To think dad and step mum should suck it up?

[TableFlowerss]

So I’ve got a couple of big birthdays coming up for family members and it’s causing me stress 🤣

This time it’s my sisters 50th bday and her DH is very quiet (sister not so!) so I offered to organise a family meal with 10 close relatives, as a surprise for sister.

So I asked dad and step Mam (who’s been with dad for 30 years), Cousin and DH, her best friend and DH and myself and my DH.

So that’s 10 of us. Cousin and DH can’t make it so that leaves 8 of us.

Dad and step mum know her best friend and her DH, so they aren’t strangers but they have said they’d prefer not to go and made an excuse.

So it’s me, DH, birthday girl sister and hubby and her best friend and her partner.

Now I feel this is poor form on my dad and step mums part. They basically don’t like our cousins husband (and I agree he’s a knob) so I knew they’d probably not go because of that, but cousin can’t go so it’s all the people they like so there’s no excuse now.

I just feel it’s crap that there’s only 6 of us going to celebrate my sisters big birthday and that our dad and step Mam should really step up and come along.

They are controlling in other senses too. If we ever go for a meal they always want to go to the same place. Won’t budge on location and I often think ffs, because I’m sick of it. It’s nice enough but it’s nice to try somewhere new. For the last 10 years we go to the same county pub because that’s what they like, but fuck anyone else. They won’t change it.

DSis doesn’t know that I’ve organise this little meal for her but when I tell her, I’ll be telling her that I’m mad about dad and step Mam putting themselves above my sister.

I understand not everyone likes social situations but for god sake, if you can’t make the effort for your daughter’s special bday, it’s a poor doo.

The more I think about it, the more annoyed I get. AIBU to feel let down by them on behalf of my sister?

I agree it’s poor form, but look at the positives - you can choose somewhere you know your sister will really enjoy instead of the one pub they’d want to go to, and there’ll be a little group of you all around the same age which could be more fun. I’d let go of the annoyance with your dad and stepmum, maybe either arrange something separate with them or just let them sort something themselves. Control what you can control, ignore what you can’t.

Do they know that the cousin is no longer going? And if they do, what’s their excuse? It can’t be that they won’t know anybody because they are close to 4 out of 6 of the people there? Of course, you can’t force them to go but I agree it’s poor form. I’m sure your sister will have a lovely birthday. What a nice thing you are doing

I wouldn't bother mentioning your dad/step mum. If she asks were they invited just say they couldn't make it, but don't start giving out about them and making her feel shit on her birthday. I'm sure you can have a lovely evening with just 6 of you. Or ask another couple of her friends if you want.

YABU because you are expecting them to change when they’ve given zero indication that they ever would.

Just go and have a nice time without them.

You'll probably have a better time without, TBH. But yes it is poor form to decline this invite, quite cold of them really.
Perhaps they could join just you &dDH and DS&DH for a family drink before hand?

I don't think its a great way to portray the meal as a treat for your sis and say that you are mad at your dad and stepmum....its kind of pissing on her chips even before the chips are served....and could be interpreted as making the whole thing about you and them instead of the birthday girl.

By all means be cross with your dad and step mum - but I'd not be telling your sister that. Go and enjoy yourselves without them. Don't spoil your sisters day making a thing about it.

Yes. Don't mention their poor behaviour, that will just upset her. Just say who is coming and enjoy the chance to go somewhere different. Its their loss.

Why would you complain about them and spoil her enjoyment of her own birthday meal? Also, I’m not clear on why your BIL being ‘quiet’ means he’s incapable of making your sister’s birthday special — are you absolutely sure she will actually be pleased by a surprise? A lot of people hate them.

I imagine they will only go if it is the pub they like. I also wouldn't even mention it to Dsis as it will just spoil it. You can have a lovely time with 6 of you.

Be grateful they won't go, it means you can go somewhere other than that one place they will go to! Woo hoo!

"DSis doesn’t know that I’ve organise this little meal for her but when I tell her, I’ll be telling her that I’m mad about dad and step Mam putting themselves above my sister."
No, don't. Don't tell her about your dad. Don't even mention that they were invited. Don't force her to acknowledge their shittiness on her big birthday. Make that one of your presents to her - shielding her from their behaviour.

Thanks guys.

That’s why I needed you’re input/perspective. The closer it’s getting to her bday the more annoyed I was getting that they didn’t want to go.

I agree if I tell her I’m pissed off with them, it’ll do nothing but cause her grief (needlessly) so I will refrain. Can’t say one night I won’t get pissed and tell her how mad i was with them 😳🤣 but I won’t this weekend!

your

Ah it’ll be more fun without them. They sound like they’d bring the mood down. Have fun x