Don't want to attend family gathering

[Ellarain]

So our nephew is getting christened tomorrow and I don't want to go. Nephew is the son of my DH brother. Family relations have been difficult at times and I really don't have the energy. I can never win with them, if I talk they find a way to twist what I have said, if I'm quiet I'm being rude. I haven't heard from SIL who's child is getting christened since March when they got married. I realised that I was always the one reaching out so stopped and I haven't heard from her since. She text my DH about the christening. I'm not on speaking terms with my mil either. I just feel like I'm tolerated my his family and I get terrible anxiety before, during and after any family gatherings. DH obviously wants me to go with him but I really don't want to. If I don't go I don't know what DH should say to explain my absence.We have another christening the same day which I will be attending with DH. BIL and Sil know about the other christening. What should I do?

“Positive” PCR test.. ?

Say you're waiting for a pcr result.

That would mean DH and DC couldn't attend either.

Is the other Christening before DN?

Didn't you get a dreadful headache during it and have to go home after?

I wouldn't go and if it comes up I would be honest and say I don't really want to come to make up numbers for the Christening. I would rather spend it with people who I do have a consistent nice relationship with.

I don't follow all the blood is thicker than water, doing things out of some daft sense of obligation.

Just don't go then! If they always have a problem with you then it shouldn't matter if you're there not.

DH said he would go to nephews christening first to get it out if the way. The other christening is the daughter of his good friend and its more of a party so will stay there for a few hours.

I always end up with a "bad headache" in such situations. They sometimes respond well to painkillers and sometimes they don't depending on whether I want to go to the later event or not.

I won't attend christenings on principle and always decline in advance anyway

It's tomorrow - you've left it far too late to refuse, to be honest. I'd just go to support your DP, and use the other Christening as an excuse not to stay very long.

UTI . Heavy period. Piles. Something slightly personal and embarrassing they won’t bother questioning DH about .
I’ve not been to a wedding, christening or any other such hell for 15 years. I’ve been ‘done’ now so I can’t use the period one any more. UTI with ‘feeling rotten from the antibiotics to boot’ kept me safe from a baby shower only a couple of weeks ago.

Fine. Tell them you have been invited to two christenings. Dh is going to attend one, and you the other.

They treat you badly so don't get yourself worked up trying to find a reason. They didn't even bother to contact you so you don't need to provide them with a reason. If your dh has to say something to them, then it should be that you already committed to the other one first. Dont get yourself anxious over people who don't treat you nicely.

Yes, too late to refuse unless you cry illness which involves DH lying to his family on your behalf. I'd grit my teeth and go, smile sweetly at everyone and only speak if spoken to then scamper off to have fun at the other one. Tell your DH that you'll probably give any future gatherings a miss (so don't accept on your behalf) - he can say 'I'll be there but not sure about Ella' and then you can text 'thanks for the invite but can't make it'. Don't give any reasons so DH won't have to pretend you've broken your leg/going to the Queen's garden party/watching paint dry. See tomorrow as the gateway to freedom!

We were invited to DH friends baby christening first and accepted the invite. When SIL text DH he told her we had a christening that day and she said "she hoped we could make it to theirs too". DH should have said there and then that it wouldn't be possible. I know it's DH family so easy for me to say. It's just a lot of hassle and running around for something I really don't feel comfortable attending. If I do go with DH I'm worried we will end up stuck there for the day. I suppose I'm also a little bit pissed of that sil sent invite to DH and not me.

I would go and be jolly. Be the better person and keep upbeat and smiley. Bitch on here periodically if required.

Just dont go. Your dh can give an excuse, a simple Ellarain couldnt make it will do.

Tell DH to go to his families and you go to your friends. You can explain it away as you both can't be in two places at once.

Ex family was a huge contributor to us splitting so I get where you are coming from

Migraine? Don't go if it will make you very miserable. Why are you not on speaking terms with MIL either, does DH want to try and make the peace?

What about going to the service but not any afterparty celebrations. Just say cliches likes beautiful service etc give a card and head off. "Can't stay ...but wouldn't have missed the service ...it was lovely...."

Go to the church service, show your face, fake smile and them bugger off to the second one. You can surely go and play happy families for an hour in church when no one is talking anyway.

If you don’t want to go, don’t go. Sounds like you don’t have a decent relationship with them anyway.

You can either choose to be direct about why you didn’t attend or make up a white lie (eg you are busy because agreed to help your friend with the organisation of her baby’s christening).

Is there a way to make the relationship with your partners family better for the future?

I'd go to the service, stand smiling at dh's side for 30minutes and look forward to the other Christening.

Not attending is really playing into their hands.

I think you should go. All SIL has done is not be in touch much. The absence of making an effort isn't the same as actually being nasty, whereas not attending the Christening is unkind. They will all talk about your absence and hold it against you, perpetuating the cycle of anxiety. Staying home is a short term fix but doesn't help long term.

Go, make small talk, be extra nice with no expectations and leave early for the other Christening. Just play the part, check the boxes and go. Don't escalate a low level family incompatiblity into something more.

I'd probably go for the sake of DH. Just get through it. I wouldn't make a scene at the christening, but on future (non-ceremonial) meetings with his family, I might start calling them out on twisting my words or saying I'm rude. Eventually, if it doesn't improve, I might just stop going to events on his side of the family. But for this one, I'd probably go, then just insist you have to go when you need to go.

The only way "out", imo, would be if you can find a reason that you're needed early at the other christening. You agreed to help, for instance, but in that case, it would've been strange not to say something earlier. So, really, just go this time and don't take "no" for an answer when it's time to leave for the other event.