To tell DC the truth

[MahMahMahMahCorona]

I have often turned to MN regarding how to "manage" my parallel parenting 'relationship' with XH / our DC.

XH's father died over the weekend.

The relationship XH (only son) & his DF had was very poor: I met him about 5 times in a decade, he was belligerent, confrontational, cruel, generally sought to harm / intimidate others - particularly his children / his XW. Years ago (10?), before XH chose to terminate all relations with his DF, a phone call would often end up with XH in tears / hanging up. Lengthy emails, letters in the post - degrading, denigrating, bullying - not a very kind man. Sadly XH has subconsciously exhibited many of these behaviours hence X / very tricky relationship with our own DC. Not a good role model.

XH has sent an email to me to let me know. "DF died. I don't propose to tell DC - they never met him."

AIBU to explain to DC that their DGF has passed, that their DF is grieving and does not want to discuss it at this time, but that he may do in the future? I feel that absolutely, this is his news to share, however why share it with me if he isn't intending to share with DC? Rock and hard place come to mind. Secrecy, suppression of emotions, never talking openly about circumstances, communication - all of this added to the demise of our marriage and I've been trying to steer the DC away from this type of behaviour.

I presume he told you because you had met him/did know him & because of your relationship.

I told my significant ex's when my Dad died, both sent flowers/cards & rang me etc even though neither had been in touch with me for a long time.

How old are your children?
What have they been told about their family on ExH's side?

I feel for your ExH, I think it's probably even harder to lose a parent when your relationship is like this than when your relationship is good.

I'd leave it tbh, let him tell them if he wants to, they didn't have any relationship with GF anyway

Thanks @AlmostSummer21 - yes that would make sense given I met him a few times. He refused to come to our wedding because we had invited his XW so you can imagine it wasn't much of a relationship.

I should like to send a card and ideally, get the DC11 and DC9 to make something card-like for him.

They know their DGF, and have met their aunts / uncles, but like I say, communication on their DF side is very poor so I they don't really have much information about their DF's DF.

Without going into too much emotional / psychological speculation, I too feel for XH - the loss of his DF will be very bitter sweet. Being totally honest I wish it would impact XH enough to really think long and hard about his own relationship with his own DC, but I cannot simply expect that to happen. According to XMIL it didn't happen when his own DF passed away. The inherent behaviours (attachment issues / emotional detachment / lack of empathy) have been difficult to break through, even in DC11...

I think you should just do what your ex has asked. You really don't want to put more on his plate, and he has reached out to specifically ask this. Maybe he will address this in time with dc but that needs to he his call.

What benefit would there be to telling the children?

@MahMahMahMahCorona

Thanks *@AlmostSummer21* - yes that would make sense given I met him a few times. He refused to come to our wedding because we had invited his XW so you can imagine it wasn't much of a relationship.

I should like to send a card and ideally, get the DC11 and DC9 to make something card-like for him.

They know their DGF, and have met their aunts / uncles, but like I say, communication on their DF side is very poor so I they don't really have much information about their DF's DF.

Without going into too much emotional / psychological speculation, I too feel for XH - the loss of his DF will be very bitter sweet. Being totally honest I wish it would impact XH enough to really think long and hard about his own relationship with his own DC, but I cannot simply expect that to happen. According to XMIL it didn't happen when his own DF passed away. The inherent behaviours (attachment issues / emotional detachment / lack of empathy) have been difficult to break through, even in DC11...

I meant they know their DGM.

@DysmalRadius

What benefit would there be to telling the children?

Their maternal DGF, my father, was taken very ill a couple of weeks ago, so they are aware that both of their DGF were in hospital at the same time. My dad is now out and better. Closure, I guess, might be healthy right now.

I don't see what good could come out of telling them. They've never met him, it's irrelevant to them. And it's not your news to share. I'm sure your ex will tell them in due time.

@Confused102

I think you should just do what your ex has asked. You really don't want to put more on his plate, and he has reached out to specifically ask this. Maybe he will address this in time with dc but that needs to he his call.

Thank you - I get that this is his call. I just find it sad that this isn't something he wants to share with DC. I know they would want to speak with him and tell him they're thinking about him. He doesn't really have anyone else.

He has asked you not to say anything. I think you should respect that and let him talk to them about it at a later date, if and when he chooses to.

Thanks @AryaStarkWolf and @Urghhhhh - really helpful. I agree it isn't my news to share with them and I shall respect his decision not to let them know.

@MahMahMahMahCorona, he's grieving and processing lots of mixed emotions. If you tell the kids you're putting one more thing on his plate. Now he has to manage the kids' emotions too, carefully curate the story he tells them about grandpa, maybe answer difficult questions, maybe confort them. I wouldn't want to deal with all that right now if I were in his shoes. Not telling them would be the kind thing to do.

Thank you @grapewine, and @Urghhhhh again - you're right. It's extremely helpful to have your help. We shall carry on with our day / week and the DC will learn about their paternal DGF when their DF is ready to share.

Give him a week at least and then gently nudge him if he still hasn't told them.

If your DC never met him then there is really no reason to tell your DC (other than to actively antagonise your XH)

I think you need to keep out of this. It’s not your news to tell. If they didn’t know him it’s not going to make any difference to him. It would also be inappropriate for your children to make cards etc under the circumstances. Unless you have had this kind of relationship with a parent you can’t make assumptions about how one should act or feel. What struck me is that you want to tell your child their father is grieving and may want to discuss it in the future. He clearly doesn’t plan to do that, his grief may not even feel like grief to him, more relief. I appreciate you are steering your children away from secrecy etc but in this circumstance you need to respect your ex husbands wishes and not try and influence how he manages the situation even if you can’t relate to it. It’s not the situation to model behaviour you your children