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Original poster

There's a hole in the bucket....help me help DH with his slight hoarder tendencies

31 replies

FortunesFave · 19/08/2021 01:08

We live in a two storey house in Australia. Like many houses of this style, the downstairs area is more of a US style....in that our bedrooms, sitting room, kitchen and bathroom are all upstairs. Downstairs is a converted garage area....looks like what the Americans might call an unfinished basement.

It's got bare brick walls but is carpeted...it's a useful space potentially because there's also a shower room and a laundry room down there and in summer, it's cool.

HOWEVER. DH has filled half of it up with absolute shite. He gets distressed when I try to help organise it or make suggestions about it.

I can't live like this....I've just managed to get him to throw out a broken dishwasher, a broken TV and an old juicer....plus two chewed yoga mats.

But there's boxes of...bits...you know, a box with random crap in them...and other stuff....two bikes, tools...

He has a shed outside...a good one...but in that is a pool table that's blocking up the area so he can't tidy it to put the shit in it.

The pool table is old...and it's broken on one of the legs and it's slate...massively heavy and dangerous. I've suggested taking a fucking axe to it so we can destroy it in situe and then move the pieces but he's clammed up again.

We can't pick it up between us....it needs three or four men. I suggested paying 4 of DD's mates to do it...they're 18 year old lads....but no. He doesn't want to pay anything.

I don't know what to DO anymore. The second issue is that one of the dogs has fleas...we have two dogs and they live downstairs so that area needs cleaning and bombing...but how can I do that when there's his SHIT EVERYWHERE!??

Please advise.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2021 01:20

Sorry, op, but you have a massive uphill battle ahead of you. Hoarders/people with hoarders tendencies, are almost impossible to reason with. He already knows how upset this mess is making you and he still refuses to do anything about it. That doesn't bode well, I'm afraid.

Personally, I would be taking matters into my own hands at this point because I would refuse to live like this.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 19/08/2021 02:00

@Aquamarine1029

Sorry, op, but you have a massive uphill battle ahead of you. Hoarders/people with hoarders tendencies, are almost impossible to reason with. He already knows how upset this mess is making you and he still refuses to do anything about it. That doesn't bode well, I'm afraid.

Personally, I would be taking matters into my own hands at this point because I would refuse to live like this.

Yes, I've just put some things out on the pavement and posted that they're free to collect on Facebook....next, if he doesn't sort the pool table today, I'm going to enlist a bunch of DD's big mates and get them to do it for a payment.

They're all poor students so hopefully will be happy to make a bit of cash.

OP posts:
lljkk · 19/08/2021 02:27

carpet is breeding place for fleas, too.

picture, OP? There are charities & professionals that help with hoarding problems. Dunno how much they can help mid-Lockdown. Could you get him to watch one of the tv programmes & see himself at all in them?

Myrighteyeball · 19/08/2021 02:31

OP you could also put a photo of the pool table on FB (the 'Buy Nothing' page for your suburb or local selling pages perhaps) and say it's broken and free if removed by the 'buyer'. The valuable part of the table is the slate so if that is unbroken you might get lucky and have someone take it off your hands for you.

Once the pool table is gone and there's room in the shed - then as to the rest of his stuff, my suggestion is harsh and may not be suitable for your relationship. I told my husband (who has similar hoarding tendencies) that he had 2 weeks to remove anything he wanted to keep from the 'junk room' to our dedicated storage area and store it neatly and safely on the shelving (I use the storage area too, so it was important to me that it was neat/safely stored) and after that I was doing a dump run with anything left in the room. He didn't sort it, and I went through it myself on a day when he wasn't there and threw everything of nil value out (broken stuff he was 'going to fix', old magazines he was 'going to read' etc). He was relieved I think, never mentioned it again - I think the task of dealing with his accumulated junk is just too big for him (he has some executive processing issues). As I say though, YMMV especially if the hoarding is a response to trauma.

The most important thing - don't argue, don't explain, don't apologise. Your need for hygiene and order is just as important as his need to avoid sorting out his stuff. More so in your case, as he has a shed to put it in. And when he starts putting stuff in the garage area again, immediately move it to the shed without recourse to him or it will get out of control again.

Myrighteyeball · 19/08/2021 02:33

I hate having to deal with his mess as I think he should handle it like and adult - but I recognise he has executive functioning issues and it's the price I pay for an ordered home :)

LemonLemonLemon · 19/08/2021 03:44

This sounds difficult, it’s not just a case of throwing things out over his head because if he genuinely is hoarding he could become really distressed.

Is there any way he’d accept professional mental health help? It’s not normal to keep broken and useless things and get upset when they go, he shouldn’t have to feel this way.

I sympathise with you both OP.

That being said, this picture always comes to mind when I think of hoarders

There's a hole in the bucket....help me help DH with his slight hoarder tendencies
Looubylou · 19/08/2021 04:29

Have you treat both dogs for fleas? I'd still also spray around carpet, etc where you can. Your dogs deserve regular, preventative, flea treatment. There's no way just one has them.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 19/08/2021 05:44

@Looubylou

Have you treat both dogs for fleas? I'd still also spray around carpet, etc where you can. Your dogs deserve regular, preventative, flea treatment. There's no way just one has them.
Yes, obviously if one has them the other has or will shortly. I can't clean properly with all that shit in there. This is why I posted because I'm at the end of my tether. I have flea treatment for the dogs and can wash all their bedding but the carpet will have eggs in it. I need to set off some flea bomb things....I also want to shampoo the carpet and can't with all the crap there.
OP posts:
Keeva2017 · 19/08/2021 07:04

To be honest op id have to sort it when he wasn’t there. If it makes him distressed so be it, he gets some help with the anxiety that you tackling his junk causes him.

There is a hoarder next door to my mum, my heart goes out to her when I see her walk in the front door and the state she lives in. It’s a slippery slope if you don’t take matters into your own hands.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 19/08/2021 07:15

My first husband was and still is a hoarder. he refused to get the appropriate psychiatric help so I left him and we got divorced. he has a big house in Ireland now and it is so full of his hoard he can't get into his bed or into the bathroom.
he asks friends if he can store stuff in their garages and spare rooms too, it's a nightmare and I'm glad I left.
if he refused to tackle this you may have to give him an ultimatum.

FlipFlops4Me · 19/08/2021 07:59

I was in your situation. Then my husband had a stroke and now doesn't really care about the house and all that's in it. He is an adult child, (with all the problems that brings to a carer) but thankfully a good tempered one!

I am slowly going through the house and chucking all the crap (and there is a truly gobsmacking amount). My neighbours are helping by booking slots at the tip and taking stuff - it's nowhere near good enough for charity shops. I will still need to book man with van. Then downstairs will be nearly done. Box after box of rusty tools not used since who knows when, literally dozens of the expensive to run lightbulbs, 24 boxes of out of date pasta - and so on, and on, and on.
God help me when I get upstairs - there are two rooms I can't even get in!

True hoarding is a real medical problem and there is help available for it. I suggest you seek it now before his hoarding becomes so great that you have no option but to leave.

GoodnightGrandma · 19/08/2021 08:03

If he is a real hoarder he will just replace the stuff you throw out, so he needs to accept help for his condition or you make a choice as to where you live.

Wilkolampshade · 19/08/2021 08:13

Crikey @FlipFlops4Me, you have a lot to deal with there. Respect and Flowers to you. Glad you have friends who can help.

Heronwatcher · 19/08/2021 08:17

I think he needs to see a psychiatrist for some help. I would also just start getting rid of stuff and so be it, if he cares that much tell him to pay for a storage unit himself away from the house and take his crap there. Don’t be made to feel guilty about wanting a functioning house- you have every right and, for me at least, living with clutter can become a mental health issue in itself.

museumum · 19/08/2021 08:22

The fleas are an ideal excuse to litterally haul everything out into the yard / drive. Do that first and treat the carpet.
Then work in only the things you BOTH agree are worth keeping going back in. You may need some large tarps to cover the stuff outside while you work on it. Order a skip to help.
It will be difficult but the fleas make it a priority to do it in this really dramatic “everything out” way.

NoSquirrels · 19/08/2021 08:24

No one uses the pool table, right? Just advertise it as free and then if no takers, get your DC’s mates in.

I think this is a case of just do it. You’re waiting for help or at the very least permission from your DH and you’re not going to get that. So crack on with the solution.

If he then kicks off that is a different issue.

Waspsarearseholes · 19/08/2021 08:26

He doesn't get to out-sulk you into living in a cluttered home. His distress at the thought of getting rid doesn't trump your distress by having to live in a mess. If he's not willing or able to tackle it himself then he has to let you see to it and get rid of it all. I bet he doesn't even know half of what's there, but as soon as you go to throw something away he'll claim it's something precious. As much as you shouldn't have to be the one to deal with it, it sounds like he won't or can't so it might have to be you. Good luck.

LoislovesStewie · 19/08/2021 08:27

You have my sympathy, my DH is a hoarder. Oh, no I've got that wrong, he collects memorabilia (!) and that is the core of the problem, everything but everything has value. I look at it and think, oh, for a large skip and a few days of chucking'. He doesn't. FWIW hoarding is viewed as a mental illness and you chucking stuff out won't resolve it. I don't know if there are in Australia, but some countries have support services for hoarders. If not, then I think you need to, very slowly, get him to start taking stuff out of the area you mentioned. Mine has only started recently to sort stuff, he is taking forever, but at least he has started. As others have said, there is no easy answer.

EmeraldShamrock · 19/08/2021 08:29

You have my sympathy. I couldn't live with a hoarder or extremely disorganised person. I done my time as a DC.
The emotional attachment to stuff is the hard part.

Skybluepinkgiraffe · 19/08/2021 08:32

This sounds really hard. My ex was/is a hoarder. It was among some of the many reasons I left him.
Funnily enough, he moved out of our home and left all his crap behind. I ended up getting rid of the lot, while he went ahead and built up another hoard elsewhere.
I feel your pain @FortunesFave. There isn't an easy solution.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 19/08/2021 21:43

@Waspsarearseholes

He doesn't get to out-sulk you into living in a cluttered home. His distress at the thought of getting rid doesn't trump your distress by having to live in a mess. If he's not willing or able to tackle it himself then he has to let you see to it and get rid of it all. I bet he doesn't even know half of what's there, but as soon as you go to throw something away he'll claim it's something precious. As much as you shouldn't have to be the one to deal with it, it sounds like he won't or can't so it might have to be you. Good luck.
But it's part of his mental illness....he's not just sulking you see. I'm just so sick of it all. I did manage to just get rid of some things yesterday. I'm booking some lads in to ditch the pool table today.
OP posts:
Original poster
FortunesFave · 19/08/2021 21:45

@museumum

The fleas are an ideal excuse to litterally haul everything out into the yard / drive. Do that first and treat the carpet. Then work in only the things you BOTH agree are worth keeping going back in. You may need some large tarps to cover the stuff outside while you work on it. Order a skip to help. It will be difficult but the fleas make it a priority to do it in this really dramatic “everything out” way.
This was my suggestion....I said I'd help and then we could reorganise things but he was very upset at the thought. I'm just sneaking shit out now.
OP posts:
Original poster
FortunesFave · 19/08/2021 21:46

@NoSquirrels

No one uses the pool table, right? Just advertise it as free and then if no takers, get your DC’s mates in.

I think this is a case of just do it. You’re waiting for help or at the very least permission from your DH and you’re not going to get that. So crack on with the solution.

If he then kicks off that is a different issue.

As I said, the table is unsafe due to a damaged leg. It's slate and could crush a small child if it collapsed.
OP posts:
Original poster
FortunesFave · 19/08/2021 21:47

@FlipFlops4Me

I was in your situation. Then my husband had a stroke and now doesn't really care about the house and all that's in it. He is an adult child, (with all the problems that brings to a carer) but thankfully a good tempered one!

I am slowly going through the house and chucking all the crap (and there is a truly gobsmacking amount). My neighbours are helping by booking slots at the tip and taking stuff - it's nowhere near good enough for charity shops. I will still need to book man with van. Then downstairs will be nearly done. Box after box of rusty tools not used since who knows when, literally dozens of the expensive to run lightbulbs, 24 boxes of out of date pasta - and so on, and on, and on.
God help me when I get upstairs - there are two rooms I can't even get in!

True hoarding is a real medical problem and there is help available for it. I suggest you seek it now before his hoarding becomes so great that you have no option but to leave.

I'm glad the neighbours are helping you....the rusty tools ring a bell!
OP posts:
HelloDulling · 19/08/2021 21:47

What help is he getting with his MH, OP? That has to be the first step, or he'll just invite more crap to replace anything you clear.