To now see how I must have come across before.

[Dontsayohbummermummy]

As a child I was shy in new situations, but chatty and open with my family, friends/people I knew.
I always had friends, although wasn’t massively outgoing. Around 20 I seemed to develop a bit of social anxiety/loss of confidence in some situations, this showed a lot in the workplace. I sometimes could barely speak on work nights out (hated them) and at lunch with colleagues, I always felt awkward and it obviously showed and made people feel uncomfortable. Strangely, I made a few of my best friends in the workplace, ones who were able to see the real me and I was able to open up to.
Fast forward to becoming a mum and it’s a though all that awkwardness has disappeared, I regularly go to mum meet ups and regularly plan and initiate them..i’m surprised at myself, but proud of myself as I spent years wondering what was wrong with me. I think it may be to be with having the sole focus not being on just me any longer as my daughter is with me? I’m really not sure, but I really hope I don’t lose this new don’t give a crap attitude, it’s so liberating.
Yesterday I went on a play date and another mum I’ve met once before was there, she’s nice but withdrawn and her Dd is very shy and she confessed to me she’s shy too but has to make the effort for her DD’s sake. I told her I’ve felt the same etc and we bonded over that.
Yesterday at the mums meet I did see her sat in the corner a lot (I went up to chat to get a few times) she didn’t really engage. looked as though she had the weight of the world on her shoulders and seemed unfriendly, aloof and sad-she isn’t.
This is when I realised this is how I must have looked/appeared to people before, this is why people chatted more to others.
I just found it sad as I knew this mum wasn’t like that at all and most likely really wanted to chat and connect with people. It made me sad and determined to not lose this new sense of sort of confidence I have and to not go back to feeling the way I used to.
Has anyone also ever felt this way and know what it’s all about?

No one felt the same…?

I have been similar at times. I was a very shy young child abs barely spoke in the first couple of years of primary. Throughout school, collage abs uni I always had friends but only had one or two close friends and never a big gang/group.

As I’ve got older I have found socialising easier but also I think I have accepted how I am more. I arrange more one to one meet up rather than trying to enjoy group meet ups. I’m more comfortable engaging with people doing a shared activity so I joined outdoor swim group.

For me age has bought more confidence and more acceptance of who I am. I’ll never be the mum on holiday in Tenerife with her 12 other friends… and That’s ok because that just isn’t me.

Op, I could have written your post. I often wonder if I went back to school as the person I am now, how different my life would be! I'm gosh you have found your confidence. It's much easier having the security blanket of a baby. I hope you know that you don't need to shy away any more and you are a more reflective person who can empathise with others.
So strange reading your post as I really feel the same way!

*glad not gosh. I've never typed gosh before 😂

Yes, I get it. I didn't get the confidence I have today until I had my first child and had to push myself out of my comfort zone.

What a lovely lady you are.

You have struggled, grown and learned from your experiences and are now in a position where you recognise others' feelings and want to help.

You would be such a lovely friend to the mum that you mentioned.
If she's reluctant then tell her that you'll be there for her. Give her your number. Just sit with her and chatter away.

💐

I do get it... early in our relationship DH would complain that I was being too shy - sometimes he was probably right and sometimes it was just anxiety coming from a family that sees shyness as a cardinal sin. I tend to either be quiet or blithering out my life story. I think I got a bit more 'shy' because while at uni I realised I can easily talk too much and should reign myself in, but maybe I went too far with that.

I used to think 'what's wrong with being shy', but I do get that it can be hard for someone to know how to deal with someone who doesn't engage and doesn't seem to be able to look them on the eye... OTOH, unlike my MIL who always reads this as 'rude' and 'standoffish' I do think that most people can at least see 'OK, this person's probably shy' rather than thinking 'Ugh, they're so rude!' as people like my MIL assume everyone will think.

Yes same here. Secondary school I was badly bullied and made no friends at university as my confidence was shot to pieces.

Now in my 30s with a good circle of friends. A lot of them met through toddler groups and my son's school. I definitely care less about what people think of me and weirdly that kind of confidence attracts people!

Helps that both my kids are outgoing so really I had no choice!

I still have low self esteem but I'm not crippled by it anymore. My teens and 20s were hard.

Oh and I also put the effort in and say yes more now.

Saying that I would like you make an effort to talk to a mum on her own or who was struggling because I get it

YES.
Oh my god, your post… this is something I’ve been trying to figure out about myself a lot lately. I have two young DCs. I work and we do a shitload of that work place personality stuff so it’s on my mind lately.

What I’ve realised is I spent so much energy in my childhood and early adulthood making myself invisible. I remember being in a tennis final and at a stage when I could have started to win, I spontaneously caught the ball in my hand (lost the point, lost the game, and ended up losing the match). In hindsight it was I don’t think I could cope with the spotlights of attention. Equally my education was a grand series of being in the top 15% but never the top 5% (too much attention) etc etc… I have endless examples of my determination to never underperform or over perform to either extent that causes attention. That’s was my sole objective in life! Never be seen!!!

Work socials, etc - never my thing.
But groups of my lovely friends, no.

But, I LOVE the company of just a couple of friends, I’m not shy at all, yet i really am uncomfortable in bigger groups. I HATE speaking when I do not know my audience. I do not relax and I feel stilted.

Fast forward to babies and I found this all changed. You are so so right when you say its not about us now, it’s about the baby. I remember that. However now my kids are no longer toddlers, I feel that spotlight come back again - how my kids are is a reflection of me/my parenting - back to square one again.

In work I am in a role and I have no confidence issues at all even in large groups because I’m talking “from my role” and I can do that very warmly. It’s so strange because it’s easy. It works, but I’m not like that??

Lockdown however taught me that I am not a loner. I just don’t like large groups. I need time alone as well as with people, daily. So I’m not sure if they means I’m introverted or what exactly.

I also find now I’ve kids I cannot deliberate endlessly over decisions or give headspace to “did she mean that ‘that’ way or THAT way?’ ponderings and there’s a huge freedom in that. I can’t even engage in those chats with other people now, they seem like a strange indulgence and a by-product of too much time to wreck your own head.

Loving your new confidence OP and can totally relate!

Yes very much like that when younger now I’ll chat to anyone.how lovely you are op that you noticed this lady and went to chat to her .
I will try and make more of a effort to chat to quieter people sat alone like this .

@KimDeals Omg, yes! The over analysing of what people said or meant or if they liked me or not..I don’t have the time to think about it and it does feel such wasted time and so silly and self indulgent,
I’m worried when she grows a little older, I’ll go back to the way I was before 😬she’s massively extrovert and outgoing so that also forces me to be too..(no idea where she got that from 🤣)
I’m also not introverted completely I don’t think..I definitely need space alone, just to think, but I also feel so much better and happier after I do see friends, so I know I need that company.
I’m ok in groups if everyone’s sort of chatting amongst themselves, but hate the attention to be solely on me with everyone looking at me and asking me questions at once, if that makes sense 🤣
I just so hope I can retain this level of confidence and realise it doesn’t matter if people like me or not and actually people really do, if I just relax and be myself

Totally get you OP! It all resonates with me - even the outgoing daughter - I’ve one of those too

I remember realising I wasn’t self conscious singing happy birthday (kick starting the song) for my child… but I’d hate that in another situation. Never would I SING! - the horror!! It’s great to let those things go!

Also with age, we worry less, such a good thing! I also hate the questions on me and everyone looking - definitely don’t enjoy that either!!

Interesting isn’t it! We really do keep changing!