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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cancelled again!

23 replies

CoopersHawke · 20/08/2021 12:03

I have had two lunch dates with two different friends cancelled at the last minute this week. One of them while I was literally walking out the door.

These cancellations have happened to me a lot, going back 20 years with these particular friends, and it's always them that suggests we meet up in the first place! They always give a good excuse such as, their car broke down, their cousin came to town without notice and they have to go and meet them, they had a dodgy takeaway last night, etc.

I am always very understanding when it happens and never show any annoyance, but I'm starting to wonder if I should. (It is annoying when I've made the effort to get ready to go out, or set a particular day aside when I could have been doing something else.)

Are people generally this flaky or AIBU to think they are taking the piss and I need to start getting more cross with them?

OP posts:

plodalong12 · 20/08/2021 12:37

This has been going on for 20 years? Forget getting cross, I’d just forget making or accepting plans with them. I’d go as far to double book and if it meant the frequent cancellers got stood up for a change, then oh well…

FuckingFlumps · 20/08/2021 12:43

So for 20 years they have been cancelling on you? Fuck that I would have lost my patience 19 years ago.

No one is that unlucky that all these unforeseen things happen to them only when they happen to be meeting up with you. It's entirely possible that they are getting offers they consider 'better' and they know you will graciously accept any bullshit excuse they come up with.

I suggest finding yourself some new friends, these people don't value you and your time.

Original poster

CoopersHawke · 20/08/2021 13:00

It's entirely possible that they are getting offers they consider 'better' and they know you will graciously accept any bullshit excuse they come up with.

This had crossed my mind also.

I don't really have the mental energy for any new friends, but perhaps I will stop agreeing to dates with these particular two. I might say "let's see how we feel on the day…" when they suggest things.

OP posts:

passengerjl · 20/08/2021 13:10

Are they generally quite anxious, introverted people? They could struggle with social stuff. I used to be a bit like that- would make plans when I felt up for going out, then as the event got closer, start to worry and not want to go.

Now I only say yes to things that I definitely want to do, and find saying no easier.

What helped me was a friend gently telling me how unfair it was to agree to plans and then keep cancelling. She knew it came from my social anxiety, but also stood up for herself and called me out on it.

KatherineJaneway · 20/08/2021 13:11

TBH sounds like they don't actually want to meet up despite organising

Original poster

CoopersHawke · 20/08/2021 13:27

passengerjl Neither of these friends are introverted but one is an alcoholic and I suspect often cancels because they want to stay at home with a bottle of Scotch.
The other one has a controlling and needy spouse.
Those might explain the last-minute excuses I suppose.

OP posts:

Sandinmyknickers · 20/08/2021 13:42

I don't think cancelling because your cousin suddenly arrived in town is a good reason. If my cousin did that, unexpected, without letting me know, I'd say "OK great, I'll catch you later this evening as I'm busy this afternoon with my friend." Just saying..that's a very poor excuse compared to the others and really rude to you, the friend

Muchmorethan · 20/08/2021 13:58

Actually l think they all sound like bullshit excuses and l can't be bothered with bullshit.

I'd not bother in the future or try and meet them with another person also

Original poster

CoopersHawke · 20/08/2021 14:17

try and meet them with another person also
I did this the last time I met up with one of them. The third friend in this equation gets very angry if flakey friend lets them down in any way. Guess what… Flakey friend turned up, and bearing gifts too!

I guess I'm just too "gracious". I can't be bothered to get angry!

OP posts:

mstroutpout · 20/08/2021 14:18

@CoopersHawke

passengerjl Neither of these friends are introverted but one is an alcoholic and I suspect often cancels because they want to stay at home with a bottle of Scotch. The other one has a controlling and needy spouse. Those might explain the last-minute excuses I suppose.

When I was drinking heavily I would suggest making plans with friends because the booze made me feel confident and sociable then in the cold light of day I actually didn't want to socialise at all. Could be that

babybunny123 · 20/08/2021 14:23

Hi, this happened to me a lot with a particular friend, when she tries to arrange lunch or a meet up now i always say 'we will see' she soon gave up.

Lovelybottom · 20/08/2021 14:31

Op this is really annoying IMO. Excuses like my cousin showed up just aren't good enough. How dare they? I am fairly reliable with arrangements and have a few friends that do stuff like this.

I hate feeling so frustrated so changed strategy with the offenders - I take the arrangements to be loose arrangements and if I don't fancy it or something genuinely better comes up I cancel guiltfree. I don't do it out of spite, just changed my approach to match theirs. With everyone else I continue as normal.

It doesn't mean they have changed their behaviour but it does mean I don't feel frustrated or letdown. It works because I've a wide circle, I know that's not the case for everyone though. Your other two options are to ditch them or let them know that they are upsetting you.

Whatever you do don't smile and continue to be upset with the situation. It's not worth it. Good luck.

crazycatgal · 20/08/2021 15:14

One of my friends became like this, she made plans and then cancelled last minute every time with a pathetic excuse. I just ignored her texts after a year of it. Life is too short to invest time in shit friends.

Sloth66 · 20/08/2021 16:34

They take it for granted that despite their shabby behaviour, you’ll still be there for the next time. Honestly,I’m not sure these two are friends at all.

toopoliticallycorrect · 20/08/2021 16:41

When you say that your friends always suggest meeting up ... do they actually arrange it or do they just say something along the lines of "we must meet for lunch one day"?

Original poster

CoopersHawke · 20/08/2021 21:29

lovelybottom babybunny Those are good tactics!

toopoliticallycorrect They suggest it, they press me to set a date, they choose the place, book the table, text the night before saying "can't wait to see you…"

OP posts:

Frazzledmummy123 · 20/08/2021 22:52

You most definitely aren't being unreasonable, especially if it has been an ongoing thing.

I know things can happen which can mean arrangements are cancelled, we have all been there, however they are taking the piss. I know you said two of them have got possible reasons for cancelling a lot, but even so, it isn't acceptable if it is all the time as it is selfish and a waste of your time.

I had this with a now ex friend a few years ago. I ended up stopping putting any faith in her as she wasn't holding down any arrangements and I got fed up as the friendship was becoming more hassle than it was worth. I don't talk to her much any more as she wasn't happy when I became unavailable for her once I moved on and made other friends who actually made the effort to meet me. She obviously didn't care that much otherwise she would have made an effort.

I wouldn't show annoyance when they cancel as it would likely cause friction. I would just not be as available for them and if they are true friends they will hang around, and probably be more available for you. If not, you know where you stand. Or, you could talk to them about it directly, however tread carefully as they might not like it.

Good luck!

Kiduknot · 20/08/2021 23:00

Next time agree but add “you aren’t going to cancel again are you? It’s happened a lot lately and I’m getting a bit fed up”

Just to make the point. You don’t have to be angry or aggressive. Just show them that it’s affecting you.

BatshitBanshee · 20/08/2021 23:03

YANBU, they're just assholes.

I try very hard to never cancel any plans and on the few rare occasions that I have had to cancel, I make sure that I never cancel on that person again. Otherwise it's just very, very rude.

I wouldn't be picking up the phone to them again.

ThinWomansBrain · 20/08/2021 23:08

don't think I'd have put up with it for so long
Alcoholic friend is hardly going to call and say "I'm pissed" or 'I need to finish this bottle".
Other friend could be being stopped by controlling husband - equally not likely to say & would make up an excuse.
I think I'd leave them to make plans to meet up with each other - that'll go well.

toopoliticallycorrect · 21/08/2021 08:16

@CoopersHawke

lovelybottom babybunny Those are good tactics!

toopoliticallycorrect They suggest it, they press me to set a date, they choose the place, book the table, text the night before saying "can't wait to see you…"

Well that's weird. I'd thought it might be them just casually/politely saying "we must meet up sometime" but perhaps didn't really mean it!

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 21/08/2021 08:21

You can't change other people's behaviour but you can change your own

I think 20 years is enough chances , be unavailable every time they suggest meeting up , they will know why .
Cultivate friendships with more reliable people .
Move on and don't get het up about other people's rudeness, life's too short

Wilkolampshade · 21/08/2021 08:35

Have a friend that does this and although I try not to let to get to me, it really does. I think she really does intend to meet at the time and is full of good intentions but in the end something vague always crops up on her part even up to the very very last minute. I'm left feeling that I'm just not interesting/diverting enough to outweigh the bother on the day...🤷‍♀️ Oh well, I still like her, and think I'm OK too, but sometimes you just have to move on I guess. Sad after 20 years though, I agree.

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