Told a mother

[CelesteW]

Hi everyone,
For context I recently gave birth to my youngest, I have two older children, one of whom is about to take the Kent Test. I recently opened up to some mothers from my child's school about feeling overwhelmed with 11 plus preparation. I didn't want her to revise all the time, and encouraged her to have a proper rest over the summer. Another mum turned around and said that I've "let my daughter down" and "ruined her chances of getting into a decent school" AIBU for telling her she was insensitive?

You probably shouldn't have mentioned anything, discussing choices like that with people who have kids the same age is asking for trouble. There will always be someone who made a different choice and take your decisions as a personal insult.

We're preparing for an 11+ too, however, I've taken the 'relaxed' approach. I know there are parents who will feel this is terrible, but if my child has to study non stop in order to get a place in the school, I don't think the school is for him (how will he continue to cope?).

The mother was insensitive. I've read post after post about these poor children studying non stop. A few recent posts about kids having breakdowns and now parents don't know whether sitting the test is a good idea at all.

I'm sure you've done a great job

She really shouldn't have given her opinion on your parenting,no. The dope.

@LittleMissGossip totally agree with you. Tutoring a child to extremes to scrape through an exam and thus condemning the child to 5 years of clinging on and feeling that they’re ‘behind’ all the time is not good parenting in my view.

That was very bold of her.

We all have different approaches to our kids education. I either nod along with mums who are doing things differently to me or just tell them my approach. I wouldn’t criticise anyone else’s choices.

Plus I agree with a previous poster - the test should show your child’s capability - a true reflection. Lots of revision won’t show that unless you plan on keeping up the same level of revision all the time!

She was out of order - it's none of her business. Unfortunately, though, this is what you get in grammar schools - they attract a disproportionate number of pushy parents, so you're likely to encounter a lot more of these if your DD gets in. Just ignore them!

I agree. I went to a Kent Grammar school and all the kids who had been to prep schools (pretty much exclusively to prepare them for the 11 plus) were brilliant in year 7 but by GCSE were largely foundering and struggled to get the grades to stay on for A Levels.

I was the opposite having scraped through the 11 plus as my parents were not interested, struggled in the grammar school but by GCSE was top set.

There is definitely a balance between helping your kids (I was very lucky I passed without any practice) and coaching them to such an extent its literally a waste of time.

You may not be happy with her response, but you invited her to say what she thinks by opening up in the first place 🤷‍♀️

She was completely out of order. I have to grammar educated children and the parents who over prep and prey on others insecurities are as much of a problem as the horribly unfair exams they still use. Your child gets one summer a year, enjoy it.

*two

Oh I know this feeling so well! Just remember, just as every child is different, every parent's approach is too. Only YOU know what's right for her. Just focus in the last few weeks in keeping her well rested, and try to ensure the prep she does is FUN. Like @LittleMissGossip says, I've read posts about kids having breakdowns! Make up multiplication/comprehension/verbal GAMES, or use online platforms like Atom which my daughter is somehow convinced IS a game

Rookie mistake. NEVER discuss anything like secondary school choices or 11+ prep etc with other mums whose children are in the same year. It never ends well.

The mum concerned will probably end up with a snowflake child who cannot cope with normal setbacks, if her response is anything to go by.

Ugh. I stay out of all conversations about this. My daughter is in year 5 and several of her class have been in tutoring for the 11plus since year 2. When my eldest was year 5 I asked another mum if they were going away in the summer, she looked shocked and said of course not Jack* has 11 plus study to do.

All my kids have done the grammar entrance tests with no tutoring and just a little home study. Eldest got in, middle didn't. We will see how daughter does but we've totalled about 90mins of prep so far...

Incidentally eldest DS's friend who didn't have a summer holiday so he could study didn't pass the test, and is very happy and doing well at a local comp...

She was insensitive but may have felt that you were too (it’s easy to read what you said as a judgment against pushing children harder).

I agree with your approach btw... it just might be better to avoid this subject with people who might be making different decisions than you.