How to build courage to end LTR.. or do i even want that?

[Khallaji]

I am in a long term relationship. I am 24 years old. My first love, however the past few years things have really fizzled out and you could argue we are no more than roomates or friends. We laugh like bestfriends and generally share the same beliefs and values ib life. Things would be perfect if we had a more active sex life i believe. We have sex a few times a year. I believe we are sexually incompatible or just not sexually attracted to eachother.

Anyhow, i can be quite self destructice in my life, neglect friendships and work places and things in general, so i find it hard to decide what i actually want, but what i do know is clearly i do not love this man anymore, i fantasise about going off on my own adventures and meeting new people, friends,lovers again and not having to go home with my boyfriend at the end of the night all the time.

I have low self esteem which has been made worse in the last year or two when we argue or get drunk,if we fight he calls me ugly or fat and makes 'ew' faces. He says hes sorry the next day when i bring it up, and says he just tries to get at me and that he doesnt find me ugly, but it still hurts.

I seek validation from other men, men of any age,i believe i was groomed online as a child and didnt have a father figure present which has led me down different paths, having sex with old men, having messed up fantasies about old men im romantically involved in calling me their little girl and their baby etc.

Obviously due to 'daddy issues' or being groomed sexually at a young age online. I remember being on webcam around 10 years old showing my vagina,i dont know how or why.

Clearly i have so many underlying issues but my main problem is i cannot build the courage to end things. Why dont i respect myself or this man enough to fight for what i want in life and things that make me happy. I dont respect him, which is shown in my actions, for example kissing other men and texting constantly.

I am really sorry this is so all over the place but thats my brain.

I want to adventure again, i want to have fun, we have a fun lifestyle and travel the world together, but sometimes i feel like 'is this it' i dont wanna just be in a serious relationship with the same person forever and he will never break up with me even if he finds out i cheated again because he is very much so in love with me and always has been more than me.. i feel trapped and unaware as to how I stand up for what I want in life.

So sorry..

I’m sorry for what happened to you as a child Khallaji. You were a child and none of it was your fault.

This man does not love you and he sounds emotionally abusive. I would leave him and get counselling.

Please don’t waste your any more years on him. You have so much ahead of you.

You need someone to talk to - a therapist. You aren't bad or wrong. You were abused.

Aside that, fantasising about older people or authority figures is a thing. Even people who haven't been abused do it. So don't beat yourself up.

Just say goodbye to the boyfriend. You know the relationship is over. Let it go. Then, you can flirt, text, kiss and do what the heck you like without having to feel bad.

This is such a sad poat.
The amazing news is you clearly have a lot of self insight so you are more than halfway there a lot further down the road to healing than maybe you feel.
I wont say what you should do because i think you know in your heart you should end it.
Your relationship is a symptom of your trauma and i think your efforts should be turned inwards (ie focus on yourself) as your self esteem improces you will find it easier to see the wood from the trees.
To avoid all doubt this man will not make a good husband or father. He is not kind. He is abusive and if you seek happiness and a good life he cannot offer you a future.

Very practically:

• focus on trying to make good life choices (eg this time next year will this have made my life better/made me happier/healthier/wealthier) it helped me not go on second dates with skeezy men, go to gym class, skip that last drink i didnt need. Looking through yoyr lense staying with your boyfriend would just meaning another year of blocking yourself from happiness...
• You should seek therapy but i would approach with caution (personally once i understood myself and what was blocking me therapy was basically just picking a scab and wasnt helpful at all). I have boxed up my childhood trauma its in the attic gathering dust and the desctructive person i used to be feels so far away. Dragging it out and discussing it is just not helpful and everything doesnt need to be dragged over the coals indefinitely.
• seek out ways to improve self esteem (regular exercise is incredible for this, maybe a defence class, art clasd, traing as a first aider or volunteering to help others... the list goes on)
• consider a cat or dog (animals give unconditional love which can be very healing)
• late 20s to late 30s are your prime years. Do not waste them because you dont think you deserve to be happy. You do.

Sorry for the ramble your post really moved me in part because your story is so sad and In part because it reminds me of my v different but still sad childhood. My teens and early 20s were so destructive.
You have a whole big long life and a whole big world in front of you and you deserve to be happy.

Thank you for all the replies so far. Again my brain is just so muddled and ive never spoken up for myself in life, or done what i need to do to make myself happy its all so new to me. Even though im 24.

It makes it worse that we genuinely do get on like bestfriends 99% of the time but ive lost all respect and love for him. Particularly because i realised it isnt normal for a partner to abuse your physical appearance when hes angry or drunk. There are so many people in the world out there who would respect me more than this. And also him too of course, he deserves someone that will show him an ounce of consideration and respect . I feel trapped because hes made it clear he will never leave me regardless of the circumstances. We are currently abroad and i find it more difficult because we both rely on my income and id essentially be sending him home alone to our country to live with his mum.

But i honestly cant go on living in a relationship where i constantly dream of freedom. I dont have any friends or any of my own personal time. I dont get 5 mins alone, if i try to go anywhere he wants to come, theres no such thing as me time anymore. I was so independent yet now feel myself getting anxious going out alone because of his constant tagging onto me.

You are not responsible for him, Khallaji.

You don't have to wait for him to leave you, you need to leave him. Let him go to his mum.

The more you post the more it's clear you don't get on 99% of the time.

What would be the next steps to you leaving him?