To stay in this relationship

[workworkbloodywork]

Long term curtain twitcher, first time posting.

I'm not quite sure how I've ended up here but I need help in figuring out what to you and so thought maybe you ladies are the people to help.

So I have a DS under 12 and a DP who I have a DD with.

When we got together he was amazing with my DS. We spent 18 months living with a relative whilst saving for a house and this property allowed for evenings playing football in the garden and time was spent together.

We bought our first house together and although he changed slightly in being precious about hands touching walls, all remained mostly well, we had a much smaller garden and so the football playing stopped.

I then had DD and as my DS has matured the relationship has gone south.
They rarely have a nice word pass between them.

Reasons for this are as my DS has grown he has developed a strong feeling of protection for his DF who is utterly bloody useless. Pays no Maintenance, refused to see his DS over most of Covid, doesn't help out anytime. My DP is exasperated at the ex DP total lack of responsibility towards his son.
I have to add that he never wants to see my DS go without and will often taken to get new shoes if his are scruffy or worn out. Will get thoughtful gifts of personalised football boots and so on. He feels that my ex DO takes advantage of me and gets annoyed at me not causing more of a fuss.
My reasoning for this is that I don't desperately need the money, I grew up with split parenting and hated feeling being in the middle of them arguing or projecting their feelings onto me.
So now there is this complete resentment from both DP and DS towards each other. There isn't even civility anymore, just constant arguing making me feel like a referee.

As a DP this man is caring, loyal, helpful, an outstanding father to our DD, would do anything I asked of him.

I don't see how I can continue on in this relationship with the way that their relationship is though. So ladies.... wtf do I do here?

For the ultimatum to work, you must never comment negatively about your ex. No venting to DP, nothing.

You say
As a DP this man is caring, loyal, helpful, an outstanding father to our DD, would do anything I asked of him.

So if you ask him to never comment on your ex ever again, he will agree - right?

I don’t get how your dp can be angry with your son because his father is a waste of space. That’s really not fair.

My ex doesn’t pay maintenance and rarely sees the children but when they say positive things about him I bite my tongue. Any grown adult knows that’s the best thing to do.

If your partner is refusing to listen I don’t see what you can do.

I think the teenage years and step parenting are fairly awful in my experience. The kids have needed a lot of space and boundaries. It's taken us 6 years to reach some sort of equilibrium.

Slightly different perspective. I have a 12 year old with my husband, our oldest, been together all his life. Both DH and our nearly teen are really struggling to find balance in their relationship. Ds wants more independence, he is bloody cheeky and rude- more so than ever before. DH expects him to be like he was in primary, this sweet little boy with no mood or opinions. So if turned into a referee.

I have sympathy with your DP and have similarities with my set up. DS is a teenager and idolises his abusive dad. He's 17 with possible ASD and doesn't seem to be showing any sign of changing his view. DP quietly does a lot for DS, even though DS hates him, and I know, if the chips were down and DS needed help who he would ask it from. The difference is that DP keeps quiet about how he feels.

The teenage years are going to be incredibly tough, so I'd recommend you try some therapy of some sort. I wouldn't jack it all in now. You'll need to agree a consistent approach from both of you, so maybe chasing the maintenance could be your side of the bargain. I doubt that all DS's costs and needs fall to you alone, he will be taking on some of these.

It’s no excuse that DP hasn’t experienced divorce to be able to empathise with DS.

If your do pipes down I reckon the next year or two might be when your son realises what a waste of space his dad is. Happened with mine, kids aren't stupid.