To ask is this abusive?

[LBirch02]

I feel much happier than I ever have - life is good. However I’m trying to process my unhappy childhood and adopt a policy of self care so I can get the most out of life. I feel my mum was physically and emotionally abusive - the emotional part was actually by far the major component. I’ll give some examples.
I was fat as a 10 yr old child and developed breasts early. When we were on a package holiday abroad and met another family she suddenly told the family mid conversation about me “she won’t wear a bra for me”. Now me and mum up to this point had never had any conversation about bras whatsoever!

1. On my 10th birthday I had about 10-15 girls over for a party and my mum suddenly out of nowhere put on a nursery rhyme tape for us all to listen to!

1. When I was 9 we were on holiday in Majorca my mum whispered to the 6 yr old girl of another family : “my name is as fat as that” and pointed to an elephant in a book. Yes I was a visibly fat 9 yr old. She also took the 9 yr old boy of the same family aside - wanted to make it clear to me that she’d said something to him I was excluded from - from the 10 yr old’s comments to me then she’d obviously been saying I was spoilt - I’m an only child.

1. When I was aged around 4 I remember many times mum being pissed and shouting at me in an abusive, aggressive tone that I was “spoilt” and “ruined”.
2. As a child would get drunk then blame me for her not being able to leave my Dad.
3. Would try and force friendships calling me selfish and accuse me of not being sociable enough
4. When I was 15 she stormed into my room drunk and started hitting me repeatedly using the premise of not responding to her when she called me.
5. When I was 14 she got drunk and aggressively insisted me and dad got out of the house for the day so we were literally walking the streets aimlessly for a day.
6. At primary school age all I was thinking about was hope mum doesn’t get pissed tonight.

10. She would accuse me of being socially backward when she saw me with with my friends 11. Use emotional blackmail such as saying “I told your friends mum that you’re not working hard in school” 12. Would get pissed at home more often than not knowing I didn’t like it - I was primary school age

There is much more but I don’t want to bore everyone- thanks for getting this far.

Sorry op, she definitely sounds emotionally abusive. Possible mental health issues?

Thanks for your response. I found out that before I was born she’d spent time in a psychiatric hospital

Yes all of these examples sound very abusive and upsetting with the possible exception of the first two which could be put down to bad judgement and I'm so sorry you had to experience this as a child from the one person who should have protected you and put you needs above their own. Certainly problematic drinking, violence and verbal abuse are things no child should have to tolerate.

Your mum clearly had a problem with alcohol and felt unhappy and trapped with your dad but her way of managing it was highly inappropriate and no wonder you feel angry.

Have you had counselling to deal with this? If not, I strongly recommend that you do.

I had a parent who drank as well (nowhere near this level) but it damaged me a lot and took a long time to process. Counselling really helped me.

Good luck.

peopleversus thanks for your comments - I’ve had a bit of counselling and trying to practice ‘self care’ a lot as well. Sorry you also had to suffer a parent who drank - it’s awful.

Another thing I’ve missed out - when I was 20 and still lived at home I had a friend in the car and mum was driving us to the gym. She mentioned that the car had to be taken to a garage for repairs and said to us “the car’s got a headache”

So sorry OP. But alcohol dependency often results in child abuse. What your mum did to you is obviously child abuse of several kinds- emotional, verbal and physical. I would suggest you think about trauma therapy especially for the incidents where she physically hit/assaulted you.
Also don’t feel you have to forgive and forget. Western culture has a bit of mother worshipping in it where the unloving, abusive mother is rarely acknowledged as existing. So fight the pressure on Mothering Sunday and so on to be the dutiful daughter. Don’t be seeking her love or approval as it’s obvious to me she has withheld that from you and been a terrible mother.

I think you know the answer surely? If you're a parent then learn from these episodes to ensure your children don't have the same childhood as you did.

Raccordement

Thank you for your suggestion - I never actually considered trauma therapy specifically. I totally agree with ‘mother worshipping’ culture. I will vow now to distance myself!!

RedHelenB

That’s the thing - one on hand I do know the answer. But all my life I’ve been called ‘spoilt’ and ‘overprivileged’ by people because -I’m from an upper middle class/professional background and raised in an affluent area.
Only child of older parents - so as far as other people are concerned they think I’ve been indulged. It’s been very hard to reconcile my actual experience with this narrative.

But all my life I’ve been called ‘spoilt’ and ‘overprivileged’ by people because -I’m from an upper middle class/professional background and raised in an affluent area. Only child of older parents - so as far as other people are concerned they think I’ve been indulged. It’s been very hard to reconcile my actual experience with this narrative.

Child abusers are very good at keeping the worst abuse behind closed doors and in public projecting narratives that cast them in a good light such as the loving mother coping with the spoilt brat of a daughter to excuse any abuse they do in public (such as the verbal abuse you have given examples of).

You can’t reconcile your experience with the narrative because the narrative is false. It was all smoke and mirrors created by your abuser to fool everyone around you and also to make you feel worse and ultimately helpless....as in if you ever told another adult they’d not believe you because your abuser has given them a view that they are the good mother and you the bad child. Many children actually internalise this and think they are bad people...it is very sad.

In some cases, if the father works outside the home long hours, an abusive mother can even fool the father into thinking the child is bad. It is very lonely existence for a child in such a situation.

Your childhood sounds terrible sorry if that's a bit blunt . Whether there were some nice parts that you missed out it does sound awful. I would recommend counselling as others have done. I found an excellent counsellor for my husband who has depression- just by searching online . They have counsellors by area and each one has a couple of paragraphs and list their specialisms . The one my husband speaks to is over the telephone because it started in lockdown but there are some you visit if you prefer . Just hope you can get some support whichever way you choose.

I'm sorry you had such a dreadful childhood. You may/may not have been spoilt with material stuff, but so what, you certainly suffered abuse from your mother & your father sounds pretty ineffective at best.

Ignore how people choose to see your upbringing, you're the only one who knows the truth of your mothers awful behaviour.

I'm a little doubtful of you being 'happy' right now, you don't have to pretend, it's ok to say you're not happy/not coping with this from your past.

Childhood trauma IS hard to deal with, especially when it was a parent causing it & got a prolonged period.

Know one thing though - you did NOT deserve any of it 💐

Raccordement - I completely agree with the parent being able to ‘spin’ the narrative as it were.
As for my father, you’re right, she twisted things to him as well. My school friend - let’s call her Kate phones me once. I was 13. Now for context I didn’t like Kate very much at the time - using the term ‘friend’ loosely. I got off the phone and Mum said “ What did Kate want?” I just said “oh nothing”. She then repeated in a stern voice : “What did KATE want?” Now the reason I said oh nothing is absolutely not because I wanted to keep Mum at arm’s length re: the convo or anything it was totally to do with the fact I wasn’t that keen on Kate so I wasn’t paying much attention at all to our conversation! After I left the room I could then hear her saying to Dad “she told me it’s none of my business” - when I’d said nothing of the sort! Dad just replied “she told you it’s none of your business? Oh that’s awful.”

soozlkinzi

That’s ok I don’t mind you being blunt. There were some good parts to my childhood - they revolved around TV, comics and my grandparents.

‘AlmostSummer21*

Thanks for your kind comments and you’re right - my dad was ineffective

OP that’s awful. It sounds like what you shared is the tip of an iceberg. I think it’s very admirable that you’ve survived that sort of abusive childhood and are obviously a kind and caring person who is succeeding in life. You’re doing good to be working on counselling and therapy to process it. It’s hard to do, but will definitely help you in long run.

Once I was 15 and had a friend round - my mum was drunk and next minute - we heard a series of thuds going down the stairs. My
Mum had fallen down the stairs when drunk and had got up screeching and angrily blaming my father!

Raccordement - thank you for your kind words. I’m not having counselling currently- but definitely actively adopting a policy of ‘self care’. And yes it’s the tip of the iceberg!

you can’t reconcile your experience with the narrative because the narrative is false

Thank you. This has been a very helpful comment to me processing the situation

Thanks to everyone who contributed to this thread - your insights have been really helpful. The other aspect in this is that while my mother was behaving like this my Dad always said I was underachieving academically compare to ‘x’ - someone who was a very high flyer academically. This all knocked my confidence to smithereens