Military Husband Away When Baby is Due

[CheersToTheWe3kend]

Just found out I'm pregnant. Planned baby, very much wanted. Only concern is that my husband is due to be deployed overseas, I can't go with him.

This was an unexpected posting otherwise we would have delayed trying to conceive.

Has anybody been in this situation? Were they allowed home (back to the UK). It is more of a long term exercise than active duty.

My husband isn't getting much direction/reassurance from his superiors that he will be able to return home for induction/labour planned LSCS.

Would I be unreasonable just to schedule a planned LSCS? Its for my 1st baby and I am in a position where I could have some clout if I wanted an elective LSCS despite the risks!

I have no e presence of the military but I’m guessing many babies are born without the father present as they are posted away from home. It’s part and parcel of the life surely?

*experience

Sorry OP, but I would be very surprised if your husband was allowed home for this.

I'm not sure about military rules by my DP works away and when we started ttc it was a risk we took.
My DP actually did end up getting away early but still didn't make the birth, I did it alone a few months ago. Honestly, it was absolutely fine. I had prepared myself as much as I could for the possibility of doing it myself so when the time came it didn't feel so daunting (although I was of course terrified about giving birth but I'd have been the same regardless of if he was there or not). I was induced but it all went well.

I would be surprised if he was allowed home, I think you need to start preparing for the possibility of either being alone, or having someone else you'd like with you.

For an ELCS, I don't think they're allowed to refuse a request for one (although I could be wrong) but you do need to find a consultant to agree and I think you would have a hard time convincing them that the risks of a C-Section outweigh the risk of your partner not being there. To be honest, if that's your only reason for wanting one, I wouldn't, they carry more risks and a longer recovery time. Even if your DH was home for the ELCS, would you be able to guarantee that he would be home long enough for you to fully recover from the section?
Obviously there's recovery with any birth and there's always a chance it could end in a section anyway but having seen my experience of recovery after a natural birth compared to my friends/family's sections, the recovery time I would say on the most part is definitely longer, sometimes up to/longer than a month.

I hope you manage to get some answers but I do think you need to prepare for the thought of him being away and if he does end up being home, then that's a bonus

Is it a deployment or a posting (assignment)? The two have very different rules.

Thank you everyone. It is a deployment, not 'active' duty more of a long term exercise.

Part of me does feel like it doesn't matter when we try, there may always be a something that pops up!!

Have I understood correctly that your question is very much focused around the birth?

I certainly wouldn't be putting my body through unnecessary surgery for the sole purpose of attempting to increase the chance that my husband could be present for the birth. Recovery from a low risk vaginal birth is usually significantly easier than that from a low risk caesarean birth (remember that even in a non-emergency section they are still cutting through your entire abdominal wall, many women struggle even to lift the baby for several days after that because the muscles have obviously been sliced right through) - recovery from a difficult vaginal delivery or emergency caesarean section can both obviously be much worse!

No doctor will induce you on a particular date unless for good medical reason so that wouldn't be a way of planning the birth - and even if it was, induction is unpredictable and can take several days so even if he got there on the day you were induced (if they'd agree to induce you on a specific day of your choosing, which they won't) he might spend half his paternity leave waiting for you to go into labour (and at the moment he wouldn't be allowed to stay with you on the ward until you were in established labour, due to COVID). My friend finally gave birth five days after her induction began

If you somehow managed to convince them to book you in for an elective section then your chances of actually having it on that date are reduced by the fact that you'll be bumped down the list for emergency sections. But as above, I wouldn't choose a section just so he could be there, that'd be a massive toll to put on your body. (As an aside, I'd also be more than a bit if I discovered someone "with clout" had managed to bypass the rules that apply to the rest of us.)

I think your best bet is to plan for a vaginal birth if possible and accept you'll probably need a different birthing partner. Hopefully you'll have an easy, uncomplicated delivery (I was home slightly over 24hrs after labour began and up and about immediately) and can get settled in at home before he arrives to enjoy paternity leave with you if he gets that?

Unfortunately I would assume things like this are just part and parcel of forces life. My husband is a medic, not forces but I'm not a stranger to a career affecting home life in significant ways - bye bye being together on our significant anniversary earlier this year as he was rota'd on that weekend etc. Arguably though the early months are the least important when it comes to building a relationship with a baby, as long as they form a strong attachment to a primary caregiver they are easily able to form other attachments later on.

If it’s an exercise there will be a chance that he will be allowed home around the time of your due date. You need to talk to Welfare.

I'm a pad brat and my dad was on exercise when I was born. Obviously in the days before mobiles but the call got to him, he was informed and allowed to travel home.

If it's a deployment possibly not. How far away is it and how long for? Also depends on the work being done I imagine.

I agree with PP, I wouldn't put myself through unnecessary surgery in this situation.

Do you have a family member or close friend you can rely on to be your birth partner?

Which service OP?

Depending on the length of DeployedUser he will be entitled to R&R which he can request be around the time of your due date, he might also be entitled to two weeks paternity leave after the baby is born. Babies don’t come to schedule though. My husband wasn’t present at the birth of my twins (ECS a few weeks earlier than expected) so was still on exercise. I would plan to have a best friend or family member as your birth partner and if your DH is available too that will be a bonus. Good luck OP and congratulations on your pregnancy.

Don't put yourself though unnecessary surgery. Have a standby birth partner and concentrate on your health
My dsis's dh was uncontactable as he was out on exercise when their first was born, so he didn't even know he had a child until they were weeks old, he then had to wait for a military flight home, so baby was a month old before meeting dad. From what I understand, they allow the fathers home when they can after the baby is born, but priority is / was given to married men.
Second child they were luckier, she went into labour the day before he was due back out, so he was allowed to stay.
Its tough being a military wife. No one else will understand what it's like to have the father of your children deployed for 3 months with little or sketchy contact. Its no good people telling you that this is what you sign up for.

DH was in Afghanistan when DD2 was born. He got home two weeks later. Her birth was toasted by his entire team having alcohol free beer, pizza and cigars.

He did better with DD1... he left for several months when she was a few days old.

Of the two... missing the birth and having post-op leave was better. He got to spend a lot of time with her in the first few months.

It is part of military life. You can never plan anything with certainty and just go with the flow.

Thank you for everyone's really kind replies. I was worried I'd get absolutely blasted! Lots to think about and here's to 'going with the flow!' 🥂

A friend’s husband is on the new aircraft carrier which is currently doing its world tour. He is allowed to fly home for her due date, but of course if she goes early he is likely to miss it.

FWIW I had an EMCS and my recovery was a lot better than a friend who had a traumatic vaginal birth two weeks earlier. Six months on she’s waiting on surgery to have her ladygarden mended, and I’m regularly hiking 6 miles carrying my baby. It really can go either way.