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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS won't sleep in his cot - AIBU to be annoyed with partner?

26 replies

emoti · 19/08/2021 19:09

DS is 8 months old, last week he wouldn't sleep and kept crying as he had a bit of an upset stomach, DP then put him in our bed, he now won't sleep in his cot, whenever we put him in it, he cries but settles straight away when he's in our bed.

I don't want to get into the habit of co sleeping, as I can't sleep with DS in between us.

AIBU to be annoyed with DP?

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/08/2021 19:12

Yanbu to be frustrated but really, DP just did what he thought would comfort ds the most at the time when he was in pain. So you need to find a way to let this go.

Options are (1) let dp and ds cosleep and you sleep elsewhere (2) tackle the cot sleeping together (3) tell dp to tackle it (unlikely to work if he likes cosleeping with his son) (4) stick with what it's like now and try again in a week or two.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/08/2021 19:12

Sorry I've assumed DP is Male- my bad. I see you didnt say.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/08/2021 19:13

Well it sounded like he needed comfort, when kids are ill its normal that they won't sleep alone. It was probably that or be up comforting him every hour. Unless he has a bed in his room for one of you to go in and sleep with him when he needs it, then YABU

FigureOfSpeeh · 19/08/2021 19:14

It might just be till he feels better then he will be happy in the cot again perhaps he’s not feeling 100% still? If you don’t want to do sleep keep trying the cot I’m sure he will get used to it again.

I’ve coslept with all my children from birth - 2/3 years and I think your Dh was probably just trying his best and being responsive to what is likely a temporary need due to illness I wouldn’t be annoyed if you can help it he probably meant well

CrazyNeighbour · 19/08/2021 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mamamamasaurus · 19/08/2021 19:16

I say this kindly,sleep deprivation is brutal. It strikes me that you're at the point where you're desperate for sleep and that is manifesting itself into blaming your DP. I'm sure DP did 'the right thing at the time' and now it feels like it's biting you on the arse. I get it. I've been there.

Try to take some deep breaths and a step back from the situation. You've got this, even if it feels like you don't.

poullou · 19/08/2021 19:18

I don't know anybody who has gotten through parenting without sharing a bed with their child at some stage. When they're ill, they want comfort and a couple of nights cosleeping will not mean that the child will become a cot refuser.

DysmalRadius · 19/08/2021 19:18

There was no way of knowing that your son would refuse his cot as a result of sleeping in your bed once, so, as frustrating as it must be, I do think YABU. I hope you can sort it soon though!

Flowerlane · 19/08/2021 19:20

Yabu. Where was you when your son slept in your bed? Why did you not say something at the time if you was unhappy about it?
One night when a child is unwell is not a big thing.

icedcoffees · 19/08/2021 19:20

Hmm, I think it's understandable that you find it annoying but it's not necessarily DP's fault.

Many children won't sleep/settle alone when they're unwell. Your DP did what they thought was right in order for everyone to get some sleep!

Original poster
emoti · 19/08/2021 19:29

@CrazyNeighbour

Course your being unreasonable.

If you want him in the cot then you stay with him and comfort him and do without sleep. You expected your partner to do the hard job whilst you stayed in bed.

No.

I didn't just ‘stay in bed’, I was also trying to get DS to sleep.
OP posts:
Florencenotflo · 19/08/2021 19:30

Yeah I'm the one that did this with dd2. In fairness I do 95% of night wakings (DH works shifts so is either working, on call or catching up from being on nights) and it got to a point that I was so frigging tired, that actually, putting her in with me/us meant she slept. Which meant I slept. Which meant I wasn't biting everyone's heads off and being a bitch the next day.

It was a phase. When she'd gone through her sleep regression or teething we started again with settling her back in her own bed. She got used to it again.

Sleep and issues around sleep are probably the only things DH and I have disagreed on.

NoSquirrels · 19/08/2021 19:32

Try not to apportion blame - no matter how sleep-deprived and irritated you are. It never helps.

Work together on a solution.

Fwiw, babies change their behaviour all the time anyway and sometimes it’s no one’s fault, just a developmental phase. Try to roll with it.

shouldistop · 19/08/2021 19:32

Did you offer a solution for getting your poorly baby to settle then?

Whenever either of mine have been unwell they've slept with me, when they're well they've no issues sleeping in their beds / cot by themselves.

SilverTimpani · 19/08/2021 19:38

YABU. You left partner was doing what they could to help your baby sleep in the moment. They couldn’t know it would lead to your baby always wanting to be in bed. You’re expecting your partner to have a perfect ability to predict the future, which is too high an expectation.

Your baby will get used to their cot again. They’re at a notoriously fussy age where things change all the time. Just sit tight and wait for this phase to pass.

54321nought · 19/08/2021 19:41

YABU, partner did as they felt best at the time. YOur son is only 8 months. Over the next 20 years you will often find doing what you think best at the time has unforseen consequences. If you get through the next 2 decades without making one single slip up, that could not be forseen, then you will be entitled to be annoyed with your partner over this

Planetsandstars · 19/08/2021 19:43

There is a very strong bias towards co sleeping on here but I sympathise with the OP as I’ve never successfully done it either.

YANBU.

LittleMG · 19/08/2021 19:44

This is a constant battle, kid is ill and sleeps in your bed, kid gets better and won’t sleep in cot. And it does on. YABU your partner was trying to comfort your baby and get some rest. It’s not their fault it happens to everyone.

Flickeringgreenlight · 19/08/2021 19:45

This is more common than perhaps you think. Children, especially small babies get very clingy when ill and need lot of attention and comfort. What normally happens is that they come to bed with you so everyone can sleep or at least have the best shot at sleeping. Once babies are better, they may need to get used to sleeping in their usual sleeping place again. It really is that simple. It's very challenging when they are poorly and not at all unusual that they will only settle when in close contact to their parents. So on that basis, YABU for being annoyed with your DP.

gamerchick · 19/08/2021 19:46

A solution could be you and bloke sleep apart and one of you cosleeps.

Babies like a body to snuggle up to.

CabbagesGreen · 19/08/2021 19:49

8 months is a funny time for sleep.
I wouldn't blame your DP though they did what they thought was best.

AliasGrape · 19/08/2021 19:51

Please don’t sleep with DS between you - that’s not safe co-sleeping, even if you don’t want to do it long term it might be worth looking up how to do it safely for just in case.

Honestly I was the one who started DD in bed with us/ me when she was tiny and there just wasn’t another way to get any sleep. We coslept until she was 1 and I felt like she’d never settle in her cot, but she did and she does, it didn’t take very long to make the switch either once she was ready for it.

You might need to go back a step eg to rocking him to sleep before putting in the cot (swaying, holding, whatever works for you) or at least until he’s calm and then putting him down? Might take a few attempts but if he’s always slept in his cot ok before there’s no
reason he shouldn’t again just because he had a few nights in bed when he was ill.

Justgettingbye · 19/08/2021 20:01

I've never had mine in my bed. I'd rather have broken sleep to settle them back in their own cot, me and DP don't want to cosleep so I get where you are coming from.

Although communication at the time should have been done so it was clear what you did and didn't want to do.

Cleverpolly3 · 19/08/2021 20:03

It is NOT safe to have an eight month baby in between two tired parents

Either go back to trying the cot and what ensues or sleep on your own with the baby safely

hernamewas · 19/08/2021 20:56

I'm sure you're tired but you sound really cold Confused