Husband was off on my birthday and not sure what to think

[Lilyandra]

It was my birthday last week. He did get me really lovely gifts, but otherwise he was really off. Like my birthday was a chore, he barely smiled/talked to me. When it's his birthday I always make an effort to make him feel special in terms of quality time.
I'm not sure if it's different love languages and because he's given me a nice gift (which I'm very grateful for btw) I shouldn't expect him to be excited about my birthday and acknowledge me on the actual day.

He's generally a very hard person to read and barely gets enthusiastic which doesn't help.

It's hard to tell without being there, I guess - is he usually like this on other days where:

• he's 'expected' to do stuff/make a fuss and he doesn't like the pressure
• it's not all about him and he doesn't like that
• he was tired/ill/thinking about work (insert anything that could have applied specifically to your birthday day, but not related to the fact that it was your birthday iyswim)?

I'd also wonder if he is just generally not an overly effusive type and you noticed it more this year for a particular reason... is everything else okay between you, life wise, money wise, etc?

I hope you had a lovely birthday anyway

Is this behaviour different to how he has been on previous birthdays?

Stop going all out on his birthday. Sounds like he resents reciprocating.

Don’t go to the effort of making it special when he can’t be arsed with yours.

I really feel like this 'love language' thing is used to justify shitty behaviour! If he was off on your birthday, he was being a dick. There's no excuse and let's face it, it probably wasn't accidental? Even if having a bad day, a grown adult can slap a smile on their face and be happy and excited so as not to spoil a birthday.

Mine didnt even get me a €1 card for mine or mention our 5 year anniversary back in march .. so id say you are doing okay. Hahah :')

@Khallaji hope you’re ignoring his too?

I'd expect my husband to acknowledge me every day. Smiling, chatting, interacting is the bare minimum on a regular day surely?

I don't think anyone can say definitely.

I wouldn't expect someone to be excited for my birthday.

But it sounds like he pretty much ignored you, rather than was just not excited.

Is this new behaviour? Has he been fine or other birthdays?

If you look over the past few years, Has his attitude towards you declined?

How does he react to the fuss you make on his birthday? How do you think he would react if you just got him a present and then blanked him?

I’m not sure what you mean by love language. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect another adult to be excited over your birthday. But if he didn’t talk to you all day, that is unreasonable. Are you saying he treated it the same as any other day, or he was worse than other days?

My husband and I forgot our wedding anniversary last year, both remembered the next day.

I wouldn't expect anyone to be excited about my birthday.
If he was being rude and ignoring you then you need to speak to him about it incase there's an issue he's not mentioned

What's he like when its not your birthday?

@Somuddled

I'd expect my husband to acknowledge me every day. Smiling, chatting, interacting is the bare minimum on a regular day surely?

Yes exactly.

@bcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyza

My husband and I forgot our wedding anniversary last year, both remembered the next day.

Me and DH are like this as well and we don't get excited about adult birthdays. But we both aren't bothered so its ok.

OP's DH got her a nice gift which shows he put some thought into it and made an effort. There could be an underlying problem , its difficult to tell .

My husband isn't particularly fond of his birthday. Really not arsed, quite happy to go to work, not really talk about it much.

Whereas in my family, generally you gather at the parents home for dinner/takeaway, relatives convene to see you, sing happy birthday have homemade cake, give gifts etc. I always try and get my parents' birthdays off work so I can be around to see them (I work long shifts and live a bit of a distance away) and see my siblings when I can. Birthdays and seeing family on that day are generally a bit deal for us.

However, although my husband hates a fuss, he will still 'let' me try and make a fuss of him for his birthday, and accepts the fact that birthdays are special to me and so will make a fuss of me. If something is important to you, then surely there needs to be a bit of give and take?

@Somuddled

I'd expect my husband to acknowledge me every day. Smiling, chatting, interacting is the bare minimum on a regular day surely?

This.

Not just a birthday thing and far more important than any gift.

Is he an arse generally?

Why didn't you ask why he has a face on?

Strange that you wouldn't ask.

How long are you married?

Is he a sulker if anything is expected of him?

I'm confused tbh sometimes by his behaviour. He's not an enthusiastic person generally, so he is hard to predict. Normally after a few drinks he becomes happier and chatty. This isn't out of the ordinary to be honest, guess it's no different to any other day and it's my issue as I would love if he made a bit more effort to be chatty and interested on my birthday so maybe I just get upset about it more.
I asked him why he had such a face on and he said nothing and got more irritated. He even walks ahead of me when we're out, I actually stopped to see how long it would take before he noticed I wasn't there and it was when he turned into the next road right to the end.
I've said to him before that he doesn't seem interested in me but he denies it. I don't know what to think.

We have been married 4 years, it seems to have got worse but getting him to open up is impossible. Just feel like something is wrong with me.

If it’s no different to how he usually is then it’s just him. I can’t imagine an adult wishing someone else to be excited about their birthday. But maybe it’s you’re lacking any interaction with him and were hoping for some small bit of affection.

You sound really unhappy.

He doesn't sound happy.

The worst thing you could do is have children with a man like this and drift.

End your marriage and move on.

Get some counselling to figure out why your relationship bar is so low that you married him?

You need to find out why you are with him, whilst you organise yourself to leave.

But maybe it’s you’re lacking any interaction with him and were hoping for some small bit of affection.

I agree with this. As though he's generally not very 'interactive' so you'd anticipated he might throw you a few crumbs of affection/attention on your birthday.

@VladmirsPoutine

But maybe it’s you’re lacking any interaction with him and were hoping for some small bit of affection.

I agree with this. As though he's generally not very 'interactive' so you'd anticipated he might throw you a few crumbs of affection/attention on your birthday.

Yeah it is this really.

He sounds a bit of a miserable git anyway.

Bless you OP, this sounds like the tip of a miserable iceberg

What are you going to do about it?

YANBU.

@Lilyandra Someone will probably come along soon, and say 'are you sure he's not depressed OP?'

He's not, he is just a miserable sod who can't be arsed with making a fuss of his WIFE on her birthday.

Also regarding THIS that you said...

"I'm confused tbh sometimes by his behaviour. He's not an enthusiastic person generally, so he is hard to predict. Normally after a few drinks he becomes happier and chatty. This isn't out of the ordinary to be honest, guess it's no different to any other day and it's my issue as I would love if he made a bit more effort to be chatty and interested on my birthday so maybe I just get upset about it more.>"

Red flags and alarm bells galore! He is only nice to you when he has had a few drinks? WTAF?

If you haven't got kids with him, I would be thinking about whether I want to spend my life with this man to be honest. It's never going to get better, and you deserve better.

Just because HE doesn't care for birthdays, he should still make a fuss of YOU.

It's like the 'I don't buy greetings cards' brigade. They act like they're so wonderful and special and 'cool' because they never buy greetings cards, like they're helping the planet and being such a 'right-on' environmental activist.

Yet the same people will have 3 cars in their one family, and have several holidays abroad a year (pre-covid) and do all sorts of 'crimes' against the environment that they don't care to acknowledge. (And they seemingly don't give a shit that the people they purport to care for are upset at not getting a card.') It's plain selfish IMO.

Also, ignore the 'adults shouldn't celebrate birthdays' brigade. It's bollocks. Of course they should - if they want to! There are such weird and bizarre attitudes towards adults actually having fun on here (from some!)