Bridesmaid being fussy - should I say something?

[awkwardusername]

My friend is having 5 bridesmaids for her wedding next year, I am one and I’m friendly with one, don’t know two at all and vaguely know one.

When talking about dresses etc, we’re all wearing the same colour but a different style and one of the bridesmaids (let’s call her Brenda - the bridesmaid I vaguely know) has repeatedly said “I’m not wearing that colour”’etc about several different options. The bride has changed her mind a couple of times based on this. Brenda has done the same thing about hair styles (“I’m not putting anything like that in my hair”) and isn’t listening to budgeting re: hen do.

I’ve tried to say “well it’s your day, we’ll do/wear/act however you want us to!” to try and get a hint across but Brenda just laughed it off.

None of the other bridesmaids know her at all, and the bride is now telling me it’s stressing her out, but that she doesn’t want to say anything in case she looks like a bridezilla; do I need to say something to Brenda? Obviously I’d be as nice as possible about it but I’m not sure if I’m involving myself where I don’t need to, or if the bride would appreciate it!

You sound like a very good friend. I would say something yes.

Why would you need to get involved when you barely know her? It's not your place to say anything. Brenda does sound like a pain in the arse but it's up to the bride to either put up with her ruining everything or to tell her she can no longer be a bridesmaid if she isn't willing to do the same as the other bridesmaids by wearing the dress, having the hairstyle, attending the budget hen do, etc

Not your wedding. Let the bride deal with it.

Why would it be your responsibility to say something, you barely know her. Why doesn't the bride say something? They must be pretty close friends to have asked her to be bridesmaid, so she should be able to speak to her.

If you really feel yo need to speak up, check with the bride first that she doesn't mind. Otherwise you risk making her annoyed as well as Brenda

To be fair I'd be the same as Brenda. I wouldn't want to wear something that I felt a twat in. The difference being though I'd decline the request to be a bride's maid because I know I'd be a right pain the butt, I'll hold my hands up.
She (Brenda) should just step down. I don't think the Bride should be changing her plans and dancing to Brenda's tune.

The bride needs to step up and sort it.

Although I wouldn’t be able to not say something to her along the lines of ‘shut the fuck up and choose a dress’.

FWIW though, ate her concerns genuine? I’m fat and have massive breasts - 36J. I was a bridesmaid a few years ago and the bride kept sending strapless styles and floaty Grecian wrap dresses. I said to her that I either got a dress with full coverage or stepped down as I wasn’t spending all day in a dress that didn’t fit. If it’s along those lines I think it’s reasonable to discuss but it sounds like Brenda is difficult.

It's really down to the bride. You might say something and she then kicks up a fuss to the bride about you being mean to her and is still as demanding and if the bride wasn't willing to speak up to start with, she still won't and the situation will be even more difficult.

Time to ditch brenda

@Merryoldgoat

The bride needs to step up and sort it.

Although I wouldn’t be able to not say something to her along the lines of ‘shut the fuck up and choose a dress’.

FWIW though, ate her concerns genuine? I’m fat and have massive breasts - 36J. I was a bridesmaid a few years ago and the bride kept sending strapless styles and floaty Grecian wrap dresses. I said to her that I either got a dress with full coverage or stepped down as I wasn’t spending all day in a dress that didn’t fit. If it’s along those lines I think it’s reasonable to discuss but it sounds like Brenda is difficult.

I think a couple of her concerns about hair are maybe fair enough - she has very long, thick hair so the styles the bride has mentioned probably won’t work for her (although they won’t work for me either but I’ve kept my gob shut haha!)

In terms of the dress, we’re all picking a style we want from some website, so they’ll all be the same fabric but different styles, it’s the colour Brenda isn’t happy about!

I agree it's primarily the bride's responsibility but as her friend and a fellow BM I think it's nice if you want to help your friend by telling Brenda to stop being a selfish twat as she's stressing out the bride

If you're not sure, you could ask the bride if she wants you to do so then you know you're not acting out of place and can say if challenged that bride has expressed this

I can see how it might be tempting, but it could well make it worse. Just support your friend and remind her it’s her day, not Brenda’s.

I’m a bit torn. I don’t really understand why you all need the same hairdo frankly - not everyone suits the same thing and it’s reasonable not to want to look awful all day.

The colour is subjective I suppose? Lime green? No. Navy? Probably fine.

I’ve been an adult bridesmaid more times than I can count. The bride has generally wanted styles and colours to flatter everyone.

Tell her to sack Brenda. It’s her wedding, nobody is making Brenda be a bridesmaid!

again, I’m mixed race. There are certain colours that are popular for bridesmaids that make me look naked and strange (camel, gold, peach) and I’d refuse to wear that colour. I don’t mind looking ‘not great’ but I won’t voluntarily look ‘fucking awful’ for anyone.

But I’d happily step down rather than impose my preferences.

Is Brenda her SIL to be?

The bride has to deal with it but you can certainly help and back her up.

Who is paying for the dresses?

Can the bridesmaids agree on a colour they're all happy with?

I don't think it's your place to tell Brenda to wind her neck in though, she's the brides friend, she needs to do any firm talking that needs doing!

I think you need to say something to the bride. Tell her to just pick the colour she wants and not to listen to - or ask for - anyone else's opinions. Suggests she tells the bridesmaids the colour as a done deal - they can take it or leave it. And that you will fully support her in that. Tell her that if Brenda kicks off when the colour is announced, you are willing to talk to her privately and point out that it's the bride's day and the bridesmaids need to support her, if the bride would like you to do so.

Brenda needs to recognise whose day it is, and either wear the colour the bride wants, or back out of the role.

I think it's fair to let bridesmaids veto styles that really don't suit their body shape (and this is an option for Brenda), and I'm not a fan of five bridesmaids with the same hairstyle, but come on, the bride gets to choose the colour at least.

please say something, you are an amazing friend by stepping up here and this girl needs to realise it’s not about her.