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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU Not attending family wedding

21 replies

lilyquartz11 · 19/08/2021 14:42

Accepted invite initially.

We were provided with menu choices couple of weeks before the wedding and told to get in touch with caterers directly with any dietary requirements.

They could not guarantee that I would not be exposed to allergen (life threatening) and could not offer alternative. AIBU for not attending on this basis only? I would feel v. miserable watching people have a lovely meal I could not have.

Venue in the middle of nowhere so nowhere to pop out for a quick meal.

OP posts:

InDubiousBattle · 19/08/2021 14:48

Can they really not provide an alternative meal? It's not as though allergies are very uncommon is it? Do the bride and groom realise that their caterers can't accommodate an allergy? Whilst they (the caterers) sound a bit shit I would probably still attend if I was close to the couple.

MeredithGreyishblue · 19/08/2021 14:52

Depends how close you are to the couple.
I'd possibly slip a tupperware into my bag and eat when everyone else did if we were close friends. I'd make it work 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you're not bothered about the rest of the day, don't go. Tbh, the food is the last reason I'd pick to go to a wedding.

MeredithGreyishblue · 19/08/2021 14:53

If it's a life threatening allergy , I'm guessing it isnt the first time you've come up against similar. What do you usually do?

Fizzgigg · 19/08/2021 14:55

I've been known to bring my own food to weddings on similar circumstances. I asked the caterers to pop it in the microwave for me

drpet49 · 19/08/2021 14:57

* If it's a life threatening allergy , I'm guessing it isnt the first time you've come up against similar. What do you usually do?*

^This

CurbsideProphet · 19/08/2021 14:57

If the bride / groom are a close friend or relative I would let them know and discuss options, even if you need to take a meal in tupperware that is heated. It depends on whether you really want to be there / if the bride and groom would want to find a solution that ensures you attend.

EileenGC · 19/08/2021 14:59

One of my best friends has such an allergy - it’s not about the ingredient per se, but the fact that nothing can come into contact with it. Not a single knife unless it’s been washed with veeery hot water, cooking utensils have to be completely different and foods that need frying/other cooking process need to be done completely apart.

It’s almost as if two kitchens were needed, effectively - unless you get a chef/catering company who can be clever and devise a plan that allows their food to be safe.

We’ve been to many weddings, graduations and other events where she couldn’t eat anything. If close to the couple and a fairly relaxed wedding, I’d put some food in a Tupperware and go anyway. Depends on how much you want to enjoy it or if you’d feel stressed eating your own food.

Original poster

lilyquartz11 · 19/08/2021 15:02

Not close to the couple at all. Never met the groom, and not saw the bride for few years. Invited only because we are related. But had been wanting to go as parents and siblings attending.

@InDubiousBattle it’s being catered by a small business and they have just point blank said they can’t provide certainty.

@MeredithGreyishblue I normally avoid anywhere that can’t provide confidence surrounding what’s in their food. Holidays are normally spent eating in resort and avoid takeaways and only eat in a couple of restaurants. This would be the third wedding I’ve been to but the other 2 were able to make sure the meal was safe.

OP posts:

hopeishere · 19/08/2021 15:09

Can you just bring your own food? Or is even proximity enough to trigger?

MeredithGreyishblue · 19/08/2021 15:13

If they can't do anything about it and you're not close, your options are to take your own food or not go. Or go and starve.

Unless you want one of us to pop over with your lunch, I'm not sure what else anyone can suggest!

Take a sandwich, have fun, see your family! Dance lots. We've missed out on too much recently.

Dogoodfeelgood · 19/08/2021 15:16

I would take a takeaway from one of the three restaurants you are safe to eat at and ask caterers to heat it up for you in its container, and then get the rest of your calories from the (presumably) free wedding champagne!

ANameChangeAgain · 19/08/2021 15:17

Your hosts will be paying a lot of money for your meal. You need to let then know that the caterers aren't doing what they are being paid for. If you go tell them not to pay for your food as you have been told by the caterers that you must provide your own.

OrtolanVeil · 19/08/2021 15:21

Of course it's a shame you can't eat the same as everyone else but I wouldn't get arsey with the bride and groom... take a lovely packed lunch full of treats and enjoy letting your hair down with your family!

Miliao · 19/08/2021 15:48

I think you’re being unreasonable. That kind of allergy is a huge risk to a small company, they might not have the space/knowledge to cater for that and are being completely honest. I think it’s commendable of them to tell you straight up - they obviously don’t want to kill you! The meal is such a small part of the wedding. I think you’re being a tad dramatic saying you’ll be ‘miserable’ watching people eat one meal. If it was me (having family with this kind of life-threatening allergy), I wouldn’t have said anything in the first place and just taken my own snacks. If a family member wouldn’t come to my wedding over a bit of mass cooked chicken and veg, then I’d be ‘miserable’!!

RedHelenB · 19/08/2021 15:50

I would pack a lovely picnic for myself and go.

thing47 · 19/08/2021 15:55

I think you need to separate your (justified) annoyance about the catering from your feelings about the wedding.

You are completely reasonable to think it is rubbish that the caterers can't provide the assurances you need, these days that is surely routine for any company doing mass catering at an event. If I were the bride, I would certainly want to know that my caterers are being so unhelpful.

But if you were really looking forward to going, and to seeing your parents and siblings and having a good time, I wouldn't let the food situation stop you – take your own or have some before/after depending on timing.

CurbsideProphet · 19/08/2021 15:58

Oh I see, probably a cousin wedding. I rarely see my cousins too, but we all invite to weddings etc.

Make arrangements with the catering company to bring your own and have them heat in the microwave? Obviously not ideal, but better than not going?

PotteringAlong · 19/08/2021 15:59

Just take your own.

fourandnomore · 19/08/2021 16:02

The meal is only a tiny part of the day in terms of what you will actually be eating, just take a packed lunch and enjoy it at the same time. ESP if you’d have had a different meal anyway. Surely you’ve watched many a meal being eaten without you and I know that is a bit depressing in general (certainly been there!) but you could have a lovely day otherwise. I spent a whole 5 day conference unable to eat anything once but I still managed to enjoy it and socialise. To say no to going at all because of a dinner would be hurtful I think and also pretty dramatic. A wedding is not about the food.

Jerseygirl12 · 19/08/2021 16:24

I’d go and take a mini posh picnic.

Ilovecaviar · 19/08/2021 16:35

Utterly frustrating and a complete cop out on the catering front. Personally I would tell the bride so that she knows not to pay at least, if she decides to have a word with them about it that’s up to her.
I would definitely still go and take your own meal that doesn’t need heating up. If anyone asks just explain that the caterers couldn’t provide you a meal due to your allergy. Have fun!

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