for feeling upset for not having some financial security in a 20+ year relationship?

[Jess444]

AIBU for feeling upset for not having some financial security in a 20+ year relationship?

I moved to the UK and left everything behind for love, my first love. My boyfriend had a company and his own house, could not speak my native language so I stopped my university course, moved and started working for his company. All was well. Two years later, I got pregnant unexpectedly. He (and his family) wanted me to abort but I didn’t. Our son is turning 18 this year. Four years later our second son was born. He was planned but also the last time we ever had sex again. My boyfriend seems to lose all interest in me romantically. Over the years, I tried to discuss it but he seemed to be again not interested. Although we remained a good parental team, I felt very lonely at times but tried to put my focus on the boys’ needs.

Moving forward and now being together for 22 years. Unmarried … I was hopeful a few times he’d ask but after waiting patiently, I gave up on that thought altogether a long time ago.

This month, I discuss the difficult topic of what would happen if one of us dies suddenly. I lost a dear friend of mine who was younger than me to Covid so it’s been playing on my mind. I can’t describe how hurt I felt finding out there is absolutely nothing in place for me. I don’t have the right to stay in the house; I don’t have any rights within the company (according to the accountant my shares have no value). Basically, I will be left with nothing and no rights to anything as he took control of all financial matters and I trusted him. I never asked for anything and now I feel like a complete fool. He seems to find it ok and tells me he’s sure the boys will look after me. That’s not the point though is it?

The last weeks have been a complete emotional rollercoaster. I am so upset and can't sleep. I now started questioning our relationship, our future, my future. I feel let down by him, by myself. I invested so much in us, in the company and for what?

He says I am over-reacting, grumpy and should focus on the positives we have.

This is exactly what happens when you have children when you're not married, I'm afraid. People who say marriage is just a bit of paper don't seem to realise that that bit of paper is a legal financial contract.

I would be looking at a way out and I'd be prepared to stay with him until I was in a position to go.

That sounds awful. Perhaps speak to a lawyer? He should put you on his will, what a cruel thing not to do. Could you get a job and, with mortgage, buy a small property that you rent out? Once it's paid off it'll be your retirement property. Also, have you claimed child benefit etc in your name? You'll need to check what your national insurance contributions have been. You need around 30 years' worth to get the state pension.

Sorry to hear you are going though this OP.

But have you only just started thinking about your future? Despite him not having SEx with you since your second child which is well over 14 years ago? Shouldn't that have made you think?

Its not about sex but its about the lack of empathy or support he has for you. When you love you protect you provide, he doesn't seem to have any of those qualities. Its probably about time you think of this as the end of your relationship and look to move forward without this guy who basically used you to build his business.

I'm really sorry, OP. Sadly, this is exactly why, in so many many cases, marriage does matter and is indeed a measure of commitment. It IS a commitment. Not the best option for everyone, of course, but there's a reason it endures and exists in some form in pretty much every culture.

You can't rely on him so I think your best bet is to seek legal advice on what options you have. I don't see how your shares in the company can't have any value if the business is successful?

Good luck.

Thank you. I asked about a will but he hasn't got one. He said it would go to the boys equally by law. Child benefit has been the only income i had and that's always gone to the boys for shoes, uniform etc.

I do contribute NI but no idea how much, certainly not 30 years yet worth. I will look into this, thank you. Yes, I do feel I should look at getting a job asap but i don't have the funds to buy anything sadly.

What a shit he is!

How old are you and do you work now?

You should get a job ASAP, anything at all and have your wages paid into your own account. Looking alone won’t give you any security. If you’ve been working for him you must have transferable skills.

I’m not sure how it’s lasted this long tbh, why have you put up with no marriage, no financial openness and no sex for so long?

You need to make plans to get out ASAP. A job will make a big difference.

You can’t trust him, you never could and he’s happy for you to stay incredibly insecure in your current life.

Have you paid towards the mortgage and household improvements? You might be able to claim a modest share of the equity although you'll have quite a fight for it. If it's not a big chunk it might not be worth the legal fees.

If you separate now he will have to pay child maintenance(though if he's classed as self employed he can fiddle the figures. He doesn't have to include dividends either.)

Would you consider getting a different job? Because if you split he may still just you from your current role.

If I was you I would first get another job, then tell him you are considering ending the relationship because of his lack of regard for you and your need to have a home that is your own. You need to be prepared for him to say "ok then" i.e. Its not a bluff calling exercise. He might however be sufficiently awoken to the idea that he is better off staying in the relationship and will offer what you want. However I really wouldn't bank on this not least because you haven't had a sexual relationship for 14 years.

Would you be able to afford your own home? Would the boys stay with you if you split?

Assume if he supports you financially, and he died, you’d be able to make a claim with the inheritance act. Not easy if it would be vs your dc.

@AnneLovesGilbert

You should get a job ASAP, anything at all and have your wages paid into your own account. Looking alone won’t give you any security. If you’ve been working for him you must have transferable skills.

I’m not sure how it’s lasted this long tbh, why have you put up with no marriage, no financial openness and no sex for so long?

You need to make plans to get out ASAP. A job will make a big difference.

You can’t trust him, you never could and he’s happy for you to stay incredibly insecure in your current life.

I have plenty of transferable skills so I am positive I can find another job. Thank you for your advice. It really helps to focus, something i have found really difficult over the last few weeks.

@honeylulu

Have you paid towards the mortgage and household improvements? You might be able to claim a modest share of the equity although you'll have quite a fight for it. If it's not a big chunk it might not be worth the legal fees.

If you separate now he will have to pay child maintenance(though if he's classed as self employed he can fiddle the figures. He doesn't have to include dividends either.)

Would you consider getting a different job? Because if you split he may still just you from your current role.

If I was you I would first get another job, then tell him you are considering ending the relationship because of his lack of regard for you and your need to have a home that is your own. You need to be prepared for him to say "ok then" i.e. Its not a bluff calling exercise. He might however be sufficiently awoken to the idea that he is better off staying in the relationship and will offer what you want. However I really wouldn't bank on this not least because you haven't had a sexual relationship for 14 years.

Would you be able to afford your own home? Would the boys stay with you if you split?

No, I have paid zero bills except my own mobile bills. He's acting as normal I really don't think he's taking my feelings seriously.

I have always been embarrassed about not having a sexual relationship, always wondered if it was me. But I realise now that's not the case.

No, I can't afford to buy a place but with some help, I could rent a small apartment to start with. The boys have always been my priority, i would need to hear how they feel.

I can't

Sorry op, what a situation. Well know you know where you stand with him. You do need to take responsibility for your role here, you can't dump this on him. You are responsible for yourself but didn't take any steps to do so...in 20 years. I hope that you do wake up and see him for the person he is and take control of your life. It is not acceptable how he has treated you, but at the same time it's not acceptable how you allowed yourself to be in this position. The first step would be to get back to work asap.

Can you start saving all your income towards a flat deposit?

You can check exactly how much National Insurance you have paid per year on www.gov.uk

You will need 35 qualifying years to receive a full state UK pension, you can check your own pension forecast on www.gov.uk

Have you paid into a private pension ?

Get your shares in his company valued & sell them

Get a new job, not working with your partner

Look on Citizens Advice & Money Saving Expert websites to see what the legal difference between single & married are

Do you both have wills ?