

I’m part of a gaming group. It’s a lovely group which has been running for years.

There is a couple who have a significantly disabled son who host the group. I have prior knowledge of his condition/needs as I qualified and worked in that area of care (years ago).

It started very small – I was Invited over for a game but there was a ‘emergency’ and they had to pop out for a few minutes (the first time it happened it was a few minutes) A little while later there a problem with the car ‘can I sit with him for an hour so they could get it sorted?’ Then one of them was having tests in hospital and they were let down by the carer and so on… It was a boiling a frog situation. Where it was so slow that you just don’t notice and each occasion it was a plausible and immediate need. Slowly over time I’ve ended up with a least an hour up to an afternoon a week sitting in.

The scales fell from my eyes this week because I had to say I couldn’t visit for a short period (plenty of notice was being given). Jenny’s* tone was very sharp with me. I suddenly realised I wasn’t being spoken to as a friend, or fellow gamer but as a sitter who had personally let her down.

I was upset and was considering quitting the gaming group to end this obligation. However, my best friend (and fellow gamer) feels I’m being very harsh as being parents to a very disabled child is very isolating and having someone who can sit must be a godsend. She feels it’s likely not a deliberate just a situation that has come about.

So, what do you all think? I feel a bit taken advantage of but my friend thinks I’m just being a decent human being to a family in need.

You have named her in your OP. Ask MNHQ to change it.

Do you go over to game and they go out leaving you with their son?

Rock and hard place. I cant imagine they have any respite or anyone else willing to sit their son. Perhaps the mums tone was harsh as she was upset/desperate to make an appointment etc. You could point her in the direction of direct payments

They may well be in need of respite but that does not excuse them using you as an unpaid sitter.

These sorts of favours are common between friends so I don’t think she was wrong to ask you and you weren’t wrong to help. If now, it’s grown to become too much you need to say so and row that back. But I think it’s unfair to make out she has used you when you willingly helped previously. These boards are full of parents struggling and being told to “find their village”.
Be honest that you can’t do as much anymore but don’t pull out of the friendship.

So do you now have a regular commitment to them where you go over every week at a fixed time? I can see how that could happen.

It’s very hard to say if that was deliberate manipulation from the outset or just had developed. And if you’ve never been put out by it before, always seemed willing or happy to do a favour, and not had to say no I can understand why you’d feel aggrieved by a response that wasn’t gracious. But as your friend says, must be hard to look forward to respite (which is basically what you’ve become) and feel disappointed. She shouldn’t have reacted like that, though.

Perhaps you need a proper chat about it?

I suddenly realised I wasn’t being spoken to as a friend, or fellow gamer but as a sitter who had personally let her down.

And if that was your thought, then you’re probably right. It’s all very well for your friend to pull the “decent human being” card, when she’s not the one in the firing line….

My DH has a theory that humans are naturally entitled. If you give someone something as a treat/favour over a long period of time, they come to expect it and then to see it as their right. If you then take it away, they are disgruntled and feel aggrieved, even if it was obviously never theirs in the first place. This situation reminds me of this. They have come to see you as an available free babysitter and are aggrieved when you (quite reasonably) aren’t available because they’ve come to expect you to be. I’m not as nice as you, so I’d be nipping this in the bud from here before the expectation gets any greater….

Drop them. They are obviously acting entitled and using you.

Oh and tell your friend who thinks you were to harsh to step in and help them instead if she feels so strongly about it. Easy for her to speak when it's not her time being stolen.

Trust your own gut. It’s usually right.

They probably do need respite, but the way you get that is by asking for it. You don’t trick people into doing it then sulk when they can’t!

It's easy for your friend to pontificate about "being a decent human being to a family in need" when they aren't being asked to give up their time. So:

1. Ignore your moralising friend.
2. Realise that this is the deal with these people ("Jenny" and partner). There is no option to be friendly with them without doing this favour - and it is a favour as you are getting nothing in return.

If you continue to see them, do it with your eyes open. It seems like you don't know them all that well, so your life won't be diminished if you cut them out. What might cause a problem is your own feelings of guilt, and potential isolation from the group especially if they present a distorted version of the story to other members.

I would recommend not feeling guilt. You don't have any obligation to this couple or their child. You might lose the gaming group but honestly, you can probably find another or a different hobby. It sucks that you can't have everything as you would choose it to be, but that's life.

I don’t think you should quit the gaming group to end your ‘obligation’, though. That’s not how to address it. Either have a conversation where you’re honest - I feel like you were a bit sharp with me the other day and it left me feeling upset because… - or just stop sitting so much. Say no a few more times, as well as yes. Wait for them to ask rather than assume you’ll be round on X day.

I think if you formally clarify expectations on both sides, that will help. You’re happy (seemingly) to help out on a regular basis as long as everyone understands you can only commit to X, and if you can’t do it sometimes you’ll give plenty of notice. And if they understand hopefully that will stop any feelings of being taken advantage of.

If it’s moved from being grateful for your help to being grumpy when you can’t, it’s time to ease back. I’d send a message explaining you felt she was a bit short with you when you couldn’t help the other day and that while you’re happy to help in a genuine emergency, you’re not able to commit to the weekly visits that seem to have become routine/expected.

Don't leave the gaming group to avoid the situation. I'd make sure I was busy for a while, until they get the message.

@MagnoliaBeige

If it’s moved from being grateful for your help to being grumpy when you can’t, it’s time to ease back. I’d send a message explaining you felt she was a bit short with you when you couldn’t help the other day and that while you’re happy to help in a genuine emergency, you’re not able to commit to the weekly visits that seem to have become routine/expected.

That would be the mature approach if you think you want to try and salvage the friendship/group membership.

They may want respite but that’s not your problem, you have your own life. They sound like CF’s, l wouldn’t be helping them out anymore but l don’t see why you should leave the gaming group. If your other friend feels so strongly then she can be the one who get ordered round by them.

as the parent of a child with severe disability.....they are using you,

Continue the group and friendship for now but certainly start saying no more often. Re evaluate after those reactions, and then either say something or just withdraw.
As a one off, you can’t tell.

Ask your friend to step in then?😀
I can see how this has all come about but it needs to be made clear that you are not a carer for their dc and whilst you're happy to help occasionally,it's not to be seen or relief upon as a regular thing.Suggest you help her find some assistance from a charity to give her some respite.
If you don't speak up now the expectations will increase.
You've been amazing to do so much.💐

@SunShinesBrightly the * after Jenny was to remind me to say all names have been changed but I forgot. No need to MN to remove.

I think I'd be forgiving of one bout of 'sharpness'. It was definitely not ok but no ones perfect. I would tell her you were upset and annoyed by it and I'd remind her that you've helped them out a lot. Then you need to tell her how or if you wish to help in future. Be honest.
Offing an hour a week or something must be an amazing help for them but you should only do it if you want to. You mustn't feel obligated.

I think you should speak to Jenny about her reaction, and say no more often.

Don't stop the group!

Both things can be true.

It is a question of boundaries.

“Good fences make good neighbours “ as the Robert Frost poem goes.

You don’t need to leave the group, that would be a terrible outcome for you.

Just remain calm and kind but direct. “I can pop over for half an hour but not more than that”. “Sorry, that isn’t possible for me today “.

But if there is any time you would genuinely like to give them respite be pro active and say “I have a couple of flexible hours next Tuesday, would it help if I came over?”

She was probably panicked when she looked sharp. They probably are desperate, so much respite and agency care has vanished over lockdown.

But it isn’t your job or responsibility to go beyond what you want to do.

It is ok to set your boundaries.

We are very bad in this country at being assertive in a friendly positive confident way. But it is easier than we think once we get the hang of it.

Model and role play someone you know who you have heard saying no.

It’s completely different if they said “we need some help would you mind sitting for us” or if you had offered. This just sounds like slowly getting you to cover in “emergency” situations which has extended into something you never signed up for. You never volunteered regular sitting and they never asked It’s not fair to do that to someone.

I have all the sympathy in the world for them but this is not the way you get help.

We are very bad in this country at being assertive in a friendly positive confident way. But it is easier than we think once we get the hang of it.

This!

For starters, tell your 'friend' to contact them and offer a regular sitting for them. It's all very well to tell you what to do when she's not doing anything to help!!

I suspect it’s both tbh.

It’s you and then getting used to you being able to support them at short notice.
And then it’s also them becoming complacent and entitled.

Whether you want to carry in helping them is up to you. But if you do, I’d establish clear boundaries on how much you are happy to help.
Eg not an every week issue, not every time etc…
I suspect you’ll have to learn to say NO just as much as they will have to learn to accept the NO.