To think I’ll never get over abusive relationship?

[Takethe]

I was in an abusive relationship for four years, which I left 12 years ago. Since then I’ve been (very happily) single. Had enjoyable flings, FWB etc., but no official relationship.

I met someone two months ago and for the first time agreed to be in an exclusive relationship with him. He’s lovely, I really like him. He knows about the abuse.

I would have said I was fully ‘over’ exBF, but it’s obvious I’m not. Little things, innocuous things, keep triggering me. My new BF is doing nothing wrong, but things remind me of my ex and it makes me panic. I have tried to pre-empt a couple by saying ‘ex used to do this so it freaks me out when it happens’, but BF is understandably getting sick of hearing about it.

AIBU to think I’ll never be 100% ‘normal’ in relationships again? Has anyone been able to overcome the trauma to have a successful relationship?

@Takethe first off well done for having the courage to get out and stay out.
I've been there myself year ago.. Mines about 15 years now and I'm wondering if you've ever had counselling over it?
My ex ended up going to prison for randomly attacking me in the street one morning and I decided it was the final straw. The police were great but they also referred me to a domestic violence counsellor who massively helped me. She explained to me non of it was my fault and really helped me get my head around the whole situation. Tbh I don't think I would of gotten out of it without that.
I still struggle with certain things.. Low self esteem and it took me a long time to trust anyone after that.
I'd see if you can get some counselling because you need to be able to understand and accept what you went through and it's impact on you before you can fully move on.
Theres a great book called 'living with the dominator'.. It's so eye opening and it will help to show you what to watch out for with your current partner.
I think you are probably just trying to protect yourself because it takes a lot to get close to someone after everything you've been through

I don't think you do really, memory exists so we learn, surely, so you remain vigilant. My mum is still triggered by ppl drinling alcohol around her after my alcoholic dad and he's been dead decades. I've been out of my emotionally and financially abusive relationship 3.5yrs and while i'm over 'him', i still doubt my decisionmaking and abilities due to gaslighting.

Well done for getting out.

Honestly, I view it like i view the death of a close loved one. You don't get over it, you are forever changed by it and you just learn to live around it.

At first it's a big painful open wound, messy and so bad you can't think of anything else. Eventually it scabs and the pain feels less, but then when you knock it, it's extremely painful and bleeds everywhere, but heals over quicker. You learn to be aware of it all the time, on some level, as to not knock the scab. You move in a way that avoids knocking it. Avoid situations where it could be easily knocked. Sometimes you even pick at it yourself, I'm your darkest moments.

The trick is to get to the point where there's no scab. There's a scar and it aches some days from the nerve damage. You can see it. You are aware its there, but it's not in your head all the time. Every thought isn't dictated by it. But your attention is drawn to it and you remember the pain, the blood, the long time it took to scab, the times you knocked the scab and the pain resurfaced. But, you know that's not happening now
take a breath and then continue to live with it. Its not part of you.

Thats how I see it. I think there will always be things that trigger me. Or raise my senses, where other people wouldn't blink twice. But I am now at a point where I just need to take some space (not long) and think about it. And decide wether I am right to be concern about what's just happened. Or am I just reacting, due to the memories of the pain.

I don't think getting past it, exists. Maybe it does for some people. But not in my experience. But it doesn't mean we can't have wonderful, full lives (whatever that looks like for us) and continue on.

I have tried to pre-empt a couple by saying ‘ex used to do this so it freaks me out when it happens’, but BF is understandably getting sick of hearing about it.

Are you aware of red flags? Are you certain that you aren’t seeing them with your new BF? I feel like you need to understand your reactions better, so that you can feel confident as to whether you are reacting appropriately or overreacting.

If you want this relationship to work, I think you have to be proactive. LonelyLou suggested counselling and that seems like a good idea.