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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable

28 replies

TiredMama2015 · 18/08/2021 17:20

So my ex and I have an almost 6 year old son. I have custody Monday to Friday and his dad takes him on weekends. Now, when we broke up he kept the house we shared and I had to move (i was living in the lounge at my mums house for 9 months) he gave his tenancy up and moved in with his girlfriend. About 8 months ago they decided to once again give up their tenancy (which was 3 miles from my house) to stay somewhere more than 20 miles away. Please bare in mind that I dont drive and have to use public transport. Due to us living in a very rural area, the journey will take over 2 hours on a Friday and 3 hours on a Sunday. Its also a weekly cost of about 15 for both myself and my son. My ex believes it is fair that I travel the 20 miles every Friday to drop my son off, and then on Sunday I should travel 3 miles to meet him with my son. Two sets of bus fares on two different days, an expense I cannot afford right now. So AIBU for expecting him to cover the majority of the travel and the costs of it, since he is the one who chose to leave his tenancy and move so far away?

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 18/08/2021 17:24

Definitely not being unreasonable considering he moved knowing you don't drive, also how does he justify the split not even being one full trip each? If I were you I'd go to court and get proper access arranged through them, including how your son is picked up/dropped off

LeftyLou · 18/08/2021 18:11

Your ex should be doing ALL of the travelling, picking up and dropping off. Especially if he drives. Nobody forced him to move further away.

Mamamamasaurus · 18/08/2021 18:14

Stop enabling him being a lazy twat. HE moved so far away, HE can do the travelling.

I hope you claim CM from him too

Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2021 18:19

He chose to move 20 miles away, he pays for travel.

Original poster

TiredMama2015 · 18/08/2021 20:34

For context, he has never paid a penny of child support, quits almost every job he gets and constantly threatens me with court if I don't do things exactly as he wants

OP posts:

Original poster

TiredMama2015 · 18/08/2021 20:35

AryaStarkWolf I tried before and he stopped responding to letters and fired his lawyer so unfortunately I couldn't proceed

OP posts:

DroopyClematis · 18/08/2021 20:40

He should have left the house you shared ( unless it was in his name only.)
You need to get in touch with CMS.
It's not up to you to do all the ferrying either.

You need some expert advice. Many solicitors will give you 30 minutes free.

Please seek advice. Your ex is controlling you and your child.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 18/08/2021 20:44

He should do all of the traveling as he moved away.
If he says he will take you to court tell him you haven't stopped contact he just won't pick him up so to go ahead but it wouldn't make any sense and he would be left looking pretty stupid as well as out of pocket.
Its just a threat he won't do it, if he won't pay child maintenance for your son he's hardly going to spend money taking you to court for access that he is already welcome to.
He needs to learn responsibility, part of that responsibility is considering his child when deciding to move away and the impact it will have on him seeing him, he should be picking him up anyway and he should also be paying you child maintenance.

LittleOwl153 · 18/08/2021 20:52

I agree with the above.
I would say ds will be available from 10am Satursday for collection but if he doesn't turn up by 11am then you will assume he is cancelling. And that he will need to return him on Sunday or on Mo day to school.

It is unusual for Ex to have all of every weekend when the child is in school as this means you get no "fun time" with ds.

I would state this is what is happening and if he doesn't agree and threatens court say OK go ahead. Until we have a date however this is the offer. I bet he doesn't bother as it will cost him money. But if he does bother then the judge will see straight through his antics! And get onto the CMS - just to let him know you are not being walked all over that way too.

GintyMcGinty · 18/08/2021 20:55

He should do the travel and pay for the cost of it.

His choice to move.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/08/2021 20:57

He threatens you with court - for what?!?

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 18/08/2021 20:59

I hope after the school holidays you reclaim some weekends with your ds...
Stop being dictated to woman!!

GoldenBlue · 18/08/2021 21:08

I wouldn't want to miss out on every weekend in your shoes. You do all the school days rushing around and little time with your child and he gets all the relaxed fun time.

I think contact needs a review as your child older and in school everyday

CabbagesGreen · 18/08/2021 21:15

He moved further away, his choice. He should do the extra travelling at least. Most people would want to move nearer!

CabbagesGreen · 18/08/2021 21:16

And you should get a weekend!

Quartz2208 · 18/08/2021 21:19

Stop giving him every weekend! And certainly dont travel. I assume the house was a tenancy rather than own.

I would push back and say its EOW (And offer midweek) and split travel
Go To CMS and if he threatens court tell him you will see him there. Better yet OP file in court yourself I think you may well need a court order

Eralos · 18/08/2021 21:22

Why do you put up with this? Stand up for yourself

Original poster

TiredMama2015 · 18/08/2021 21:42

LittleOwl I still have after school fun and holidays and such, so two days a week with his dad is hardly a loss to me when i have him over the holidays too.
Eralos I dont stand for it, which is why he is always making threats, we started court proceedings before but he stopped making contact with his lawyer and it couldn't go further

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 24/08/2021 16:55

After school 'fun' won't last once they get hobbies and want to do stuff with their mates. I wouldn't want a precidence set at this age that you get no weekend time.

You do not need him to have a solicitor to undergo court proceeedings. You do not have to agree to go to court. One of you files - the other is required to respond. So if you file -whether or not he wants to or has any kind of representation - he has to respond. I agree with other you would be better to get some kind of court arrangement along with CMS for maintennance. It might just improve your relationship if you remove these angles of control he has over you.

In your shoes I would refuse to travel, I would say he can have every Friday night/Saturday but you want him back Saturday evening so you get some decent time with dc. Then I'd go to court and get it all spelt out.

Good Luck!!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 24/08/2021 17:32

My own opinion is his choice to move he should do the travelling.

However there was a recent thread where the mother was planning on moving 300 miles away and the majority of people thought the ex needed to either do all the travelling or half in half. Some posters even said he should move as well. Obviously in that scenario it was the parent moving with the child so different situation.
Legal advice would be your best course.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/08/2021 12:30

@TiredMama2015

AryaStarkWolf I tried before and he stopped responding to letters and fired his lawyer so unfortunately I couldn't proceed

So just stop bringing your son to him, if he wants to see him he can call you to arrange a time when he can pick him up or just stop sending him at all until he takes you court to sort proper access. I know it's not ideal for your son but sometimes you need to be tough with people like your ex

Macncheeseballs · 25/08/2021 12:31

He should do the travelling but learning to drive would be useful

Chloemol · 25/08/2021 12:35

He moved he pays to come and collect the child from you, and return the child

He doesn’t want to lay he doesn’t see the child

Chloemol · 25/08/2021 12:36

And if he is in the uk why haven’t you gone down the cms route

JustLyra · 25/08/2021 12:39

@TiredMama2015

AryaStarkWolf I tried before and he stopped responding to letters and fired his lawyer so unfortunately I couldn't proceed

You could have still gone ahead.

A man too tight to pay child support and to pay his lawyer isn’t going to pull you through court.

You should take him though. Every weekend is nonsense - you should have regular relaxed and fun time with your child, not just school holidays.

He moved away so he should do the travelling.

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