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Original poster

To be annoyed that a friend told my mum she was concerned for me?

13 replies

Oliv1990 · 22/08/2021 13:18

I recently had a bit of an emotional breakdown after something triggered me into a depressive spiral. I wasn’t great but I spoke to a couple of friends for support. My parents were on holiday so didn’t want to bring them down or worry them. I had a feeling from something my mum messaged me that a friend had told her something was going on. Well I’ve just confirmed it, she messaged her on Facebook. I’m not angry really.. it’s just made me feel uncomfortable and a bit crazy? My friend messaged saying she had come over later at night when I was struggling and she was worried. I get why she did it, I might have done the same. But I had said explicitly I wasn’t telling them while they were away. Just feels like am I crazy? Is it that bad that people I love are discussing me without informing me? My mum hasn’t even mentioned it. But I know she’s worrying and will be until I speak to her about it. And I actually got up today feeling a lot better, lighter and ready to get myself going again. But this has just put a spanner in the works and made me a little on edge. What to do?

OP posts:
randomusernameagain · 22/08/2021 13:25

Honestly, I think it sounds like she had the best intentions if you weren't in a great place. Maybe she felt a bit overwhelmed and thought your Mum could support you better? I can see how you feel your trust has been broken though as you did say you didn't want your parents involved. If she's generally a good friend maybe write this off as her trying to have your best interests at heart in a tricky situation.

Dogoodfeelgood · 22/08/2021 13:34

Your loved ones sharing concern for you doesn’t mean they think you’re crazy. I’ve had friends of friends reach out to me to share concerns about mutual friends and ask what support I could give - the mutual friend in common isn’t someone we consider crazy! It just comes from a place of love. It also sounds like you would normally share things like this with your mum and your friend knew this, so it’s not totally out of order for her to share this with your mum either (whereas if you weren’t close with your mum it would be). I totally understand that you feel a bit put out by it though as it’s never nice to know that people are talking about you, even if their intentions are good. Just wanted to reassure you that the fact that they did, doesn’t mean they think you’re crazy! Just that they want you to have the support you need x

Snaketime · 22/08/2021 13:58

OP, most of that is the depression talking. Your friend was worried about you and felt your parents needed to know. I understand where you are coming from not wanting to worry them while they are on holiday, but a lot of people use reasons like that as an excuse not to tell people. Also imagine if you did hurt yourself and your parents found out your friend knew and didn't tell them.
I get you feel like your friend betrayed your trust and was gossiping about you, but she really wasn't, she did what she felt was best. Maybe try and sit down and talk to her, tell her you know she told your parents and understand why but this is how it has made you feel.
I hope this all passes for you and you feel more like yourself again soon.

Original poster
Oliv1990 · 22/08/2021 14:14

Thank you everyone. Spoke to my mum about it and I feel a lot better. I totally understand where she was coming from and that it is very difficult when a loved one is struggling and you feel out of your depth. A few years ago a close friend of mine tried to take an overdose and I contacted her mum despite knowing she would not have wanted me to, because I felt her mum needed to know to support her but also because I couldn’t look after her alone. Thank you all x

OP posts:
independentfriend · 22/08/2021 14:21

Limit what you share with the person who can't be trusted.

Doesn't matter that she was doing what she thought was right. Good intentions don't nullify the impact, so prevent her from being in a position to do the same thing again.

Find friends who respect your ability to make decisions for yourself.

Tell them what you'd like them to do if they're seriously concerned ie. contact person x/service y and what they mustn't do if they want to retain your friendship.

GoodnightGrandma · 22/08/2021 14:24

She did the right thing.
It might not be what you wanted at the time, but perhaps she felt you weren’t in a position to know what was right.
As a mum I would have wanted to know.

cheesecrackerz · 22/08/2021 14:27

She's a good friend, I wouldn't say she couldn't be trusted

Rightly, she was concerned for you, and felt this needed to be shared with your parents even if you yourself didn't want to worry them

Glad you are feeling better Flowers

PieceOfString · 22/08/2021 14:29

The luxury you have is that you know exactly the depths of your feelings, you know what thoughts are running through your head and aren't. Your friend doesn't. How many times do you see friends and family tying themselves in knots after a suicide asking themselves if they should have done more, let someone know etc etc. I'm sure your friend thought very carefully and was in doubt what to do for the best and has erred in the side of caution. You have a friend who has acted to in your interests out of care and a mum who is trying to be discreet in how she deals with the information. I don't think you should be upset with the friend.

TurquoiseDragon · 22/08/2021 14:30

Given that there was nothing that your parents could have done before they were back from the holiday, I would not be happy with this friend. Contacting them while they were away did nothing other than worry them unnecessarily.

I'd have had no problem with the friend raising concerns once the parents were back home. OP had said that she didn't want to worry the parents while they were away, so if it looked like OP was still not saying anything to her parents once they were back, that's when I''d step in.

I'd limit what you say to this friend in future.

Planty13 · 22/08/2021 14:34

I honestly can’t disagree more with what independentfriend has said.

Mental health is unpredictable and it’s a good thing you have people around you who can pull together to support you. I’ve seen it happen far too many times where people have been in such positions and have done very little or kept their concerns to themselves with devastating consequences.

I am saying this assuming this friend is typically someone you do trust and who knows what your relationship with your parents it like.

GoodnightGrandma · 22/08/2021 14:35

The parents could perhaps have got family to step in if needed.

FlowerArranger · 22/08/2021 14:37

your friend thought very carefully and was in doubt what to do for the best and has erred in the side of caution. You have a friend who has acted to in your interests out of care and a mum who is trying to be discreet in how she deals with the information. I don't think you should be upset with the friend

@Oliv1990 - be glad that there are people in your life who care about you! ! Flowers

Anonymous48 · 22/08/2021 14:37

@Oliv1990
A few years ago a close friend of mine tried to take an overdose and I contacted her mum despite knowing she would not have wanted me to, because I felt her mum needed to know to support her but also because I couldn’t look after her alone.

So you should understand exactly why your friend did what she did.

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