AIBU to have no idea how to handle this?

[allthegoodusersaretaken]

I'm sure there's somewhere better to post this but putting it in AIBU for traffic.

I have 2 DDs, ages 16 & 14. 14yo is stronger than her sister (this is relevant). They've never got on well due to personality clashes and also 16yo has mild ASD so needs to be treated differently in some ways. However, over the past few weeks it's just got so much worse. DD2 seems to have a problem with DD1's very existence, and frequently assaults her (DD1 usually doesn't fight back, and she's not strong enough anyway). Yesterday DD2 actually threatened to kill her - she wouldn't actually go through with it but DD1 takes stuff like that literally. She doesn't respond to discipline and if we try she often assaults us and says she'll kill us too (again, she wouldn't, but it's the principle).

I love DD2 very much, but things can't go on like this. I'm really not sure how to handle it. Has anyone resolved something similar and have any advice??

Anyone??

You are going to need to put a stop to this. What your DD1 is experiencing is domestic violence and abuse.

What consequences has DD2 had? She needs consequences serious enough to prevent her ever doing it again.

And she needs to know her actions are abusive and criminal

For a 14 year old to be this angry and frustrated there must be lots going on. Does she properly understand her sister's condition and why she is treated differently or does she feel excluded or treated more harshly?
Is it possible she has her own issues around controlling her emotions?
Has she just become more aware of the differences in the way you treat them both with little understanding as to why?
Violence isn't the answer and I'm sure she knows that but if her feelings are overwhelming she will lash out...
Does she get any support - there are groups which help siblings of children with extra needs - and it sounds like she needs an outlet outside the immediate family to begin to recognise and learn to deal with her own feelings....
I'm sorry, it sounds really hard for you all.

@notsorighteousthesedays

For a 14 year old to be this angry and frustrated there must be lots going on. Does she properly understand her sister's condition and why she is treated differently or does she feel excluded or treated more harshly? Is it possible she has her own issues around controlling her emotions? Has she just become more aware of the differences in the way you treat them both with little understanding as to why? Violence isn't the answer and I'm sure she knows that but if her feelings are overwhelming she will lash out... Does she get any support - there are groups which help siblings of children with extra needs - and it sounds like she needs an outlet outside the immediate family to begin to recognise and learn to deal with her own feelings.... I'm sorry, it sounds really hard for you all.

That is all of secondary relevance

The abusive behaviour has to stop

then any needs the DD2 has can be looked into

But she is violent and abusive.

It may be that they can't live together in the same house

Where is DD2's father? If you are separated, then she should go to him. If not, maybe she and her father could move out together for a while

And actually, no, I would not say she must have a lot going on

Maybe, maybe not

some abusers are just, you know - abusive, full stop

My sister is 3 years younger than me, was physically bigger than me and this was my childhood.

Although she wouldn't have dared speak to parents like that.

I'd take a 2 pronged approach. Ask her what is making her so irrational and angry and say you're willing to support her but that the level of violence and threats is absolutely unacceptable and it won't be tolerated.

Has she had to take a backseat at times due to your dds asd? Are there any young carers groups she could join?

Does she get enough exercise? Could the 2 of you start doing a walk or cycle or something together each day. Help her learn to manage her emotions and time alone where she can chat if she needs to.

Actually, I'd look at contacting social services. DD1 is experiencing domestic abuse as are you. It feels like this is more than teenage moods. Have you looked at Borderline Personalty Disorder?

You need support with this. Don't be ashamed. I've gone through something similar and definitely tried to hide it from others and minimise it, but eventually, it came to light with external agencies and they were brilliant. The child involved had emotional issues and the destructive and aggressive behaviour had got to be a habit. The external involvement made them understand that the behaviour was completely unacceptable and within their control. It was a difficult time to be sure, but well worth going through the process to change the family dynamic.

@Twillow

Actually, I'd look at contacting social services. DD1 is experiencing domestic abuse as are you. It feels like this is more than teenage moods. Have you looked at Borderline Personalty Disorder?

You need support with this. Don't be ashamed. I've gone through something similar and definitely tried to hide it from others and minimise it, but eventually, it came to light with external agencies and they were brilliant. The child involved had emotional issues and the destructive and aggressive behaviour had got to be a habit. The external involvement made them understand that the behaviour was completely unacceptable and within their control. It was a difficult time to be sure, but well worth going through the process to change the family dynamic.

social services are another option, but it might be quite slow, and I think the DD2 needs to be moved out of reach of DD1 today

Agreed with PPs. First and urgent step is get the abusive daughter (safely) out of the way of the other people involved - it is unfair and unsafe to allow your other daughter to be the subject of domestic abuse, nor should you be.

Some info here, including helplines and next steps:

whosincharge.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/WIC-Addressing-Child-to-Parent-Violence-and-Abuse-Information-to-help-parents-V1-2020-3.pdf