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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ban people from kissing my baby?

42 replies

BertiesMangos · 23/08/2021 13:32

My baby is 6 weeks old and I originally was being fairly relaxed when friends and family came to hold him.

But MIL has just been to visit and kissed him - leaving a glossy red lipstick patch all over his eyelid. She apologised and roughly brushed it off, laughing that she meant to get his forehead but must have missed.

I really didn't like it and would now like to say something upfront for future visitors - but my DH thinks this would be unreasonable as he thinks other people aren't likely to try to kiss baby anyway, and that 'there is nothing particularly harmful in a little bit of lipstick anyway'.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
doingnothing · 24/08/2021 10:31

what do you think lipstick is going to do to your baby? Genuine question

SeoultoSeoul · 24/08/2021 12:12

Well as someone who nearly lost DD to Herpes Simplex (cold sore virus) YANBU. Unfortunately the virus is also airborne so there is no guarantee that "not kissing" is enough. I think the answer is for anyone who has a cold sore to stay the fuck out of your house, and if that's impossible, wear a mask.
We were told if she did recover she could be blind and have brain damage, luckily she escaped either.

Mybalconyiscracking · 24/08/2021 12:15

It’s lipstick, not prussic acid. Wait 8 months until Baba is crawling and decided to wear catfood or eat snails. There is a good chance that you will want Grandma inside them for a bit of childcare ?

Monday26July · 24/08/2021 12:20

YANBU :)

Of course it's acceptable not to want people kissing your tiny baby. MN is really odd about this and thinks it's overly precious not to want people kissing or touching your child.

I decided on a similar 'rule', nobody was allowed to kiss my baby for the first few months, and I didn't tolerate strangers coming up and touching him in shops either. It's just a basic boundary imo, you don't touch or kiss someone else's baby unless the parents are fine with it.

It's normal to want to protect your small baby from people's germs, I was really hot on this when he was tiny but by the time he was four or five months old and I felt his immune system was stronger I was fine with it and conveyed that to family. Kissing is a really intimate thing to me, DH and I kissed him all the time but anyone else would have felt really strange to us.

Don't stress about it, let it be known to people that you're not okay with anyone kissing him just yet and that you'll say when you are. Enjoy your baby. There's a thread of competitive coolness/blaseness through some of MN where people act like they couldn't care less if total strangers come over and snog their newborn and call you precious if you're not okay with it, but in the real world it's very normal and accepted for parents not to want this happening.

PierretheBear · 24/08/2021 12:34

I've never kissed anyone else's baby...

TakeYourFinalPosition · 24/08/2021 13:13

My midwife reminds me every time I see her that kissing babies is not advisable and we might need to remind grandparents etc, as it’s changed since they had their babies. It can spread things like cold sores which are pretty dangerous for babies.

It’s your baby and your call, just do the same for everyone.

I’m a lipstick wearer. I’ll kiss my baby. We’ll probably ask others not to, until they’re a bit bigger… but anyway, I don’t tend to kiss other people’s babies, and I wouldn’t with glossy lipstick on.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 24/08/2021 13:13

@Howshouldibehave

You’re happy for people to transfer germs to your baby by kissing them, but you aren’t happy with them if they do it wearing lipstick?
I agree with @Howshouldibehave, @BertiesMangos - there is no difference between a kiss with lipstick and one without, as far as potential bacteria transfer is concerned.

It is perfectly normal to worry about things when you have children - I know I worried about so many things - and still do, even though they are now all in their 20s, have degrees and jobs, and one is getting married next year! The things you worry about change, but you still worry. What matters is trying to make sure that your worries don't spoil your experience of being a mum, or have a negative impact on your child.

I have anxiety along with depression and poor self esteem, and I know how hard it is, when a worry takes hold of you - it can grow out of all proportion, and be really hard to deal with. I have had to learn how to cut my anxieties back down to their real size, so I can see them in proportion. I think that talking about your worries, as you have here, is the best first step in taking control of them.

I think it helps if you can think logically about the potential risks of people kissing the baby - yes, people have bacteria in and around their mouths, but if the baby is fit and healthy, it is very unlikely that they would catch anything from that bacteria - in fact, exposure to bacteria can boost their immune systems - and I've never heard of a baby being seriously ill after being kissed (excluding cold sores - anyone with a cold sore would get a hard No from me, if they wanted to kiss the baby).

Generally speaking, babies are a lot tougher than we think - I definitely found I was more relaxed about dirt and germs with my second and third babies than with the first. Looking back, it was clearest when I think about their dummies. If ds1 dropped his, it got washed in hot, soapy water and sterilised before he got it back. When ds2 dropped his, it got washed in hot water, and given back. With ds3, I licked it and gave it back.

I don't want to come over as if I'm lecturing you - but as I said, if you let your anxieties rule your life, it could make you enjoy motherhood less. There will always be things to worry about - I used to fret that, because I wasn't particularly good at getting drawing and art stuff out for the dses to use, that this would ruin their whole education, and I'd failed them. I expressed this fear to ds1's Reception teacher, and she very kindly did not laugh at me, but reassured me that he would be fine - and she was right.

Looking back, it is easy to see how groundless my worries were - but it can be very hard indeed to do that at the time. I was very good indeed at finding something new to worry about, as soon as I got one anxiety under control - and I'd hate to think of you going through that like I did.

Newuser82 · 24/08/2021 14:43

@Acrasia

I wish someone had banned people from kissing me as a baby. I ended up in hospital because someone kissed me with an active cold sore and because my DM doesn’t get cold sores I could have died. It also means that I can get cold sores anywhere on the left hand side of my face, and in recent years I have frequently had them on my eyelids, which is quite stressful because if they spread to the eye itself I could go blind in that eye. I know a lot of people will say you’re over reacting, but so really wish my Mum had too.
I didn’t let anyone except myself and my husband kiss either of our children when they were babies for this exact reason.
twinningatlife · 24/08/2021 14:49

Sorry OP it's totally OTT unless you know them to have cold sores - this sounds like a massive case of PFB

StrawBeretMoose · 24/08/2021 14:50

I've never kissed my baby nieces, my sisters don't allow anyone to kiss them and I absolutely respect that.
The health visitors advised them not to allow adults to kiss the babies so we don't.
Doesn't mean anyone loves them less or that the bond isn't there.
It is a blanket ban for all so no one takes offence. Well one auntie has but it's not her children and not her choice.

Mayhemmumma · 24/08/2021 14:53

She didn't mean to kiss his eye! She won't repeat it!

With covid people aren't doing so much kissing are they? i think this will be a non issue but it would be really precious to tell people not to - I know your baby is very precious but it'll come across badly and embarrass your other half.

loafcake · 24/08/2021 14:55

YANBU at all, this is one of those things people will say grandparents are entitled to. But in reality it can be very harmful if they happen to pass on an illness or they have cold sores and pass that on also. Over 6 weeks or not.

To top it off, who would want a greasy red lipstick patch on their own face, let alone a small baby's.

I put a total ban on my first daughter being kissed, still in effect at almost two years later. And I will be doing the same for my next baby due in March.

If this is something you want to do, you have every right to tell those around you not to kiss the baby. If they don't like it, tough!

KarmaStar · 24/08/2021 15:08

Relax,no harm done.don't make this more than it is.If you take that stance your mil will know why and be rightly upset.This will cause bad feeling all round.Do you really want to start trouble over a slight mishap?

Pigeonpocket · 24/08/2021 17:22

I banned people from kissing my dd as a newborn. But not because of lipstick, but herpes. There were posters all over the postnatal ward about it.

GintyMcGinty · 24/08/2021 17:25

Let Granny kiss her grandchild.

What has the world come to.

BabyLeaf · 24/08/2021 17:32

@GintyMcGinty

Let Granny kiss her grandchild.

What has the world come to.

Not her child.
doadeer · 24/08/2021 17:33

Honestly not a big deal. Most people won't kiss your baby anyway. I wouldnt give it another thought

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