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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I crazy to be upset over my boyfriend taking drinking too far?

44 replies

Villager123 · 23/08/2021 01:24

Hi all. I’ve been with my current partner for 2 years now on and off and we are constantly settling and then bringing back up the same issues. My boyfriend lies quite a lot. Smalls things like where he is, who he is with, small details about his day, etc. Whenever I pull him on these lies he always has an excuse. I forgive and forget each time. He also has a problem with drinking. He doesn’t drink regularly but when he does he always takes it too far. I don’t enjoy drinking and he is aware of that but if I ever go to the pub with him to watch a game etc he will buy me drinks and whine until I drink them. I rarely refuse because I get afraid that he will cause a scene. He is unable to go out for a few and come home. Once after we returned from the pub he walked out of the house without telling me to go back. He pretends he hasn’t organized to go out with his friends and is just going by himself but always ends up at a random house party afterwards. He always promises the next day that he’s going to “give up the drink” but two weekends later he will find an excuse to hit the pub again. Am I crazy to get upset over him taking drinking too far? I understand he is a young man that wants to enjoy himself but the combination of lies and broken promises upset me. We live together (in my house) and he is currently unfit to work due to an injury, so I feel like breaking up with him isn’t an option (though deep down I know it is..) because he will have nowhere to go and that it’s my responsibility to look after him.
Any advice is really appreciated, though I can already sense what most will say.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2021 01:32

My boyfriend lies quite a lot.

I could have stopped reading right there. Why on earth do you tolerate this bullshit? He's a compulsive liar and you will never be able to trust him, and he will never change.

Do yourself the biggest favour of your life and get rid of him. Please raise your standards.

DerAlteMann · 23/08/2021 01:34

He's a loser. Dump him now while it's fairly easy to do so. You will never be No 1 in his life. Booze has that position.

romdowa · 23/08/2021 01:34

Imo you are crazy to be with him. He sounds vile 😳

DerAlteMann · 23/08/2021 01:35

Oh BTW he's a grown man. It is not your responsibility to look after him.

FetchezLaVache · 23/08/2021 01:40

^What Aquamarine said^

I think people who lie about the small things are dangerous, because there's no point in lying about those things, pointing to an ingrained sense of dishonesty and total lack of respect for the truth.

But then we come to the rest of it.

He is coercively forcing you to drink alcohol you don't want by making you fear his response if you refuse. That's fucking nasty.

And to top it all off, he's not working! So, whose money actually pays for the booze?

Come on, OP, you know as well as I do he's a useless cocklodger and you are damn right that it's not your responsibility to look after him.

Unanananana · 23/08/2021 06:23

Lies, drinks too much and tries to force you to drink, doesn't work, lives probably for free in your house. I bet he does zero housework and I bet probably doesn't drive?

Sounds like a charmer. What exactly is attractive about him?

IDontLikeZombies · 23/08/2021 06:27

15 years ago I had the same concerns about my OH. (Minus the coercing me to drink, he at least didn't do that).
I swept it all under the carpet and married him and had kids with him.
I had a long, emotionally difficult marriage. We're in the process of separating which as you can imagine is not at all easy with a liar and a drunk. I'm tired, miserable and sometimes I'm frightened of him.

Mybalconyiscracking · 23/08/2021 06:30

There are lots of lovely, kind, honest men out there, go and find one OP!

IDontLikeZombies · 23/08/2021 06:33

Also you don't need to "look after" him.
To be very blunt, if he is incapable of caring for himself to that degree its unethical for you to be in a sexual relationship with him in the first place.

It is so hard living with people like this, they wreck your head but when you lay it out like this, take it right to the logical conclusion you start to see the truth.

Shoxfordian · 23/08/2021 06:38

He lies to you, he manipulates you into drinking, doubt he pays rent

Tell him to get out of your house

SmileyClare · 23/08/2021 06:39

Oh dear. You've landed yourself a cock lodger with an alcohol problem.

What's his injury that prevents him working but allows him to party all night?

MakeMeCleanTheHouse · 23/08/2021 06:42

You need to break up with him. He will not change and you will find yourself feeling obliged to look after him, miserable, until he has an affair or really demonstrates that if the situtation was reversed (you unable to work) you wouldn't be able to rely on him. He is never going to change and you are enabling him not to

Put yourself first and ask him to leave.

SavoyCabbage · 23/08/2021 07:03

Just move on. You aren't married and you don't have children and he lies to you, spends all his money on drinking and seems to prefer a completely different life from the one you want.

As my mam once said to me 'pick a better one'.

What do you you like to do?

SmileyClare · 23/08/2021 07:20

He'll have nowhere to live

If he's medically unfit to work then he's entitled to benefits and will be awarded temporary housing or his rent paid for.

I'm afraid he'll cause a scene Massive red flag the size of a king size bedsheet there. You're being manipulated. He's behaving like a toddler to get his own way. Yuk how pathetic.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 23/08/2021 07:33

As I think you expected, here’s an overwhelming voice from MN telling you what you already knew. You are not responsible for him and he treats you like sh*t.

It won’t be nice or necessarily easy but seriously, start the process TODAY, the sooner you start, the quicker it’s done.

SavoyCabbage · 23/08/2021 07:48

it’s my responsibility to look after him.
It definitely isn't. He is a grown man.

Howshouldibehave · 23/08/2021 07:51

Wow, what a catch

I’d be asking him to leave your house today.

NancyPickford · 23/08/2021 08:07

Chuck him out. He can go and doss at one of his drinking buddies’ house. I think the lies are worse than the drink, though it’s a close run thing.

Waspsarearseholes · 23/08/2021 08:23

What's the point of him? What's he for?

AllAroundTheWorldYeah · 23/08/2021 08:44

You're just not compatible. He wants to drink and party and you don't want him to, so he lies to do what he wants. He wants a partner who drinks so he whines when you don't.

Stop trying to force this relationship to work when it's clearly doomed. Go find yourself a sober partner and let him find a partying one!

DomPom47 · 23/08/2021 08:57

Why is breaking up not an option?

Bubbles1st · 23/08/2021 09:00

I had a boyfriend like this, unfortunately for me he turned into an alcoholic ex husband....

If only he had become and ex boyfriend before my life became much harder and sadder than it needed to be.
Put yourself first because he definitely isn't.

Wombat64 · 23/08/2021 09:00

He is not your project or your responsibility to fix. Sounds like coercion.

Definitely do not have kids with him.

tigerbreadandtea · 23/08/2021 09:03

Raise your standards OP. You only get one life and your partner should make you happy, not bring you down.

Frazzledd · 23/08/2021 09:05

It's concerning that your scared of his reaction if you refuse a drink, what does the thought of breaking up with him feel like? What do you imagine happening?