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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fed up with not feeling like her parent

24 replies

crackingday · 21/08/2021 09:11

Constantly when dp is home he will talk I would like to say over me but it's not really over me it's more like after me, it's like for example " dd don't touch those carpets in the shop " then he will say " dd don't touch the carpets " this morning I've asked dd if she wants a bath when she said no I said have one later then if you don't want one now to which he says " you need to have a bath later " it's like I can't say anything to her without him going above and saying it too after I've said it! I've had family over and someone has said they feel whenever they try and engage with dd dp distracts her from the others and almost takes her away into their own little play time etc not sure if I'm in the wrong but every time I say something to her he says it after ! I don't feel like a mummy sometimes! She's 4

OP posts:
Original poster
crackingday · 21/08/2021 09:24

Fwiw he says he doesn't mean to do it !

OP posts:
smashionaltreasure · 21/08/2021 09:26

Does he understand it must be wearing for your DD to have him parroting everything?

Is he insecure and using his role to hide it?

Original poster
crackingday · 21/08/2021 09:28

No don't think he's insecure, no he doesn't see an issue says he doesn't mean it but I do feel like I'm not her mummy and wonder what she sees me as ? I feel like a second child playing mummy

OP posts:
RubyFowler · 21/08/2021 09:28

Is he just reinforcing what you've said. Showing a united front?

stayathomegardener · 21/08/2021 09:29

That would drive me nuts.

MagnoliaBeige · 21/08/2021 09:30

Pull him up on it, every single time! Each time he does it, say to him “Is there an echo in here?” Or “I just said that”. Or do it back to him and see how he feels. It may feel minor but I’d find it very undermining and patronising.

Aprilx · 21/08/2021 09:31

It sounds a little irritating, but also like he is trying to show a united front with you.

stayathomegardener · 21/08/2021 09:34

On a practical note it sounds like it's a habit so you just need to tell him it's stopping and reinforce that for a few week until it becomes embedded.

It doesn't matter if he's just trying to be united, if you don't like it then it stops.

Original poster
crackingday · 21/08/2021 09:34

No defo not united front. He's very much above me if that makes sense or that's how it feels anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
crackingday · 21/08/2021 09:36

This has been going on for years despite me saying stop it and explaining how it seems it doesn't stop him

OP posts:
ForensicFlossy · 21/08/2021 09:36

My dh does this (so does my ddad). It drives me mad. As pp have said he does it to show a united front. I try and ignore as he does it with the best intentions but occasionally I will let him know that I am quite capable of sorting the children.

MushMonster · 21/08/2021 09:37

Well... I thought you were going to say he opposed your instruction.
At least he is just saying the same! Making sure your DD gets that you are both in the same page. It may be tiresome for you, but he is supporting you!
Can you have a kind talk to him?
Is your DD maybe looking at him after you say something trying to get him to say different? It is not rare for children to try to get the parents contradict each other to get away with what they want.
Or maybe his parents did just opposed each other all the time? I had that! They were not a good couple. And if one said to the right, the other said to the left! You cannot imagine how hard that is for a little child!
Have a chat and see if you can get to only say the very same as you if the child does not listen the first time? Instead of all the time?
Regarding the playing.... is he taking your DD away? Or is she going to play with her father because she is shy and she feels better around her father when there are more people around?

girlmom21 · 21/08/2021 09:43

I know you disagree but the only logical reason for this is to show a united front.

When you say he's 'above' you do you mean he'll be more assertive when he says it rather than just conversational? So he makes it sound like he's the one with the authority and she'll do it because he's reinforced it rather than because you've said it?

Original poster
crackingday · 21/08/2021 09:47

He makes me feel like I'm babysitting my own child xx

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 21/08/2021 09:55

That does sound incredibly irritating. Doubly so as you have spoken about it and he is now aware that he does it!

Sadly I am finding it hard to come up with a solution Sad. I hope someone else has some good ideas! short of whacking him in the face every time he does it, to try to break the habit

SilverTimpani · 21/08/2021 09:57

That sounds infuriating.

If he says he doesn’t realise he’s doing it, I’d start calling him out on it every time. A sharp ‘I just said that, there’s no need for you to repeat it’ every time til he starts to self correct ought to do it.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 21/08/2021 10:04

Try saying 'I've just said that' each time to start with.

Palavah · 21/08/2021 10:40

@MagnoliaBeige

Pull him up on it, every single time! Each time he does it, say to him “Is there an echo in here?” Or “I just said that”. Or do it back to him and see how he feels. It may feel minor but I’d find it very undermining and patronising.
That sounds unnecessarily snippy in front of their daughter?
Mrstamborineman · 22/08/2021 08:29

What happens if you need to discipline your dd ?
Does he support your decisions?
Would it help to ask him, why are you repeating me? I just said that.

LittleOwl153 · 22/08/2021 08:39

I have a child who does that just to be annoying. I just say "thanks 🦜 Parrot! Every time.

Whe you are with family and he is taking her off you need to stop him. Let her spend Time with others otherwise he's going to affect her confidence with others.

phishy · 22/08/2021 08:44

I've had family over and someone has said they feel whenever they try and engage with dd dp distracts her from the others and almost takes her away into their own little play time etc

This is really odd. Do you know why he does this? Sounds very unhealthy, it sounds like he is overly possessive of DD and she will grow up suffocated by him. It needs to be addressed.

Everydayimhuffling · 22/08/2021 08:58

I've had this with DP a couple of times. He thought he was being supportive but I explained that actually it gives the impression that the children don't have to listen to me unless he agrees. It's very undermining. I don't understand the PP who think it's helpful at all! OP, you need to pull him up on it every time (politely), especially if he does it without thinking. He has to become conscious of it to stop it.

Similarly with the distracting DC to play only with him, I would say, "what are you doing? We/they were playing. Why are you interrupting?" Assuming you have addressed it with him privately before.

billy1966 · 22/08/2021 09:15

@phishy

I've had family over and someone has said they feel whenever they try and engage with dd dp distracts her from the others and almost takes her away into their own little play time etc

This is really odd. Do you know why he does this? Sounds very unhealthy, it sounds like he is overly possessive of DD and she will grow up suffocated by him. It needs to be addressed.

And a bit creepy.

That others have noticed would make me wonder.

What is your relationship like generally?
Are you happy in it?

phishy · 22/08/2021 16:56

Agree @billy1966, it’s a shame the OP has disappeared though.

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