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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To Ask What to DD. 18yo DD with Health Risks & a Camping Trip with Another Family?

7 replies

SingingInTheShithouse · 20/08/2021 14:15

We are genuinely a bit flummoxed as to how to approach this so would appreciate others input. So AIBU to not know what to do & ask for your help.

Our 18 yo DD goes off on a 10 day camping trip with her BFs family in a couple of weeks.

She has significant medical issues that leave her vulnerable to exhaustion, sensory processing flare ups, pain, dehydration & heat stroke & serious injuries from minor accidents, struggles to walk far due to a resurgence of it causing flare ups of significant hip pain. She is at an age where she is in denial of her limitations/health problems, doesn't look after herself properly, avoids treatment etc, leading to her currently being more prone to symptoms, pain, gastric problems, injury etc. She's also very have a go at anything which has lead to a string of disabling injuries over the years. She's never grown out of this, but the treatment regime has helped her cope much better for a few years, but she mostly refuses this now. Her medical condition is one that we've experienced difficulty with A&E having good understanding of the potential for more serious injury, leading to needing to be firm in pushing what her diagnosis means... she wouldn't be good at this as she can be quite shy, plus... her denial. She has medical ID cards & tags etc, but won't use them. Frequently doesn't take a supplement with her that would help a POTs attack, nor drinks enough.

We've taken other peoples kids camping with us many a time over the years & they've always given us the heads up about your similar issues, but they were younger & we respect that she's now a young adult & she's very angry about the idea that we talk to the parents, even though we know them. Her insistence is that her BF knows & he'll deal with it. He's a smashing lad, but quite a young 18yo & that seems a lot to expect of him. We hope she will be sensible & speak up etc, but we know she has form for not doing so & we can see her health isn't great due to skipping treatment. She's also stressing about how she's going to cope as she's exhausted.

We don't want to baby her, she's an adult, but is it fair not to let the other family know of potential problems. We're well aware from our own camping trips, that phone signals can't be relied on in the moment

How would you handle this ?

Thank you

OP posts:
CrotchetyQuaver · 20/08/2021 14:30

I'd have a quiet word with his parents. They need to know in case it goes wrong. Not necessarily in great detail but enough to know to call you if they're concerned about anything...

StarttoFinish · 20/08/2021 14:33

Oh. I'm taking DS's 18yo GF away for a few days tomorrow.

I'd be furious if she had these kinds of issues and no one told me.

If it was DS, I'd be having a "you tell them or I will" conversation.

AdelindSchade · 20/08/2021 14:36

This is really tough OP. Very difficult for you. I can't really see how you could override her wishes without risking your relationship. Other than suggest to her again that she tell the parents - they might be pissed off if something happened and they were not told about things in advance.

LIZS · 20/08/2021 14:38

How far away is it? Can she bail or call you if needs be? 10 daysvis a long time. She does need to make his parents aware though, in case it becomes an issue and they need to react or amend plans. If she won't you can.

5128gap · 20/08/2021 14:46

I think the problem is that if you describe it to them as you have here, they may withdraw the offer. It sounds as though you feel DD needs to be monitored and potentially for someone to step in if she thinks she is able to do something she can't, or arrange any necessary intervention, possibly against her wishes. It does sound significant responsibility for them and they may not be up for it. If I've read it right though I think they deserve to be made aware, but I don't think you will be able to do it 'quietly' as I really do think they may decide not to take her. Then obviously she would be angry with you. I guess if she won't tell them you need to decide whether that's worth the risk.

DameAlyson · 20/08/2021 14:48

If they've taken out any insurance for the trip, they probably do need to know. Her pre-existing health conditions could affect their policy.

StarttoFinish · 20/08/2021 14:49

The boyfriend doesn't necessarily need to be able to make her case in an emergency, provided he is sensible enough to know that you need to be called?

Can you talk to him about how comfortable he is with it all? If he'd prefer his parents were briefed, maybe DD would accept that?

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