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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to wonder how many of you "make love" with your partner/husband as opposed to "have sex" ?

11 replies

gallonsoftea · 21/08/2021 00:32

I ask this question from a marriage where I feel like we never "connect" during sex - it is purely functional. Please don't tear me apart but is this normal ? It's a long marriage of 25+ years. Can anyone that's been in a long marriage/partnership (at least 10+ years) tell me whether they still have any emotional connection during sex ? Sometimes I freel like I'm in a porn film and not in a good way !!

OP posts:
olidora63 · 21/08/2021 00:38

Yes definitely me . We haven’t had sex for years because it was too robotic..am now thinking about my future!! Am late 50s so probably not your age group!

maras2 · 21/08/2021 03:30

We've been 'making love' for over 50 years but we're quite happy for either of us to say 'fancy a shag'? when the mood takes us. Smile

StarlightLady · 21/08/2021 04:38

It’s all about passion. I would rather have sex with 25 different people than the same person for 25 years.

HateJudgmentalPeople · 21/08/2021 04:51

@StarlightLady

It’s all about passion. I would rather have sex with 25 different people than the same person for 25 years.
Haha me too, I honestly don’t think I am cut for longer long term relationships, 3 years in and I get bored and want that new passion thing again with someone new Grin
PermanentTemporary · 21/08/2021 04:52

I don't know, for me it gets to much making love and not enough sex over time!

Cheeseplantboots · 21/08/2021 05:09

It’ll be normal for some and not others. We’ve been married longer than that, when we can be bothered it’s sometimes passionate but other times it’s not.

YouShouldLeave · 21/08/2021 17:23

What’s the difference?

Blue4YOU · 21/08/2021 17:25

I’m with my DH for 17 years. It’s a case of both! I went through a more more invigorated period about a couple of years ago that went on for about a year. I’m a bit meh at the minute but that’s totally based on stress.

Tal45 · 21/08/2021 17:32

Do you connect outside of sex? That's what I'd start working on.

Jinxdoesit · 21/08/2021 17:37

With my exh it was exactly like you say yours is- just sex, sometimes feeling like I was in a porn film and not in a good, sexy way, in a feeling degraded way. My ex used to call me a slut etc during sex, and do things I didn't really like, I would ask him not to but he said he could tell I liked it because I came quicker when he did. It was never loving.
With my DP now we have incredibly passionate sex as well as loving sex and it's far far better! I've realised that I feel more turned on when I feel loved and respected and even when it's not the kind of 'making love' sex it's far more enjoyable because of that.

therocinante · 21/08/2021 18:07

Assuming you mean "making love" = "romantic, passionate sex" as opposed to more... physical/rough/carnal etc...?

We are a mix. Mostly the latter, with the former reserved for the odd lazy Sunday morning or middle of the night.

BUT - that's fine for us because we are both still satisfied, feel respected and looked after, and feel emotionally connected, even while we're doing objectively less 'romantic' stuff and on the further end of the kink scale.

I've bolded that because what I'm getting from your post is that in one 'type' of sex, you're not feeling loved/respected/are not having an orgasm/are feeling objectified.

You can have non-mushyromantic sex and still feel all those things (unless you're deliberately trying to not feel respected etc as a kink, of course)!, and it sounds as though you're not.

That's your problem. You can have a rough quickie against the kitchen counter and still feel loved and connected and have an orgasm, and it sounds as though these types of encounters are leaving you feeling as though one or more of those things is missing.

(Also, there's preference I suppose - if your preference is just for the slower more romantic stuff, and it's not just because you're more likely to enjoy yourself, that's also fine and your DP and you should be compromising and making sure you're both getting the kind of sex you want! But it sounds to me as though it's not necessarily preference but quality difference between the different 'types').

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