To not want to exist?

[CrazyMama10]

The past 2 years have been utter hell
-miscarriage
-brother passed away when I was 20 weeks pregnant, he death was unexpected, horrific, traumatic and has broken our family
-8 weeks later my nanna passed away very suddenly

• traumatic birth
• full lock down with a 2 week old baby who is our first and only child.
• a month ago my brother had planned his suicide and luckily stopped himself at the last moment.

I want to run away
I’m totally and utterly mentally fucked
I’m living in a total fog and don’t know what the hell im doing anymore
I feel like the pain is never ever going to end
I don’t know who I am anymore

My family and husband are incredible but how the hell can I tell them the true extent of my feelings?

How do I make this better before this darkness swallows me completely and I can’t get back out?

I’m already on medication and started counselling

Hi, I just wanted to say you aren't alone. I also just don't want to exist. My 8 year old niece died and my partner of 4 years suddenly announced he had rented somewhere to live 165vmiles away, and I'm carrying for a relative with dementia. Getting up everyday is hell. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I just cried because I hit my leg.

I've got counselling set up for next week. That is the only thing keeping me going at the moment. Have you been to see your doctor? They may be able to help.

The other thing keeping me alive is going for walks. I am not suicidal, just can't gather the will to go on anymore. We will get through this.

You might like to telephone the sameritians too, they are well quipped for dealing with this type of deep darkness not just the sucicdal.

Typing has gone to pot!

Medication and counselling sounds like you're on the right track. If things don't start to improve, don't be afraid to go back to your doctor to say so - I don't think everyone finds the right meds for them first time. Great that your family are supportive, and again, don't hide things from them - they know what you've been through. Try not to feel guilty if you have to depend on others to help you through this time. There will be better times ahead, and you'll be able to repay the help eventually.

Things like baby/toddler groups are beginning to start up again, so look out for those, too. I've really felt for those of you who are new parents and haven't had those; just getting out of the house and chatting with other mums helps so much. (If you're nervous about going, well worth contacting whoever runs them - they'll look out for you and make sure you're made welcome.)

You're ill right now and need support, you've been through too much. I think talking to someone can be really helpful, hopefully the counselling will start soon, it can really help with the burden just to share it with someone and for them to understand. Could you share a bit more with your husband? I don't know how his mental health is but if he is ok then I'm sure he would want you too and would understand. How old is your baby now? Can you get out to some groups or anything really. Can you plan a routine that you follow each day where you make sure you get out for exercise and fresh air, eat well and get enough sleep? also build in getting out and about perhaps to the library or park, baby groups xxx

Not identical situations but I've had similar in my past with family loss and trauma.
When it's so sudden, so unexpected, it hits very hard and the ones you would normally look to for emotional support and help are grieving themselves and are unable to see beyond their own grief. This is what happened within my own family anyway. We also all grieved very differently so there was lots of misunderstanding and anger in some cases. It was the hardest time of my life and there is no easy answer.
I focused on keeping myself strong for my DC - for me that was physical exercise and keeping in the moment, what do we need right now, dinner? Pick up from school? Focus on that. Get through to the end of the day. Fantastic achievement, I've survived another day.

Essentially, it's time. It doesn't heal, not at all, but the emotions change and become easier to deal with. I empathise, OP. Loss is horrific and combined with new baby and the hormones, everything is exacerbated.

Sounds like you've a had horrendous time, I'm so sorry you've been through all that. Stick with the counselling- you're little one needs you- it will get better.

You are not alone, please call the Samaritans or a friend relative.

You will get through this horrible period in your life and you have a child who needs its mother and people in your life who love you and who are also grieving, please don’t let them also grieve for you.

Please look after yourself.