Dp plays PlayStation all night...

[Gracefaith2021]

I have a 13 week old baby, im currently on maternity leave. My partner used to work away all the time when i was pregnant (he worked away for years before he met me) when he came home on weekends he played video games on the night, i didnt mind as much as i was always sick from being pregnant and he worked hard but still mentioned sometimes it upsets me as its so repetitive.

Well stupid me thought things would change when baby was here as all he's ever wanted was to he a dad. I've now learnt, people dont change (been together 4 years but only moved in together 6 months before i got pregnant )

He no longer works away , he works at home self employed.

We put baby to bed at 7pm and i go to bed at 10pm as im tired from getting up with baby all night, he goes on his PlayStation at half 9 up unti 4am in the morning EVERY NIGHT not just weekends, no matter if i stay up longer or not!

Baby is nursed so i know i have the responsibility of doing the feeds but to me that isnt the point as baby sometimes wont settle after a feed and dp is either on the PlayStation or passed out in bed...

As soon as baby was born i put my foot down but nothings changed. I get up and bath baby on weekends while he's stil in bed, i get no time away on my own but thats ok as "i dont work atm"

I wouldnt mind if he was tired from work but that's not the case, hes tired from having his own free time EVERY NIGHT while i look after our child....
I love my baby so much but he couldnt cope for a hour without me so im with baby 24/7. He thinks baby will only settle on me as baby is nursed but its because he isnt around as much.

I just needed a rant and possibly some advice from people with the same problem?

I've had the conversation with him and his excuse is he can't sleep at night... but he used to sleep fine when he worked away in london, was in bed by 10pm but he doesn't want that routine back, he's happy to be up until 4am.

Ive told his parents and they don't say jack to support me. I just feel like I've gave my baby a shit dad and it breaks my heart with guilt.

Hey, I am not muxh of a poster but I can see no one has replied.

The first few months is so difficult and you need all the help you can get. If baby doesn't settle with him, does he do other stuff? Cook? Clean? What if you stopped doing those things around the house?

I suggest you say that a weekend day is a day off, since he has 2 days a week off work, you can have one day. And go out for a coffee... An hour or 2,see what happens. He needs to appreciate how hard it is to take care of a newborn. Can you express? Give him a bottle to do a night feed, since he's up anyway.

I would say you need to sit down and have a calm chat with him and tell him what you would like from him. Dont just rant at him saying he is wrong as it's just going to cause an argument but maybe just ask if he could compromise by maybe taking one night a week to spend some quality time with you and then having an earlier night then the following morning getting up with the baby so you can have a little lie in.

He won't ever change and his parents don't care either. Ditch this fool unless you want a lifetime of unhappiness.
He won't want custody as he's far too lazy. You will be happier alone.
I've been there - living with a lazy guy is soul destroying.

He needs to know how you feel and realise that he's a parent too.

My DH loves his xbox and can play til the earlier hours of the morning. He's on baby duty at the same time, since he's awake. I give him the baby monitor and have uninterrupted sleep until he goes to bed. When baby wakes, he drops his game and goes. On several occasions he's lost his game because he's attending baby, but it is what it is.

He also does bath time and bed time , wakes with baby in the morning, takes the baby out so I have a full days free time every couple of weeks, laundry, vacuuming. The split is about 60-40 with me doing more. But I'm on mat leave, and I have a relatively easy 8 month old DS who let's me get on with house stuff so I don't mind too much. Do you have family you can stay with to help you?

You've tried to speak to him and nothing has changed. That's quite extreme selfishness and laziness, and he has openly said you should never get a break because he works and you don't.

I'm sorry I know you dont want to hear this but I think your only option is to leave. You can't stay with someone who shows you and your baby such disrespect, it will break you.

Point out that he is acting like a teenage looser. Playing sometimes is fine, if that’s your thing, but not at the expense of a decent routine and other members of the family.

He’s a grown up, he can choose what time he goes to bed, but if you’re up at 6am with baby then perhaps he needs waking up then too. Plenty of early mornings and full busy days should help to re-shuffle his poor sleep routines if he is genuinely committed. If he refuses and continues prioritising the gaming over you and baby then I’m afraid I’d be kicking him out.

Equal leisure time is the only fair way. If he disagrees, he cannot possibly deny that he thinks you are beneath him. Ask him.

I had a similar situation with DD’s father. He routinely didn’t get out of bed until mid-afternoon and spent most of his waking hours playing on the computer. I kicked him out before DD’s first birthday. A decade on and his idea of having her ‘for the day’ equates to a few hours in the afternoon, because he still sleeps until lunch time and expects his evenings to be free for his own activities. Leaving was the best thing I could have done, he has missed out on so much but DD and I have been much better off without him.

He’s a loser
Cut your losses and move out

I left a man like this just after Christmas. Our daughter wasn't even a year old. There were other issues too but it was his refusal to engage in family life which was the thing that drained me every day. He'd spend all his free time gaming, drinking and shouting inane shite on his bloody head set. On the rare occasion he did any parenting or housework he kicked up a massive fuss. It was an awful, depressing, crushing way to live. Every day dragged and dragged only for me to wake up the next morning and have to live it again. I was terrified of leaving but honestly my life is so much easier on my own. I have so much more energy, life is no longer a hard slog because I'm doing it for my daughter and myself now not because a grown man thinks I'm his house servant. He doesn't see her because despite all his empty words he can't actually be arsed. Life is easy, peaceful, happy, predictable and 100% on my own terms. It's wonderful. You can do it.

@dontjumptoconclusions i do all house work and i dont mind BUT i tidy up after him which pissis me off (clothes all over floor etc) ! I have to tell him to put something away or help me, its a joke. Says it doesn't come natural to a man but he's lived with me long enough to be tidy. I cook too, always... its draining now.

Cut your losses. Leave.

Why did you expect him to change?

LTB
You are getting nothing from this relationship 😔

Oh dear. This is so sad to read. He's not going to change. 😔 But if this isn't what you want, you will need to go through your own process of only taking big decisions of you're sure they are right. So you tell him this is unacceptable and why, you tell him what needs to change to make it acceptable and mean it. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
When you feel you have given him every chance reasonable to recognise what he has to lose and demonstrate that he is interested in building a relationship with his child then he'll either have stepped up or he won't.
Sorry you're in this situation it sounds miserable.

He’s not a partner. He’s not going to be a good father. Time to make plans to go it alone.

So sorry. He won't change. In reality you have two children, one is an overgrown teenager. Don't be like me and do everything for 16 years and finally divorcing. It's only now that I'm making up for lost me-time

Do you have 100% of the mental load too? Appointments, house admin, bills, there will be all the school related stuff in a few years, it's exhausting and I was 100% a mug for putting up with it. I wouldn't watch my daughters go tje same way.

I’d be gone
You only have one life
Don’t waste it

He sounds like a loser tbh, my partner is a night owl and usually stays up until 2am, sometimes 3. When we had our son it meant he would deal with the night waking until he went to bed. I was bf'ing but he would get baby, pass him to me, burp him after and resettle. Gaming had to become a lot more casual as well as he needed to be playing something that he could just put down if needed, so no 3 hour raid session. Your partner could do his share of parenting and still stay up late on the playstation, he's making it clear he doesn't want to take responsibility.

I'd give it a month because he may still be adjusting from thinking he
an be carefree. Set an alarm at 6am and he has to get up and help out. He has to clean up after himself and he has to take on a list of responsibilities so you split the physical and mental load. If nothing changes then run. A baby is easy without an adult child to care for.

OP... Don't do his part of the housework. Don't wash his clothes. Any clothes that are lying around, dump them on his side of the bed, or in the spare room, or in a corner of the living room whatever.. But don't tidy for him. Cook for yourself. If he is gaming for hours on end every night, he will have ple ty of time to do all this.