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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

text/whatsapp msgs

21 replies

lovenotwar149 · 19/08/2021 11:14

I am repeatedly finding I am getting upset at not receiving replies from text msgs and such like. AIBU? Recent examples are...
1.) Texted a friend Y'DAY to ask if they were free for a walk/coffee. Received a reply today with a polite no and that they were busy today.
2.) Called and then texted a friend saying I was calling for a chat. He replied 4 days later albeit polite enough with an apology too saying they were busy.
3.) texted and called my niece 2wks ago...still no reply.

In the modern age of mobile phones etc where ppl are looking at their phones numerous times a day, I am pretty sure these ppl have seen these msgs. My thoughts are "I'm being ignored" which doesn't feel nice.
Is the solution to change my thoughts? any comments would be appreciated.thanks!

OP posts:

Original poster

lovenotwar149 · 19/08/2021 11:15

Do others get upset about this??

OP posts:

LittleBearPad · 19/08/2021 11:17

There are days when I look at my phone a lot and other days when I don’t. People are busy, they also think they’ll reply later and then forget. I’d try not to let it impact your mood.

OlympicProcrastinator · 19/08/2021 11:18

I would be upset by that too OP. While I don’t think people need to reply straight away, replying a day later just to say they are busy without suggesting another time, appears as if you are not important in their lives.

Notimeforaname · 19/08/2021 11:25

No I couldn't get upset. People have a lot going on. My best friend of 20+ years fell out with me for a few weeks because I saw and didn't reply to a txt. how dare I be busy/otherwise engaged.

It just makes you look a little self obsessed and demanding of people's time. It's a choice to respond when they want. Not an obligation.

Skybluepinkgiraffe · 19/08/2021 11:25

I've noticed that most people have a pattern in how they use messaging. Some are always quick to respond and others are not. One particularly fraught friend has set phone not to receive text communication notifications but goes into the app to look at them at his convenience.

I do think the immediate nature of messaging has made it so that we can end up feeling ignored, whereas previously you'd phone someone at home and they were either available to answer or they weren't.
I'm sorry you're feeling like this

NothingIcando · 19/08/2021 11:27

Perhaps fill your time with more things or distract yourself after you call and they don't answer.

Don't send follow up texts to explain you called.

People do this with me and it makes me pull away. I know plenty of others who feel the same way.
Leave them to it. They will respond when they can/want to. As per their right.
.

Original poster

lovenotwar149 · 19/08/2021 11:27

Thank you. "I'd try not to let it impact your mood." Excellent advice...that is exactly my plan, I am working on it.

"appears as if you are not important in their lives". that is spot on how I feel when I don't get a reply, esp when it is I am busy with no suggestion for another time.

I know I can't control anyone else's behaviour , only my own. I use an affirmation ..." I am nice to other not because they are nice but because I am."
Idk...I am struggling with this for sure, thanks again :)

OP posts:

54321nought · 19/08/2021 11:29

In the modern age of mobile phones etc where ppl are looking at their phones numerous times a day, I am pretty sure these ppl have seen these msgs.

maybe, maybe not - but just because you have the capability to intrude on their live at will does not mean you have the right to control if and when they read or reply to you.

None of these seem a long time for a reply to me - people have every right to reply at their own convenience, or not at all.

Notimeforaname · 19/08/2021 11:30

I am nice to other not because they are nice but because I am.
Idk...I am struggling with this for sure

It's a great way to think op. I've had to teach myself this and constantly remind myself of this.

Original poster

lovenotwar149 · 19/08/2021 11:30

"Its a choice to respond when they want, not an obligation. a little self obsessed." Ouch! But ii think I needed to hear that! Thank you

OP posts:

TakeYourFinalPosition · 19/08/2021 11:32

I use my phone loads for work. If I start replying to personal messages on it, I get distracted and end up having to work really late.

Within 24 hours is fine, I think. I’d have cringed a bit if I’d left a message for four days but it’s understandable. The two week old message… I don’t think you’re getting a reply to that. Maybe your niece has forgotten, or didn’t think it was that important? That ones a bit rough, but I’d try not to read too much into it.

It’s far more likely that people are busy and it’s nothing at all personal, then that they’re purposefully ignoring your messages.

FlibbertigibbetArmadillo · 19/08/2021 11:34

Sometimes I get a message, read it, think I'll reply to that later, either no time then, need to look at diary about plans, want some time to consider my response. Then things get in the way and I forget, as the notification has gone.

Original poster

lovenotwar149 · 19/08/2021 11:36

is there a way to reply to an individual msg I can't seem to figure it out, rather than at the end which is what I am doing?

OP posts:

Original poster

lovenotwar149 · 19/08/2021 11:38

No taking it personally is what I will work on!

OP posts:

BareVanilla · 19/08/2021 11:42

My phone is constantly on airplane mode as I work in a studio and can’t risk vibration noises or ringing. I also do this when I’m out with friends and family. Once I turn it back on it can sometimes take a long time for all the messages to come through and then I’ll either prioritise or ignore until I’m alone to reply.

You text or ring me then you’re invading my space and no I don’t feel obligated to reply to you.

If it’s a text arrangements for today then of course I’ll endeavour to reply quickly and I always check phone in case you’re texting/calling.

What makes me cross is friends who when in my company constantly use their phone but don’t offer the same courtesy to me even when it’s something more urgent. I guess that’s the price I willingly pay to keep some boundaries.

hullaballoo19 · 19/08/2021 11:56

I often don't reply to messages for a while. I hate worrying that people will think I'm ignoring them and try to not open messages so they at least don't show as read because I expect people to definitely think I'm ignoring if it says I've seen the message. Sometimes I'm not sure what to reply or don't fancy making plans but don't like to say no so want to wait until I feel like making plans to see someone. Most of the time I feel like I don't have the mental energy to think of a response. It's never because I don't care about the person and I always feel guilty about it. And I'm always conscious if I haven't replied to a message and then I'm on fb for example and know that the person might think 'oh well they've got time to go on fb', it's pretty crap to feel the weight of obligation to everyone 🙁

Original poster

lovenotwar149 · 19/08/2021 12:21

Oh my hullaballoo19!! What a lot of anxiety! I am googling "how to stop getting upset when ppl don't reply to text msgs". Very interesting.My thoughts/feelings are shared by many it seems. I am absolutely determined to crack this one. I am committed to directing my energies elsewhere now, I have spent too long upsetting myself on this matter. It isn't serving me well at all.

I quote.....

My first instinct is to assume that I did something wrong. I start having thoughts like ‘I guess I’m not that great’ or ‘do they even like me?’ At times, I reread the texts I send and critique myself. I’ve had anxiety attacks after glancing at read receipts and seeing that the other person opened my text message. This is unhealthy behavior.

And....

The result is the sense that everyone could get back to you immediately, if they wanted to—and the anxiety that follows when they don’t. But the paradox of this age of communication is that this anxiety is the price of convenience. People are happy to make the trade to gain the ability to respond whenever they feel like it.

There's much more. It's reassuring to me personally that there are in fact so many articles on the matter.

Enough!
"I am nice to other people not because other ppl are nice but because I am. I am nice to other ppl not because they are nice (they may or may not be) but because I am."

Thanks guys!! :) I'm already feeling better!

OP posts:

MolyHolyGuacamole · 19/08/2021 14:25

I have mixed feelings on this. I find it rude when you're asking a question like 'do you still want to meet up on Friday/what time' so that I can plan my week and it's left on read. I find that this tends to be a regular thing with certain friends as opposed to a one off, so I'd consider that a trait that needs working on, it takes less than a minute to respond.

On the other hand, I find talking on the phone mentally taxing in my free time as I'm usually doing something, even if it's just reading or watching TV at the need of workday when I want to unwind, so I won't answer. I'll send a message to the person saying let's arrange a time for a proper catch up. Again, it's the usual 2/3 people that do this, and one of them in particular is quite draining on the phone as they suffer with mental health issues and go round and round in circles about the same things. So I need to choose the time I can talk to them properly and give them the support that they need.

DoylyCarte · 19/08/2021 14:46

Over recent times with phones/social media this 24/7 availability to contact and immediate expectations of response is something I find ultra stressful; I’m not very good at being constantly available or in the right headspace to answer straight away, especially if - for any reason - you don’t want to have a conversation and it feels worse to reply then not engage with any convo/q’s that arises, so it’s just not answered.

Plus unless I reply immediately I easily just forget and then spend ages meaning to reply, then it becomes a weird chore that’s being put off. (Sometimes for weeks )

I’m a massive hypocrite as on the other hand if I don’t get a quick reply I’m paranoid 😂 - although never show this as I know I’m the same, it’s pathetic really!

I hate this whole instacomms expectation - it’s nice and freeing to not be always poised ready to reply so I try and apply this freedom to others (without being offended) as I myself am of this ilk (& often offend as a result)!

LemonFantaGin · 19/08/2021 14:52

My phone isn't in my hand constantly, sometimes I go days without looking at messages, not because I don't love the people messaging me, I just don't want to be tied to my phone constantly, its draining.

Sometimes I completely miss messages and find them weeks later.

I fond people do the same to me and its fine, I don't expect a reply instantly, if I did, Id call.

hullaballoo19 · 19/08/2021 18:02

@lovenotwar149 I know, I am generally an anxious person as well 😂 and I feel a great deal of obligation to everyone in my life, which can be quite draining. I hate seeming rude and I do reply promptly to people if we have prearranged plans.

Agree with a lot of what @DoylyCarte said as well. I do get feeling worried that someone doesn't care, or that they're upset with you or something. But I think most of the time it's more about the person who's not replying than it is about anything you did 😊 perhaps they are being rude, but also perfectly likely that they're just a bit busy or overwhelmed etc. I think if someone still makes the effort to see you and you enjoy each others company when you do then things are probably fine.

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