I've lost motivation

[afghanistanwhatnow]

DH is a workaholic and so was I when I met him. We worked so hard and have both been very successful at what we do.

I’m now mid thirties and have had enough. I’m bored shitless by work to the point of tears some days. He is still motivated - I asked him tonight what his goals are and it turned into an argument.

He basically accused me of wanting to throw the towel in on life and run away from my responsibilities. I see why he thinks this, but I also feel so so trapped.

I’m just fed up of responsibility involved in the life I lead and financially we could afford to work less and still have a good life. He doesn’t see it like that, he says he has no option but to continue to work endless hours.

We promised ourselves five years ago we would resume normal working hours and maybe even work one less day per week (our jobs are stressful beyond words) and he’s broken the promise and I see no intention of him to unbreak it.

I probably sound ungrateful but we have worked so hard and I just want to enjoy things a bit - he won’t stop.

I feel so trapped - trapped to the point of depression. As though I’m living a life that isn’t authentic. We live in a small town, everyone is in stable lives doing stable things and it’s just. Boring.

I know people will say we sound to have grown apart but I love him dearly and don’t want to leave him and won’t because I don’t want to be with anyone else. I believe we are right together, just currently not on the same page. Equally I have no idea what to do.

We are also TTC which isn’t going to plan and is putting more stress on me.

I have done this life for ten years now, living into he same town doing the same job. I’m bored. So bored. Not of him at all so please I don’t want advice about leaving my DH. He is the one person whose company I enjoy more than anything.

I just don’t know what to do to feel less trapped.

Just realised how long this post is! Apologies in advance lol

Think you need to sit down with him again and lay it on the line how you feel. Set some ground rules of things that shouldn't be said. Ask him to listen to you. Even if you cut your hours or a change of career that might help. Trying fir a baby is stressful enough and he does surely realise that once you have a baby there has to be a bit of give for you both to raise a family. Good luck x

he does surely realise that once you have a baby there has to be a bit of give for you both to raise a family

Or, he won't change at all, the OP will have to run herself into the ground trying to do absolutely everything and her husband will resent her even more for perceived irresponsibility than he already does.

OP I would strongly suggest you stop trying for a baby until you and your husband are on the same page with where you want to be in life.

Op you don’t need to be on the same page. You can reduce your hours, change job, do what it takes. You don’t need him to do it too. It’s ok for him to enjoy his job and wish to stay at it like he is. You need to take personal responsibility for you

We are in a really similar position also mid thirties. My other half works ALL of the time and will constantly take on extra work. I’ve always loved my career but we had a little one in Feb and I’ve decided to cut my hours when I return to work. It has been hard but I’d just say do what makes you happy. You can cut your hours or change job and fill your time with your own hobbies and interests, he may end up joining you or he might continue to work.

I think I'd be really annoyed that a discussion about work/life balance and future plans turned into an argument.

If you are both working all hours, what is the housework split? What has been discussed about childcare arrangements? Have you both looked at the household finances and checked that you can maintain this lifestyle with fewer hours?

What are you currently doing and what would your ideal be?

There's nothing stopping you changing your job but if he is adamant that he won't change anything then it's very likely that he will continue to expect to do all this while you do all the childcare/reduce hours/pick up the housework because you're at home so what else are you doing?!

Stress is not conducive to TTC so if both of you are really on board with having a baby then the situation needs to change. If he won't help fix anything then I'd be putting TTC on hold.

I hear you, I am in the same place. Long successful career that now just feels like Groundhog Day - I know how my projects will turn out, I know what will happen in a meeting - I have seen it all before and I am bored! I fully empathise.

You have two main issues. Your job demands a lot of you, but does not energise you. You are TTC and that is stressful. The demanding job that you hate will not help you in your TTC attempts. What is more important for your DH? You running on the job treadmill, matching his engagement or you both succeeding in creating a child? Is he enthusiastic about TTC? How does he envisage life with his child in the mix? Perhaps if you can both agree on what the priorities are for the future, you can create a more agreeable plan for the now.

I’d also add that when my other half found out we were pregnant he seemed to think that our life wouldn’t change much - I laughed.

In reality his life hasn’t changed much whereas mine has completely. I don’t mind as I love spending time with our little one but it’s definitely worth a conversation if you also live with a workaholic!

@MyFloorIsLava see he is probably the more responsible one of the two of us which makes me feel more guilty.

He does the same if not more housework than me, Better in the mornings than me so I'd say if we had kids he would probably end up doing the same as if not more. That's not the issue, the issue for me is feeling guilty about that and just wanting us both on the same page.

For other posters who mention we need to do it differently, problem is we can - we work together which is what makes this so complicated.

We get paid the same, as it's equal effort. So if I drop out that makes things very unfair for him. Or I have to take a serious pay cut. Then he ends up paying more for things! It just doesn't work if that makes sense.

We either both have to push through together or work less.

We have spoken about childcare and he said he will work one less day a week as will I and then we would arrange childcare for the other days.

I genuinely believe he will stick to his word on that as there's no choice with a child. If he breaks his promise then we have to look at nurseries I guess.

@Yarboosucks you sound exactly like me!! It's so boring isn't it - and you hit the nail on the head when you said the job demands so much but doesn't energise me. Because it's a job that demands so much, you need to be energised for it! And when not then you're not performing the job to the level required.

I'm underperforming and it's not cool, for anyone involved

I am very well aware that I am complaining about a job that many people would aspire to and that is soooo much better than many jobs out there. But I am not inspired. I work with people who see to delight in the process, where as I am result oriented. Meetings to plan meetings.... My own personal hell.

I am older than you and my DS is 20 now. I had some problems TTC, in no small part due to a demanding job and loads of travel. Top tip, you need to be in the same country to conceive! However, once I did get pregnant and have a child, I found that I had much more clarity about what I needed to feel fulfilled. I changed jobs, actually managing to get a much higher paid job that meant I could work 3 says a week for the same pay . So my advice is to think big and bold about what you want.

I resigned from my job last week. The boredom, frustration, anxiety about not meeting my own standards was too toxic for me. I have a very supportive DH who understands that I am deeply unhappy in the job. My notice period will be an ordeal, but that will end! I am only looking for jobs that I think will engage my brain properly. I am a person who outside work bubbles with enthusiasm and energy and I am not going to let the malaise that my current job invokes take a hold. And there are others who will embrace the job and all those meetings that just break my soul!

I have friends who have to do everything the same in the relationship. Same working hours, same time on hobbies, same spends . Sounds great in theory but in reality there is so much competitiveness and resentment and point scoring and for no real benefit. There is more than one way to skin a cat and there is more to success and life than pushing through and work. I hope you can find a way through this that you both are OK with.